Battle of Hulao Pass

Battle of Hulao Pass
The three brethren fight the... what is that? IT'S... IT'S... IT'S... LU TO THE MOTHERFUCKING BU!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
Date 191 CE Location China Result Anti-Dong Zhuo Coalition Victory
Belligerents
Anti-Dong Zhuo Coalition	Dong Zhuo
Commanders and leaders
Yuan Shao Yuan Shu Cao Cao Liu Bei Sun Jian Gongsun Zan	Dong Zhuo Hua Xiong Lu Bu

The Battle of Hulao Pass or the Battle of Hu Lao Gate (Hulao/Hu Lao is pronounced "Who 'low", as if someone said "Who allowed?" and dropped the "al" and the "ed") is a completely fictional battle that took place in 184 CE during the decline of the Han Dynasty. The battle was supposedly fought between the "fat tyrant" Dong Zhuo and a bunch of Chinese warlords who were disgusted by Zhuo's greedy actions within the government. He was a total jerk according to many, many documents.

Background

In 190, Dong Zhuo intruded into the Han capital and roofied a few officials and two emperors so he could easily swipe the throne, as the new emperor became a figurehead. One warlord, Cao Cao, believed that the Dong had screwed him over and tried to assassinate him when he was vulnerable and open for easy penetration. However, this one guy named Lu Bu was able to thwart the assassination attempt, sending Cow Cow fleeing.

After Cao Coo's failure to kill the tyrant he sought help by forming a coalition with a few other stylish warlords. Yuan Shao was designated the leader of the new Anti-Dong Zhuo team with a crushing campaign run under his perfectly groomed and sexy white mustache. The warlords who also joined in were Kong Wrong, Wang Koo-wang, Chee-ow Mow, Bow Shin, You-on Ye, Zhang Yang, and Tow Chee-en'. Also joining was Gongsun Zan (fought under the title Gongsun Zazz) but he almost died so he doesn't receive much historical credit. (Only credit given was the credit of humility)

Battle of Sishui Pass

The first step in the Anti-Dong Zhuo crew's plan was to attack Sishui Pass. (Pronounced See-shoe-ee Pass) This passway was the gateway to ultimately penetrate Hulao Pass. Hulao Pass allowed people to get a one-way ticket of sorts into the shiny Han capital, where that tyrant Dong Zhuo was. However, the battle was not an easy one.

A sign placed outside of Hulao Pass, properly warning the Anti-Dong Zhuo coalition to maintain a distance away from Lu Bu. However, since it was war, they did not negotiate with the enemy and foolishly moved forward. Commentary from later times says, "Thy shouldith stopped at the Sishui before moving onto Hulao and confronting thy Lu".

Sun Jian (famous for his efforts during the Yellow Turban Rebellion) volunteered to lead the vanguard on Sishui. Yuan Shu, on the other hand, volunteered to send Jian some supplies. When the unit under Sun Jian camped in front of Sishui Pass and awaited supplies, Yuan Shu wouldn't send them! It would take a quick conversation with some other allies who didn't despise Sun Jian (Yuan Shu was the only dude who hated Sun Jian because he was a meanie) before supplies were sent. However, Hua Xiong sprung out of the gates before the supplies came and attacked the vanguard with fury, dropping tons of soldiers. This was more costly than you would think, because moments before the supplies arrived, many of Sun Jian's troops dropped dead starving. Sun Jian would end up killing Hua Xiong with the power of the tiger, thus opening Sishui Pass. (and no, that was not a hyperbole)

Even awesomer Battle of Sishui Pass

In some tales like Romance of the Three Kingdoms and strongly depicted in the popular video game Dynasty Warriors, the Battle of Sishui Pass is spiced up with some twists.

Examples of these "twists" include the modification of in which who killed Hua Xiong. Instead of Sun Jian (who is believe it or not, not realized for killing Hua Xiong now 'a' days because of these twists) slaying the gatekeeper Hua Xiong, it is the brethren member Guan Yu. Not only did he make commander Yuan Shao laugh by volunteering to fight Xiong when he was only an archer, but he came back with Hua Xiong's head while the tea was still warm. (A challenge Yuan Shao made with Guan Yu when Guan Yu felt heartbroken that he was being laughed at for his kind heroic offer. But hey, he was freakishly tall) Yuan Shao ultimately never judged anyone again until his epic downfall during the Battle of Guandu against Corn Chunk in 200 CE.

However, when Guan Yu had arrived back with the head of Hua Xiong, he made sure the spinal cord was still dangling and the eyes were still opened. This was considered very stylish back then.

Battle of Hulao Pass

Dong Zhuo ended up becoming emo sad because of the pwnage death of Hua Xiong. He sent excessive amounts of soldiers to Hulao Pass, where one would consider a little unnecessary. He had a breathtaking 150,000 crack troops, Lu Bu, and a few other guys )whose names don't matter when by the side of Lu Bu) all under him.

Out of all the people that Dong Zhuo could have chosen to lead the unimportant (at the moment) position of vanguard, he chose the war demon Lu Bu, and assigned him a baby-slapping 30,000 warriors. While the tyrant's vanguard was selected, the coalition forces sent half of their army to oppose Lu Bu as their own vanguard. (Which was the equivalent to the excellent warrior) Ironically, they all died except for a-- he died too. No survivors.

Soon, Gongsun Zazz managed to pluck up the balls to challenge Lu Bu to a one-on-one duel to the death. With very little skill, he fought strong and fierce, but ended up being almost dropped by the halberd of Lu, so he had to retreat with shame on his back. Allowing Gongsun Zazz to escape was the intercept of the hit new battle group who rose to fame during the Yellow Turban Throwdown was none other than the three brothers Liu Bei, Zhang Fei, and Guan Yu. The three charged out once again to do something heroic by dueling the war demon Lu Bu. Lu Bu did not expect nor accept such ferocity from the three brethren and became greatly pissed off, ultimately fleeing in shame. The trio tried to pursue the fleeing Bu, but they could not keep up with the speed of his stylish red-haired horse, Red Hare.

Dong Zhuo, realizing he was now only just a man with a scallywag army without his son-in-law Lu Bu, he slit his wrists, had a fit, and burned the capital in a spectacular show of hale fire. Thus showing no signs of any sportsmanship in defeat.

Aftermath

Lu Bu was fierce and showed no signs of fooling around. In this rare photograph, Lu Bu is moments away from presenting his father, Dong Zhuo, the gift of death.

Dong Zhuo became angry with Lu Bu and his army. With little to no chance of victory, he opened the gates of Luoyang, ordered retreat, and like I said before, burned the capital to a crisp (I know, what a fool). The new capital would be located in Chang'an.

Not long after, Lu Bu also realized that his adoptive father was injustice and was stealing his dream girl, Diaochan, away from him. In jealousy, Lu Bu took his halberd and his red-haired steed in preparation for an escape from the capital. He would have to become a fugitive because his decision was to ultimately cut down the pig Dong Zhuo with fatherly love a passion towards it.

In pop culture

Even though the battle is a complete lie propagated by historians, the duel between Lu Bu and the three brothers is described in Luo Guanzhong's long historic romantic comedy novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms. It is also the most celebrated lie that exists in Chinese culture. During a select few Chinese operas, the duel between the three brethren and Lu Bu is reenacted in a scene called "Three Lovers Battle the Lu".

The event is also depicted in the lame popular video game series Dynasty Warriors and Sangokushi Sousouden.

In Romance of the Three Kingdoms, Lu Bu is depicted as the mightiest and most fearsome warrior in the novel, and the three brothers have crazy celebrations for their success in besting the great mighty Lu.

See also

• Romance of the Three Kingdoms
• Dynasty Warriors
• People's Republic of China
• Virginity