Boy band

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A boy band (or boyband) is defined as a bunch of tone deaf, identical-looking, moronic, ambitious young teenage men with a silly grin charming smile whose sole function in their short miserable lives purpose in life is to earn as much money as possible for the major labels in the music industry. The serially manufactured boy bands of today are the very definition of creatively braindead, but like to deceive themselves that they're updated versions of the best original boy bands such as The Beatles and The Monkees, who originated in 60's and essentially became an extinct species after the Great Clone Reformation of 1984.

The boy bands of today are, and have been ever since the early 80's, biogenetically engineered in the Boyband Factory outside Cincinnati, Ohia State in United States of America. The only crowd they are catching the attention of are the teenage doll faces with a voice like a fuckin' air raid siren, if you are near one of these at the time a boy band and cover.


The Great Clone Reformation[edit]

The Great Clone Reformation was a major event back in the 80's, in 1982 to be precise, in which the major companies in the record industry realized that the old boy bands, like the aforementioned The Beatles and The Monkees, had become obsolete and needed to be replaced with something that could bring in more money for the record industry. Therefore, inspired by the serial production of modern industries, they began to plan for the mysterious facility only known as "The Boyband Factory", which eventually ended up in the outskirts of Cincinnati, Ohio. Here the serially manufactured boy bands of the future, such as Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block, Take That, the Jonas Brothers and East 17, would see the light of day in high-tech bio-cryogenic tanks. However, unlike their historical counterparts before the GCR, they were now cloned instead of being recruited from several thousands of talentless prepubescent morons aspiring musicians, a process that would have taken ten times as long to go through. From now on the boy bands would be serially manufactured to earn as much money as possible in an optimal way, as quickly as possible. Ah, the wonders of capitalism...

The Boyband Factory[edit]

The Boyband Factory was constructed by the inventive and ingenious Fuck Monkey only a few years after the Hooker Factory was finished (which refers to the factory itself, not the book). The Troll, such as it was back in the 80's, approached Wonka and assigned him to build a factory capable of serially producing boy bands. The Boyband Factory was designed to resemble the Chocolate Factory slightly, which saved Wonka some time on designing it, allowing him to finish it in no more than seven days. The Boyband Factory was opened in May 19 in 1983 near Cincinnati. The first biogenetically groomed boy band that was shipped from the factory was New Kids on the Block, which began to amass money as quickly as in 1984; unfortuatly after this incident New Kids on the Block released a statement in The Sun revealing how they had been sexually assulted by Willy Wanker and the Oompa Loompas causing for the factory owner to be arrested and replaced by Simon Cowell. A book about the Boyband Factory, called "Charlie and the Boyband Factory", which would have been the sequel to "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory", was in the plans as promotion for the factory. However, Roald Dahl died before the plans could come into fruition and the project was aborted.

The Boyband Factory is operated mainly by a dedicated crew of Oompa Loompas and of Groupies, which are kidnapped teenage girls - this being because despite boy band members being more or less homosexual, they still have an irresistible grin smile as well as genetically modified pheromones which has a hypnotic effect on the mind of a young and innocent teenage girl; in fact, some have even gone as far as to state that boyband members are all latently telepathic. The capturing of young teenage girls normally takes place after a boyband clone has used telepathic/hypnotic mind-powers and irresistible pheromones to seduce a girl into becoming a mindless slave, who will then be captured by Oompa Loompas during nightfall and taken to the Boyband Factory to produce even more boybands by being biochemically broken down into a Soylent Green-esque organic, half-liquid proto-sludge which will then be used as material for the boy band clone tanks.

The notorious Boyband Factory in Cincinnati.

The attributes of a boyband[edit]

I told you they look the same.
Mitras wept...

All boybands are exactly the same. If anyone have ever told you otherwise, they're just hallucinating. That is because of their Communist nature and enforced Soviet totalitarianism. They are all cloned from one individual, known only as X-24, which is probably just a codename. According to rumor, he may have been the little brother of one the anonymous geneticists working in the factory, however this remains no more than speculation.

Displayed here is a few examples of how boy bands look like. As you can see, they're all the same, just as anything that has been serially manufactured is. The boy band members all have one single look and are capable of expressing no more than one facial expression, a certain stupid grin charming smile which is very evident on the pictures. Even tetrachloroethylene will not wash the silly grimace charming smile away, no matter how much you would want to. This is because a gene in chromosome 22 has been proven to be malfunctioning in all X-24-clones, resulting in their faces being locked in that position, a minor fault that has actually turned out to work for the better for the record industry.

All boyband members are closet homosexuals, which isn't strange since the prototype "X-24" was allegedly homosexual himself. The homosexuality is a block that is purposed to stop the clones from reproducing independently, as they are artificially born in cloning tanks anyway. Boy band members also lacks, as everyone already knows, even the slightest hint of any musical talent or decent singing voice (unless you count a voice akin to that of an old lady swallowing a cat a whole). But that has hardly been a problem, as all their songs are written by the record labels and their "live"-singing is all prerecorded anyway. All boyband members are supposedly Orthodox, but they are atheists anyway.

Same as before...
...and again...

The life cycle of a boy band[edit]

The life cycle of a X-24-clone differs greatly from that of a normal person. Their life begins no earlier than at 15 year and ends at approximately 35 years, when they clones can no longer bring in any money for the record companies and thus becomes obsolete and needs to be replaced by a new boy band. Contrary to popular belief, human rights does not apply to boy band members, as their entire purpose of life is to cash in shit loads of money for the big guns in the record industry so they can afford to pay for their monthly food, rent for their 20 million dollar houses, clothes, medicine, a home theater consisting of a Boothroyd-Stuart Meridian 810 Reference 10 Megapixel projector with a $1,000,000 Wilson Audio/Krell surround sound system (even though Bose claims all boy bands use their Lifestyle 48 Home Theater System, taking even more undeserved credit), Lamborghini Murcielago sports car, speedboat, summer cottage (all three of them), the Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano Coupe F1 reserve car (used whenever the Lamborghini has a scratch on a window), gold and diamond jewelry, private airplane and other vital resources, such as dihydrogen monoxide and air.

...and another one just for good measure...

0 - 15 years[edit]

Unlike normal humans, whose lives begins at the age of 0, the life of a boy band clone begins at the age of 15 or 16. In the Boyband Factory, the clones are formed out of a plasmatic blob of protomatter with their bodies being at the biological age of 15, sometimes 16. Therefore boy band members have no childhood to speak of, and their "lives" officially begins at 16, ending in 30.

16-20 years[edit]

It is at this age that the boy bands can to do what they were born for, namely earn money for the Multinational Foursome Oligarchy that is Universal Music Group, Sony Music, EMI Group and Warner Music Group. The boy bands are genetically engineered to be able to start cashing in money as soon as possible. Despite this, they still have to processed with subliminal messages to become ready to make shit loads of money as soon as possible, which takes no more than about 10 minutes. The subliminal messages contains the prefabricated lyrics for the shitsongs the clones are supposed to sing. The shitsongs are created with a special computer program which inserts, amongst others, the words love, heart (sometimes heartbreak), leaving, tears, girl, and cry with certain intervals, accompanied by a guitar melody that varies slightly, but not much, from song to song. Boy band songs have an annoying tendency to be extremely hard to memorize as they all sound extremely generic. However, this may actually be a good thing as the crap songs would surely be infinitely more annoying if you could. Of course, there is no talent behind this, but it's not necessary either as boy bands only exist to make as much money as possible.

Once the relatively short training period is over, the clones are assigned into a new boy band whose name the record companies have decided. They're also given unique name's to create the false belief that there is actually a difference between the boy band members. Sometimes an individual boy band member is advertised as being "the bad boy" of the band, which is complete and utter lie as they are all a real bunch of putrid sissies and nothing else.

20-30 years[edit]

The age of 20 to 30 years is the official twilight years for an X-24 clone. Their fame has already reached their height a good two years ago, and another serially manufactured boy band is always waiting around the corner, as the big guns in the Foursome Oligarchy are unable to earn enough money on them to help buying Ferraris, jewelry, 20 million $ houses, trip to Hawaii and food, water and shelter for the day. Once in a while an individual ex-boy band member attempts to become an actor, always resulting in disaster. The former New Kids on the Block-member Donnie Wahlberg briefly appeared in the well known film "The Sixth Sense", attempting to play a mentally deficient, psychic young man with one single facial expression, the very epitome of a boy band member. His involvement in the film "The Sixth Sense" resulted in the death of not just himself, but of Bruce Willis, on screen as well as off screen. X-24 are genetically engineered to explode once they reach the age of 30, hence why most boy band members seem to disappear once their heydays are over and another set of clones are waiting to take their place.

Mitras wept...
God hates boy bands...

The status of boy bands today[edit]

Boy bands continue to pollute not just the musical industry, but also the entertainment industry at large. In fact, their very existence is threatening the mental state of millions of humans, mostly females, with their hypnotic gaze and their ridiculous, generic look. Their very existence is putting a heavy weight upon the laws of physics themselves, causing massive upheaval in the fabric of reality itself. No cure for boy bands has been found to date, although file sharing and the spreading of MP3's has taken its toll on the amount of money a boy band earns. Since money is the very life supporting substance boy bands depend on, hopefully the file sharing industry will eventually help in bringing about the downfall of the living blasphemy that is boy bands.

See also[edit]