One Direction

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One Direction
Example alt text
"Hmmm... hot indeed."
Members Hair Styles Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson, Ryan Ross

One Direction is a boy band/terrorist group who formed when they realized that when having sex with each other, their moans sounded sort of like singing. Simon Cowell saw potential to exploit teenagers who don't know any better, and so rigged the X Factor so they'd get through despite being talentless. Fans of the group are called 'Directioners'; they dress up in pillowcases at night and lynch people who oppose the One Direction social movement. They can often be heard rhythmically chanting about how hot the group are, or can be seen stalking them on Twitter and Facebook.

The band became successful in 2010, after which Simon Cowell decided to further exploit musically illiterate teenage girls by creating One Direction themed posters, calendars, action figures, coathangers, paper clips, water, et cetera.

Musical style[edit]

One Direction's music mainly consists of a generic electronic four-chord backing track, with auto-tuned vocals about: going out with girls, breaking up with girls, having a fun time with girls, wanting to go out with girls, saying about how beautiful girls are, making memories with girls, and so on. Y'know, like every other boy band in existence. Occasionally, the band decide to fuck up a song that already exists, for example the charity single "One Way or Another", which copied the original but made it worse.

The band's style has been emulated by several other boy bands, for example every boy band appearing on the X Factor since 2010. This has resulted in a number of 'One Direction clones' that girls also mindlessly adore.

The Directioner Movement[edit]

One Direction fans meeting at night.

The Directioner movement started soon after the group gained a following on the X Factor, and fans started trying to out-do each other by showing how much they love One Direction, resulting in a number of suicides. After that, Directioners took inspiration from the Ku Klux Klan and dressed up in bedsheets, lynching people who opposed the group's music.

One Direction has often been described as the most aggressive fandom out there, which has led doctors to consider 'Directionism' as a mental illness. The illness is characterised by random outbursts of violence at non-fans, an inability to stop stalking the group on-line, and the belief that haters are just 'jealous of them'. In 2013, governments from all around the world united to try and put an end to the pandemic, but attempts so far have been unsuccessful - and have possibly increased the number of people living with Directionism.

The majority of fans just seem to focus on the band's looks, instead of the music, which is what actually matters. Directionism often brings on this symptom, which is caused by the decaying of the part of the brain that detects abysmal music and rejects it.


Zayn Malik being really cool.

The band's image consists mainly of them jumping whilst flailing their arms around, meanwhile singing lipsyncing to music. They always look deliriously happy, wear skinny chinos and v-neck t-shirts. Zayn also tries to look older than he is by growing a pathetic wispy moustache, and tries to look cool by squinting into the distance (Justin Bieber also does this.) Niall's image consists of looking like he's just fallen out of his mother's vagina, and Harry wears a Brillo pad on his head.

Critical reception[edit]

Reception of the band's music has been mixed (that's wikipedian for not very good). The publication Trashy Pop concluded that "One Direction's music is an incredible blend of meaningful lyrics, plus they're so hot!" A music website stated however that "I'd rather see One Direction fall one direction into a pit of snakes than ever hear their music again."; the offices of the publication were suspiciously set alight 10 minutes after the article was published. The band is often criticised by musicians, who question why they even try when groups such as One Direction are popular.

Zayn's Replacement[edit]

In March 2015, the BBC announced Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson had been sacked after it emerged he urinated on small boys in Africa 3 years previous. At the same time Zayn Malik had decided to quit One Direction due to "stress", although it was widely believed he was dating Ian McKellen. One Direction's agent Simon Cowell decided Jeremy Clarkson should replace Malik in the group. There was some speculation as to whether James May would also be joining the group, but this was quashed when it emerged that May was learning to play the Recorder, ready for his trip to Syria to join Islamic State as their chief musician. Cowell decided that One Direction should change their name to "Top Direction". But like, hey, ZANE FUCKING MALIK GOT REPLACED BY Ryan Ross. And, boom clap, bitchaoz.

Involvemnt with Osama bin laden[edit]

It was revealed after 911 that Osama bin laden was helping one direction to come up with lyrics to brainwash people (like James May) to come and help Osamas cause in Syria.

See Also[edit]