The Rocky Horror Picture Show
“I thought it was about Sylvester Stallone making a 'Rocky VII' but nothing is that scary except Stallone's only real porno movie. Wait a sec, they're making what?!”
“I'm just a hairy scary fairy...”
“Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared!”
“...”
“I would!”
“Shit..”
The Rocky Horror Picture Show is a cult that began in 1975, and is still active to this day. Most adolescents go through a 'Rocky Horror' stage, just like most women go through that 'lesbian' stage in high school or college. Sucks, right?
Origins[edit]
When The Rocky Horror Picture Show begins not only the screen is licking its lips. Charles Gray narrates saying "I would like, if I may, to take you to the box office window and shake out your pockets." The cult following of this film has made it the longest running movie in history and the biggest box office success. The cast members of these "live" Rocky shows spray water on the audience but they're not the only ones getting wet; it's raining money on O'Brien and crew, who regularly cream their pants when they see their bank statements. Curry pops in to a showing of the movie now and then. It's like visiting your bank account in the Cayman Islands. He should get an academy award for doing that. He deserves it more than Janet. It's like putting money in a slot machine that always pays off. Still, you can't help but wonder if Frank did get a piece of that skinny wench on the set. She won't have anything to do with any Riff Raff now. She's too important. She won't even order Eggs O'Brian for breakfast. She's got awards up the ass.
The synopsis? A flat tire inflates the big bang theory proposed by Dr. Frank N. Furter. Brad kicks the tire and then Brad and Janet both lose attire from the servants in the castle. Frank gets his Rocky off the slab and elsewhere. Frank let his meat loaf for an instant and they ate it at supper. After a dinner Frank and hot salami surprise in their separate rooms they watch Frank get off the planet.
Want more? See it in the theater or read the spoiler below.
A series of documents were uncovered by cold-case experts on two young, average kids named Brad Majors and Janet Weiss who'd gone missing. A documentary film followed tracing the paths of evidence leading to their disappearance. Soon after the engagement the couple seemed to have visited a hunting lodge peopled by transsexual Transylvanian aliens who were lead by Dr. Frank N. Furter, scientist, engaged in the creation of life from dead tissue, which he successfully achieved in his creation of the boy-toy creature Rocky.
What, you think I'm making this up? No, it's all true. Watch the documentary. It's done by Charles Gray! Everyone trusts Charles Gray, right?
Anyway, (this is all true I tell 'ya), Brad and Janet then are witness to one of Frank's previous attempts coming back to life and his death by hatchet. No, see, they got all this info from studying the house. I'm totally serious. Then Frank has sex with Rocky, Brad and Janet. And Janet with Rocky.
Whatdya mean, how'd they find that out? These are professional CSI and criminologists who investigated this case! I don't know, semen samples or something. Jeez.
So later the house is visited by a guy named Dr.Strangelove who tells the kids to watch out for the aliens. The entire troupe has a dinner of meatloaf. Then they're turned into statues by Medusa Ray by Frank. Next...Listen, just shut up. Okay? I'm just trying to tell the story. Don't believe me, watch the film. Then the statues are garbed in flapper-dress and re-animated in the theater for the floor show, where the sing and dance about sexual freedom and...
Fine! I won't give away the ending, and the whole disappearance, even though that's what this is supposed to be all about. Moving on to the 'cult' section.
Cult[edit]
After people saw the film, and it won some awards for documentary feature, people began to get nervous at the idea of trans-sexual Transylvanian aliens abducting kids. But kids, for reasons not disclosed above since it would apparently be a heinous crime to divulge facts to wusses who haven't seen the film, were excited by the prospect of abduction.
It was strongly implied that to be abducted would require a specific set of ritualistic behavior from the youth. They had to gather in groups at movie theatres, at precisely midnight, armed with specific tokens and prepared to chant certain messages to prove their desire to be abducted. Most people think this began in California as an off-shoot of Heaven's Gate. So far no one seems to have been abducted, however, contrary to the messages and clues hidden in the film. As such various chapters of the cult have changed their tokens and messages slightly to try and unlock the code. First to do so gets a prize of over-sized lingerie and a paper doily.
Due to the nature of the cult anyone could join after a brief initiation of virginity-removal. Though initially a literal command this has become more symbolic in recent years. Kids everywhere soon knew the messages and rituals of the cult. Some of the famous leaked phrases supposed to summon the aliens:
Watch out for the slut-eating bush!
...With whips and chains!
Where's your fucking neck?
Great Scott!
My most beautiful Q-Tip...
Klaatu barada nikto!
These would've made far more sense if I was allowed to divulge their background in the 'Origins' section, but there you have it. You probably know what they mean anyway. We've all been through that phase. No, not lesbianism...(too much bitter disappointment) In fact, you should be glad you are out of this phase. If you aren't you are probably a virgin and deserve to die.
The Time Warp[edit]
Many viewers have been angry with the movie because they never repeat the time warp song, although they say constantly thought the song 'Lets Do the time warp again'. Also, many people have been able to travel through time by jumping to the left then stepping to the right, placing their hands on their hips, pulling their knees in tight and then doing the pelvic thrust. None of this can be confirmed, because upon doing the pelvic thrust all the people went insayayayayayne.
Repeat Offenses[edit]
It is believed that two crimes of a similar nature were attempted, but failed due to a lack of Curry.
Shock Treatment[edit]
Just . . . no. I mean, seriously. Just . . . stay the fuck away . . . please? It's for your own good. Nothing good can come of Shock Treatment.
Film musicals
| High School Musical (2006) ♦ The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) ♦ Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978) ♦ Saturday Night Fever (1977) ♦ The Sound of Music (1965) ♦ Templates Ahoy! (1986) ♦ Vorlon Rouge! (2001) ♦ The Wiz (1978) |