Road consumption
“Barry Jenkerkenkinskins, you are My Kind of Rape Vic- I mean, Bitumen Eater!”
Road consumption is a sport made popular in Britain during the late 1980s by the ITV show My Kind of Bitumen Eaters. The objective of the game is to use your lower jaw to strip the upper layers of bitumen from a road and into your mouth as quickly as possible. The player who reaches the designated length of road first is declared the winner, or Ambassador to Turkey.
Rules[edit]
There are a number of governing bodies for the sport, each with their own rulesets. Tournaments between players of two differing unions will always use the Mazingerkränzschlaffe-Kreisfaschmaschkräschesturm rules, which run as follows:
- Players are to consume a road 300 metres in length and five metres in width.
- Players with multiple jaws are permitted to use only one. However, usage of multiple foreheads as a buffer is permitted.
- Saying any of the words "jizzflakes", "crowbar" or "anaesthesiologist" results in a ten-second time penalty for foul misdeeds.
- Players are disqualified if they eat a section of their opponent's road, deliberately cause a broken tooth to fly into the eye socket of their opponent, break wind in such a manner as to cause their opponent to exhale sharply and thus die, or punch the referee in the face repeatedly.
Traditions[edit]
All official tournaments (and many amateur games) will observe the following traditions:
- Players (or Inverted Cliff Richard Faces) must dress in tuxedoes coloured bright blue and red (respectively). The referee (or Geoff Hoon) must be dressed as Gort from The Day The Earth Stood Still, with a disco ball top hat at least two feet (62cm) in height.
- Before the road may be consumed, it must be driven over by a 1200cc 1983 Skoda Haxmastr. This is in honour of the inventor of the sport, Vladimir Konkorovorosdobodovic, who discovered the correct method for eating roads while stranded on a remote highway in Yugoslavia. He believed that the Skoda was an inherently magical car and it had blessed the road to enable him to eat it. Official guidelines state that if a Haxmastr is not available, diminutive wizard Paul Daniels may be driven over the road in its place.
- Games are played as best of three rounds. Prior to each round starting, the Geoff Hoon must fire a laser out of his Gort mask into the heart of a virgin, who must be revived or replaced before the start of the next round. Official ranking tournaments are usually presided over by the actor who originally played Gort, Ian Gortgortgortgortgort, who is a fully trained Geoff Hoon and is held against his will in an iron-clad dungeon beneath the home of former British secretary of defense, Geoff Hoon.
- Inverted Cliff Richard Faces and Geoff Hoons must have an excessively long surname, at least eighteen characters in length. Participants whose surnames do not meet this rule must change their name by deed poll.
Variations[edit]
There are a number of variations on the sport:
- XRE: XTREME ROAD EATING: An attempt to popularise the sport in the USA, XRE is fundamentally the same as the rules above, but with an added rule: the Inverted Cliff Richard Faces must digest the bitumen and excrete it onto the road behind them whilst eating. While a bonus is given for finishing first, it does not determine the winner; bonuses are also given for evenness of reproduced road, style, and any tricks performed (such as the Munificence of Yahweh, where the player excretes the bitumen in the shape of a cross, before landing in the shape of Jesus' face).
- Via Delicioso!: Discerning Italian road eaters prefer not to eat the roads "al terra" in case a car attempts to park on their heads, so instead millions is spent in the country on hiring the best chefs in the land to cook up huge batches of bitumen al forno, bitumen tagliatelle, white paint-based sauces, lamppost fettucine and numerous other road-based dishes to be served in the grand Via Delicioso tournament held annually in Milan. The winner is the last person to be killed by mafia gambling syndicates for squealing.
- Groin Championship: Groin Championship is a fusion of road consumption with its natural partner, snooker. Inverted Cliff Richard Faces must first eat a hundred-yard length of road, then take turns emitting it from whichever orifice they like into a serviceable snooker table. The objective is to make the table as hard as possible for their opponent to score points on via creative bitumen vomiting. Groin Championship gained some fame in 1991 when Michael Barrymore and Steve Davis faced off in the World Groin Championship Championships final, which ultimately saw Davis succumb to some excellent rectal play from Barrymore.
Controversy[edit]
Road eating was banned for ten years in the UK after an incident on Michael Barrymore's early 90s ITV vehicle My Kind of Bitumen Eaters involving aspiring young road-eater Phillip Ddddddddddddddixon, who was attempting to become the first person to eat a road on every continent. Shortly after Barrymore introduced him onto the show and failed to rape him, Ddddddddddddddixon attempted to eat his final stretch of road, the B2643 near his home town of Sleaford-upon-Discharge; however, during the attempt his skin was seen turning to bitumen and he became a part of the road itself. After he was subsequently run over by 490 cars, an inquest was launched which ultimately resulted in the banning of the sport, the cancellation of the show, and Barrymore being temporarily left without a willing audience to trick into taking drugs and eventually destroy the anuses of.
Following the introduction of the "No-Rodez" safety helmet in 1999, and the failed government initiative to crack down on serious accidents and damage to B-roads caused by so-called "underground" road-eating, the sport was once again legalised in the UK in August 2000. Obviously "underground" road-eating didn't actually take place underground as roads are by nature at ground level.
A number of performance-enhancing drugs have appeared on the market since 2003; the most notable being 1,3-leslium cyclobarryoxide, dubbed "hamsteroids" for its ability to massively enhance a player's cheek capacity. It, along with most other known performance enhancers, is banned by all road-eating unions. Inverted Cliff Richard Faces who fail a drugs test have their heads tattooed with the legend "I tried to cheat at road consumption, but I was exposed for the lying charlatan that I am".
Fans of road consumption[edit]
A number of well-known figures are self-confessed fans of the sport:
- Steve Davis was at one point the third-ranked Groin Championship player in the world (under the name of Steve Inflammationofthepelvis), although he has never won a ranking tournament. He is also the inaugural president of the Cannonsby-under-Oooaaoo Bitumen Ingesters Society.
- Jo Brand is not a known fan of the sport, but is known to produce bitumen naturally inside her uterus. The first ejection of said bitumen was recently sold at Roffleby's auction house for just under £10,000.
- Jim Bowen has "GROIN" tattooed across his left buttock, and "CHAMPIONSHIP IS REALLY GREAT I LOVE IT" on his right. He also has a tattoo of Eric Bristow eating Route 66 (an act which would technically be considered an act of treason in the USA), having sex with Jessica Alba, punching a skeleton to death and throwing a double 12 into a golden flashing dartboard with the words "ERIC YOU REQUIRE 24" written behind it in ghostly lettering, while the whole scene blazes with crimson flame, on his upper arm. Bristow's image was originally shitting a bitumen effigy of Bowen's mother's face, but Bowen later had this removed by a specialist dwarf.
- Alexei Sayle made headline news in 1989 after heroically emitting half of the B161 near Plunstrunst onto a clown who had robbed a bank. He was later awarded the Iron Cross.
- Some fucknut from Big Brother likes eating roads, probably, in spite of inevitably being a terminally vacuous dysgenic fuckstain.
- Michael Barrymore is the current World Record holder for Fastest Road Consumption, at 31.8 picoseconds for 16,000 cubic metres. He also likes to rape men to death in pools.
- Tom Jones can ejaculate a choirboy in half from ten paces.