Professor Frink

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Frink post-sex-change. He changed back for obvious reasons

“Didn't he invent the Frinkahedron?”
~ Oscar Wilde

Professor Jonathan "Hey you in the bushes" Frink was an inventor, overlord of three-dimensional objects, and minor character often used as a plot device. After a successful career as a minor character on The Simpsons, he followed his dream as an inventor before suddenly becoming Bono. This transformation was inexplicable, much the same way as a duck's quack has no echo.

In his spare time he enjoys reading, made for T.V. movies, repetition, commas, inventing weapons of mass destruction, being Erik Estrada's identical twin, made for T.V. movies, repetition and commas. He is not affiliated in any way with John Frink, writer and producer of the once popular home improvement show The Sampsons.

The early years[edit]

Despite the dynamite hand he was dealt (including a nifty exact resemblance to Erik Estrada), Frink was never happy with life as a child. He was not proud of looking so pretty. Rather, he found it a burden. He spent years doing--well, nothing--until one bright cold day in April, when the clocks were striking thirteen, George Orwell introduced him to the popular rap group of the day, Calvin and Hobbes. Thus began his transformation from a shy Erik Estrada look-alike to the greatest rapper of the 18th century, Frinkmaster P.

The rap years[edit]

Frink informing you of your sexuality.

The collaboration with Calvin and Hobbes lasted several years, producing some of the greatest albums in the rap genre, including:

  • The Indispensible Calvin and Hobbes
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes
  • The Essential Calvin and Hobbes
  • Yukon Hoes
  • Straight Outta Compton
  • Eazy-duz-it

However, tensions grew within the group. The public was merely told that Frink's views on predestination were un-Calvinist. In fact, Frink's growing addiction to Robitussin made it impossible for the group to continue to create the premium rap of the day. Frink would get violent while "tussed up" and, unlike Calvin, he wasn't predestined for Heaven.

These issues culminated in the famous Noodle Incident, after which the group split. Frink took a job as a minor character on The Simpsons, while Calvin and Hobbes left rap and took their two-man slapstick act to Vaudeville.

The television years[edit]

The bit part in the television show cast Frink as a professor. It was meant to be one of those fake jobs, rather like Ashlee Simpson's nose. But he liked the feel of the labcoats, the smell of the chemicals, the look of the Weapons of Mass Destruction, and the taste of the Stem cells. He quit his job after this short-lived but successful gig, to attend the foremost scientific college of the day, Clown College, his major being Evil Genius Studies. This course gave him all the expertise he needed to make it in the hectic world of the modern evil genius. It covered:

  • Building and Maintaining Your Evil Empire
  • Building and Maintaining Your Weapons of Mass Destruction
  • International Terrorism
  • Gaining Access to the Upper Echelons of the Republican Party
  • Improving Your Etiquette(one never knows who will pop in for tea, you see.)

He finished second in his class to Dr. Evil, whose "sharks with frickin' lazer beams attached to their frickin' heads" won out as the Best Evil Invention, narrowly beating Frink's "Frog Exaggerator." Apple's iPod came third.

The evil genius years[edit]

Half a century passed, with Frink having the terrible and usually incurable Evil Genius Writer's Block. He thought he had cracked it with a cure for Super AIDS, but that venture was scrapped for obvious reasons.


Some say these years weren't the best for humanity. Hitler got a little ticked off after a derogatory remark about his mustache by Stalin. Britain tried to avoid confrontation, but felt that insulting another gentleman's mustache was "just not cricket." Poland said nothing but just knew there was trouble ahead. France taunted Hitler's mustache from a distance, then promptly surrendered and shat themselves. Japan agreed wholeheartedly with Hitler's mustache and joined it in a Kill Bill style quest for mustache revenge. America remained isolationist because no one had insulted their mustaches, however they joined the Second Mustache War after Japan performed a sneak attack on the American port of Pearl Harbour with most of the Pacific Mustache Fleet berthed.

But back to Professor Frink. With all the mustache-related evildoing, he overcame his Evil Genius Writer's Block and started inventing more evil things, including:

But Frink still wasn't satisfied. None of these inventions reached the heights of evil of his "Frog Exaggerator." And his enormous Robitussin addiction had affected him so severely that he started blurting out "hoyven," "gloyven" and similar words. So eventually he realised that evil just wasn't for him and he became just a regular genius with a little evil thrown in.

All the other years[edit]

While he wasn't able to completely shed his evil past, Frink chose to invent things that generally were for the good of humanity:

Astrological Video Playback Machine[edit]

This machine allows the user to see video footage of the future somehow. *insert plothole here*. Frink used this in 1985 to predict the Nike Revolution of 2006, however, being still rather evil, he decided not to tell anyone. He used the 11 years he had before Iraq became New Louisiana to figure out a way to divide the state evenly so everyone would be happy. He settled on Diesel, Unleaded and Premium. (Joe Biden seized onto Frink's idea, though with a somewhat different partition scheme.)

AT-5000 Autodialler[edit]

Used to bring Erik Estrada's golden voice to millions. Send $1 straight away and you will be happy!

Bobo Fett[edit]

A robotic bear used to hold the soul of Bob Marley (not indeed that of Boba Fett). It lets him take his revenge on society, starting with Buffalo, New York.

The Frinkahedron in all its three-dimensional Glory

The Frinkahedron[edit]

The first three-dimensional shape on television. Before Frink discovered it, everything on television was two-dimensional. Because of this discovery Frink has been given the title of "Overlord of Three-Dimensional Objects," wresting it away from Buckminster Fuller and his "buckyballs."

Death ray[edit]

A last hurrah for Frink's evil days. However he couldn't get the funding to bring it to its full potential. As a result we still have England, unfortunately.

Kitten Recycling Center[edit]

Deemed to be his most daring effort, with the Kitten Recycling Center Frink managed to devise an electronic method for removing the important materials from the kitten, but preserving the head for use as a good-luck charm.

Hamburger earmuffs[edit]

Frink's last but most fateful invention. Managing to control the tricky Pickle Matrix was one of his finest moments, but ironically it was the Pickle Matrix that brought about his untimely death. Riding his hoverbike home from a trip to rehab for what seemed like the millionth time--but, ironically, the visit on which he actually kicked the Robitussin habit for good--the Pickle Matrix in his Hamburger earmuffs sparked and caused him to lose control of the bike. His official cause of death was "a serious overdose of brick wall."