Poopenheimer Mainframe Mk XII Computer

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A woman enjoys the user-friendly touch-screen interface of the Poopenheimer XII

The Poopenheimer Mainframe Mk XII Computer is known as the first ever computer on earth. Legend has it that Julius Caesar and his friend Brutus dropped out of Rome University about 90 BC to pursue their dream of becoming icons in the technology industry. They worked and they worked, meeting many failures. The Poopenheimer Mainframe Mk versions I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, VIV, X, and XI all had major flaws. However, they believed they had a breakthrough with XII.

Inspiration Strikes[edit]

"Id epsro, te 1337ro" -- Julius Caesar

"Caesar is dead." -- Oscar Wilde

"Oscar Wilde is dead." -- Caesar

"Those wankers totally ripped me off!" -- Nietzche

"Me too." -- God

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" -- Wario

One day, while working in their dark downtown Rome apartment, Caesar had a sudden idea.

"Great Brutus, shall we instead of basing our code on the Socratic Method/base it on that which hath preceded: the Altair 8800!" (Julius Caesar, Act II, scene iii, line 130)

It was brilliance. They got to work, chiselling away at the code which would create a successful computer. They were shut off from the rest of the world for weeks (except for the occasional bitches those pimps would pick up for a good time), knowing that the computer was ever nearer to eminence.

Success At Last[edit]

On Augustus XX, 91 BC, they were complete. They flipped the switch, and the computer was alive. Some suspect how the computer was powered. Some say it was indoor plumbing, but most believe that the hamster wheel was invented on the side by Brutus to aid the computer.

The two went on the market, going to every technology convention they could to sell their product to a potential company. However, their best offer was two chickens and a lead spoon to produce 1000 units, so they decided to produce themselves.

Since they had to compete with the wheel for technological superiority, they had a tough road ahead. Caesar was a brilliant marketing mind, however, so he was able to sell the units they produced to stores all over Rome. Brutus, on the other hand, started feeling envious. Caesar, it seemed, was taking all the credit for this invention.

While business boomed, the Computer became the talk of Rome. Articles by "New Times Roman" proclaimed it "a miracle of science." Interviews by Life, Time, Popular Mechanics and Cosmo propelled the two to celebrity status. Caesar was always more popular than Brutus, and Brutus did not like this. More on that later.

Properties of the Poopenheimer Mainframe Mk XII Computer[edit]

The Poopenheimer, being over 2000 years old, has properties that even the most computer-illiterate person would scoff at.

  • 0.003888 MHz Perseus Processor CPU
  • 3 MB hard drive
  • 128 KB RAM
  • 300 bps internet modem
  • Spartacus Explorer (which to this day has many less security flaws than IE)
  • ONLY Spider Solitaire!!!

Needless to say, Knights Of The Old Republic would not run on this computer.

Oh, and it has no monitor.

Back to the Story[edit]

Years later, Caesar used his celebrity status to propel himself to Emperor of Rome. Brutus now hated Caesar but never had the guts to tell him. They remained very good friends, and Caesar even appointed Brutus to be a senator.

March, 44 BC.

Brutus had finally had enough. He gathered some Ides and plotted out Caesar's demise.

Caesar's wife, who was a robot, had a bad feeling about the coming day.

"10010111 01000010 01100101 0111011 10110000 10111001 001100101 001000000 11101000 11010000 11001010 01000000 11010010 11001000 11001010 11100110 01000000 11011110 11001100 01000000 11011010 11000010 11100100 110001101 10100000 100001" she exclaimed. Caesar replied, "My dear Robotia, don't be so silly. I don't even know what Ides are."

He was headed to the health spa that day for a foot rub and a mud bath (Caesar was totally metro). He climbed the steps to the Spa when he was jumped and stabbed with a shank. He could not see who was doing this evil deed, but had a sneaking suspicion that it was Lee Harvey Oswald.

(It wasn't.)

As he was dying and some Ides ganked his credit cards, he saw Brutus. He was in disbelief that Brutus, his best friend and co-creator of the Poopenheimer Mainframe Mk XII Computer, had killed him. It was now that he utter the famous last words:

"WTF, Brutus?"

The rest is history. Well, actually all of it is history. In fact, technically anything that has ever happened is history since it's in the past. Sorry, I'll stop.

Holy Crap, That Was Way Off Topic[edit]

Okay, here's the rest of the story.

Microsoft bought out the Poopenheimer Mainframe Mk XII Computer. In fact, Microsoft bought out all of Rome and renamed it "Redmond, Washington". Every computer in Rome ran on Windows XL. The first successful installation of Windows XL occurred when a man named Bobicus accidentally pressed Ctrl-Alt-Del-F3 at the installation screen.

Emperor Netscape was assassinated soon after he took the throne.

Eventually, the Poopenheimer Mainframe Mk XII Computer became obsolete, as did its operating system. Still, it is a historic part of history that is important to know.

Plus, it's still better than Windows 98.

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