Morgan Motor Company

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The Morgan Motor Company is Britain's longest-running motor vehicle manufacturer. It is located in Myfanwy on the Welsh border near Legg-o-sheep-shag-turfer in Worcestershire sauce and is linked to Middlesex Cricket Club. Together the MMC and MCC constitute the stupidest, most backward-looking fools in Britain. As such, they actually run the Royal Family and Princess Kate Middleton's uncle's fish-and-chip shop in Cakstonarsegravy, a popular destination for holidaying Pikeys.

The separate chassis

Morgans did not adopt monocoque Construction in the 1920s when other car makers did. Instead Morgan has persisted in using a separate Iron chassis to the present day. That kind of smells like procrastination, the definition Uncyclopedia gives for construction, as the Morgan Motor Company certainly does too.

Wood worm

The frame sitting atop the chassis is made from wood. The wood is beech but beach is better on Uncyclopedia because it links to bitch, meaning Joe Biden's wife. Biden is a well known American comedian. Actually, he is a younger version of Gene Wilder to Barack Obama's younger Richard Pryor. Anyhow, Biden is a procrastinator, so maybe he drives a Morgan.

The wood frame comes with free wood worm, by the way.

Rust

The body of a Morgan is metal, typically aluminium which apparently does not rust, but it still oxidises and flakes away, much like Joe Biden in a Vice Presidential run-off. The rust comes free, too.

Engine

Sails were experimented with but were dropped when the development engineers, called local farmers, realised no one can use a small car to go Sailing to the Isle of Man. However, a small car with no roof can still be used to get wet and cold.

The solution came with something called an Internal combustion engine. The local population of Myfanwy had to be dusted off, the cobwebs cleared, and sent back to school to learn about engines. Then someone mentioned the wheel. Back to kindergarten, then.

Wheels

Free of charge at present, until the factory realise a shire horse will not make driving the car any better. However, you only get four wheels included in the price so you have to choose between a steering wheel and a spare wheel. Morgan are developing anchors for drivers who cannot afford a steering wheel. One Massachusetts Institute Of Technology professor thought he could cheat the system by ordering a car with the offside rear wheel missing, thereby netting both a steering wheel and a spare wheel. He ended up at the University of Saskatchewan...

Suspension

Following failed attempts at using Telekinesis to control the direction of travel by having Welsh wizard Merlin teach (or rather fail to teach) new Morgan owners how to handle the cars, Morgan adopted working suspension in 1913. By 1923, the steering wheel had been added. Then by 1933, wheels appeared on the axles. (The bit about 1913 is true: the same suspension is still used. Only American cars are more primitive: see truck).

Nazi attack, Soviet salvation and probably the French

Sadly, the Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler started World War Two to prevent Morgan from stealing a march on Auto Union (see Homosexual) and Mercedes-Benz (see Nazi, again). Once Коммциіузм ☭ saved the world from Hitlertash-ism, Marshall Stalin took a shine to the Morgan Motor Company. He ordered 6000 Morgans as farm yard tractors for use by convicts and intelectuals in the Gulag rehabilitation project. Few of these Morgans were ever driven: what with the convicts stealing the parts and the intellectuals forgetting where they left the keys, the cars became emergency frames for igloos at minus 70 degrees (see the Virgin Islands). Joan of Arc's nephew President Charles de Gaulle caused problems for Morgan when he absolutely insisted Morgan lose its UK farming subsidy as part of the EU Common Agricultural Policy. This is why, in 1982, Maggie Thatcher invaded La Rochelle and... ...oh, sorry, that plan got axed when Argentina invaded the Falklands.

The driving experience

Very much like England: drivers get cold and wet, become uncouth, are poorly groomed and end up with muck in their teeth. Apparently, if you drive more than 20 miles in a Morgan, you are instantly offered the role of Daniel Craig in the remake of On Her Majesty's Secret Service. The ride quality of a Morgan, combined with the rear axle passing 3 inches under your arse, merits the driver's inclusion as a grand master of the Worst 100 Sexual Perversions. That or you can become a Catholic Priest...young boys come free; just ask the Pope.

Should you buy one?

If you live in a cold, wet, class obsessed, pretentious, dreary little land filled with rotund women, closet homosexuals and masturbating wrecks (see England and The English), then yes, go ahead and buy a Morgan. You will never regret it. In the rest of the world: You have got to be fucking joking.

Does anyone else buy them?

Wow, yes! The Morgan Motor Company churns out five or six little wood and tin hat cars a week yet has hundreds of customers on the waiting list. What can I say? Read the section above...