Maplewood, New Jersey

The bleak, colorless skyline of Maplewood SSR, New Jersey. The uniformity of the buildings is a subtle sign of communist rule.

Maplewood SSR, New Jersey is a socialist shithole. It is one of the five SSRs or "Soviet Socialist Republics" in Essex County (the others being Glen Ridge, Montclair, South Orange, and West Orange). On the bright side, Maplewood SSR is known for being one of the few towns in America where white people aren't that scared of black people.

History

The old Maplewood SSR post office. Site of one of the biggest collective spaz attacks in Maplewood SSR history.

Once upon a time, Maplewood SSR was a nice New Jersey suburb known as "Maplewood." It was filled with normal people. In 1967, riots occurred a few miles away in nearby Newark, and everyone with a little sense (the Kennedy Democrats and Eisenhower Republicans) moved out of Maplewood, leaving behind a bunch of radical SDS members, Black Panther-sympathizers, and friendly gay people. These folks were crazy enough to not mind the black people who were moving in along the border of Irvington.

In 1975, the Soviet Union's KGB organized a coup to oust the pro-American governing body in the town. They installed a communist government and incorporated Maplewood as an SSR. During the coup, President Gerald Ford sent Marines to evacuate all remaining sensible people from the town instead of bombing the pro-Soviet forces, because Gerald Ford was a fucking pussy. When the Soviet Union collapsed in 1992, Maplewood SSR didn't get the memo, and continues to operate as an SSR to this day.

In 2015, everyone began freaking out about what would be built on the site of the former post office in the heart of Maplewood SSR's village. Preservationists wanted to limit development on the site in order to retain the character of Maplewood Village (see "Economy"), but the greedy Maplewood Politburo (see "Government") had other ideas. They threw the preservationists in a gulag and began constructing a mixed use building.

In March 2016, violent clashes erupted in the center of town between militant feminist supporters of Hillary Clinton and pro-Bernie Sanders socialist militias. The Maplewood Politburo deployed members of the Rainbow Guard (see "Public Safety") to break up the clashes. The Rainbow Guard made everyone involved take a yoga class and meditate.

On November 9, 2016, chaos broke out in Maplewood SSR in response to the election of Donald Trump as President of the United States. Residents began shaking uncontrollably, voided their bowels, entered catatonic states and ugly cried for days. Many residents could not believe that Hillary Clinton, a scandal-tarred, unrelatable candidate who talked about transgender bathrooms when most Americans were most concerned about the economy and who didn't campaign in critical swing states like Michigan or Wisconsin could lose a presidential election.

Economy

Maplewood Village, which is reserved for elite Maplewood Communist Party members.

Maplewood SSR's economy is governed by the Maplewood Politburo (see "Government"). The Maplewood Politburo puts out five year plans, which stipulate how Maplewood SSR will invest, who can have certain jobs, and the levels of production that should be worked toward.

Maplewood SSR greatly benefits from its location along the Morris-Essex Line of the New Jersey Transit railroad, which carries commuters into New York. Because communism doesn't fucking work, the Maplewood Politburo allows many residents to work in Bill de Blasio's People's Republic of New York City, so they can bring back taxable income. Many of these people work in fields such as law, medicine, advertising, or fashion. Trust me, there aren't too many finance or business types in Maplewood SSR. The few that do live in Maplewood SSR are required by the Maplewood Politburo to stand in stockades located in Memorial Park every Saturday from sunrise to sunset, so their fellow comrades can judge them for being successful.

Residents of Maplewood SSR are required to surrender all of their income to the Maplewood Politburo. In return, they receive vouchers to purchase goods and services with, however there are often shortages and residents are forced to wait in line at places like the grocery store.

Maplewood SSR has two commercial areas. One is "Maplewood Village," located across from Memorial Park and the train station, which is reserved for the Maplewood Communist Party elite. The other is along Springfield Avenue near the border of Irvington, which is open to the riff raff and unwashed masses.

Education

Maplewood SSR schools are part of the unified South Orange SSR-Maplewood SSR School District, together with the neighboring community of South Orange SSR, another socialist shithole.

People in Maplewood SSR pay ridiculously high taxes for their school district's Columbia High School, which is pretty good, but not spectacular. Many white people in Maplewood are not only OK with sharing their town with black people, but some are even willing to share their school with black people. This is a story worthy of a Huffington Post article or one of those sappy CNN specials.

Some, however, send their children to private schools, where they intermingle with Republican children from other towns and come home talking about dangerous concepts like "free market economics" or how George W. Bush "wasn't THAT bad of a president."

Government and politics

Government

Maplewood is governed by a dictatorship of the proletariat. The five-member Politburo is elected directly by high ranking Communist Party members at-large to serve ten-year terms of office on a staggered basis, with one seat usually coming up for election every other year. The Politburo selects one of its members to serve as Premier for life who does not run for re-election, and holds a reorganization meeting when the Premier dies or resigns. The Politburo has the power to remove the Premier from power. The Politburo also elects a Vice Premier who serves a five year term, unless his or her term as Vice Premier exceeds his or her term on the Politburo, then it is extended until the end of the term of vice premiership. The Premier is the town's executive officer. The Politburo is the legislative body of the municipality and is responsible for enacting the SSR's laws.

As of 2017, members of the Maplewood Politburo are Premier Nikita Khrushchev (C, term on Politburo began January 1, 1977; term as Premier began 1995), Vice Premier Leonid Brezhnev (C, term on Politburo ends December 31, 2020; term as Vice Premier ends 2020), Yuri Andropov (C, 2018), Mikhail Gorbachev (C, 2022) and Konstanin Chernenko (C, 2024). The newest member of the Maplewood Politburo is Konstantin Chernenko, who was sworn in on January 1, 1985.

Politics

Communist Party membership is widespread in Maplewood SSR, as it is required to obtain desirable jobs. Membership in the Libertarian, Republican, Democratic, and even Green parties are banned. Maplewood SSR's Communist Party is administered by a Central Committee, which is led by a Secretary General. The Central Committee meets every year to elect a Secretary General, who is always the town's Premier.

Public safety

Because cops are pigs, Maplewood SSR does not have a police force. Maplewood SSR does have a secret police, the Rainbow Guard, which makes sure that everyone is politically correct and adhering to socialist doctrine. The Rainbow Guard has 23,800 members, roughly the population of Maplewood SSR.

Demographics

The 2010 United States Census counted 23,867 people, 8,240 households, and 6,287 families residing in the township. The population density was 6,155.3 per square mile (2,376.6/km2). The township contained 8,608 housing units at an average density of 2,220.0 per square mile (857.1/km2). The racial makeup of the township was 56.27% (13,430) White, 35.30% (8,426) Black or African American, 0.18% (44) Native American, 3.04% (725) Asian, 0.03% (6) Pacific Islander, 1.82% (434) from other races, and 3.36% (802) from two or more races. Hispanics or Latinos of any race were 6.68% (1,595) of the population.

Maplewood SSR is home to many yuppies who move out of Brooklyn because of the high cost of living in Brooklyn when their first born child is 3 or 4. These people then continue to vote Democrat and in effect vote for higher taxes once they move to New Jersey, because maybe they aren't as open-minded as they think. I mean, for God's sake, these people didn't even vote for Christie in 2013 when he was on top of the world and was re-elected by 20 points. Many Brooklynites also move to Maplewood SSR because they desire better schools. Some, however, discover that next door Millburn Township or nearby Chatham have even better schools than Maplewood SSR, so they move there after a few years and ruin those towns too.

Somehow, Maplewood SSR has both black people AND white people. What a concept! If you thought that they live in well-integrated neighborhoods, you shouldn't have gotten your hopes up LOL. While Maplewood SSR's black people are welcome, a vast majority live along the border of Irvington in an area that those stuck-up weaklings from Short Hills (part of neighboring Millburn) call "Maple-hood." The white people in Maplewood SSR live around the golf course (known in Maplewood SSR as the "diversity course") and Memorial Park, both at the center of town.

Maplewood SSR is also home to many LGBTQ+ persons. Maplewood SSR is an inclusive community and anyone who doesn't like the gays is banished to wilds of Morris County where he or she (or they) can live among the conservative beasts.

Residency permits

In order to live in Maplewood SSR, one must first obtain a residency permit from the Politburo. Permits are granted after a rigorous application process that involves reams of paperwork and going around to different local bureaucrats for stamps of approval. Applications include a questionnaire. Some questions from the current application are:

• Did you vote for Hillary Clinton or Jill Stein in the 2016 US presidential election? (DO NOT submit application if you voted for Donald Trump or Gary Johnson)
• Which atheist group or synagogue are you a member of?
• Who is your favorite historic figure? Barack Obama or Harriet Tubman?
• Lisa is a black transexual lesbian woman from Nigeria who practices Islam, was adopted by Mexican American parents, and was raped at age 19 by a College Republican. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much intersectionality does she have?
• How many seconds of applause should Bernie Sanders receive when he says we should break up the big banks?

Sports

Everyone in Maplewood SSR's favorite athlete is San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick. John Elway spent an afternoon drinking at the local Irish Pub, St. James Gate. He went unrecognized.