Monroe Township, New Jersey

Geritolopolis, also known as Monroe Township, does not exist, but resides in Littlesex County, New Jersey, and is well known for its geezer colonies. There are at least four of those geezer colonies, although they seem to be multiplying like rabbits under the Welcome Home Grandma and Grandpa Colonial Zoning Ordinance. The four known geezer colonies are Concordiat, Roostermore, Unclearbrook, and Whataham. There are rumored to be other geezer colonies in the underbrush, such as the Sponge, the Nudnik, the Grandmothers' Roost, and Viagratown. However, Geritolopolis has a long and boring history as an agricultural township full of country hicks - at least before neighborhoods started seceding left and right.

History

The history of Geritolopolis began long ago and far away, when a bunch of Lenape Indians decided to sit down on a log and have a fart. This fart was heard by Europeans, who decided to settle here. Seeing as those were Dutch or English, they either drove on the wrong side of the Indian trail or missed the dikes, but they wound up in a swamp. So they struck a match in panic, thus founding the village of Matchinpanic. Unfortunately, this burned down, so they settled by a fertile lake where pretty Lenape chicks would tongue-dance on strangers, thus forming the village of Mannalicking. A railroad, the Camden and Amgirl, built a line through Mannalicking and vicinity. Eventually, a man named James would burp in Mannalicking, thus leading to the settlement being renamed Jamesburp, New Jersey. James's burp was so loud that other folks heard it in New York City (which is supposedly somewhere on the African content, or something like that), so they ran over to Jamesburp and demanded he run a mill.

By now, James Monroe had been Admiral of the Town Ship, so the farmers next door unimaginatively named their place Monroe Township. This made the unkempt folks near the north end of Monroe jealous. So they picked a name - Spotswoods, New Jersey, and invited the folks in New York City to share in the town's spots and dirt. It was a hit, and soon Jamesburp and Spotswoods wanted to secede from Monroe.

So, they did so, and the farmers were out harvesting at the time, so nobody paid any attention whatsoever. Meanwhile, a hillbilly of Monroe, out of chewing tobacco and tired of going to bed with his sister every night, met some danged darned doodle of a tobacco tycoon, who called himself Helme and had a daughter named Etta (whatever kind of a dopey name that happens to be). So the hillbilly and Etta married, and begat a town called Helmetta, New Jersey, which is quite unusual, given that a couple of humans would normally sire another human, rather than the woman giving birth to a town. Nonetheless, the town of Helmetta would long be famous for its chewing tobacco and its famous bad taste.

Railroads

More railroads came: the Center of Nowhere railroad, the Amtrak, and the Whathehey Line. Someone named Bizarre Macfadden discovered the swamp of Outcunt one fine day in 1900-something (who can remember this stuff?), and established a Physical Culture City, the primary purpose of which was to prevent masturbation.

How exactly building a city called Physical Culture would prevent the "artful hand", nobody quite knows, but the theory seems to be that the inhabitants would be too busy treading swamp mud and lifting barbells to care about the good ole rub - or anything else in life, for that matter, including eating and sleeping. Anyway, Macfadden got caught with his no-no spots in a porno magazine, and the "city" was abandoned. Shortly after, the lake the "city" was on the shores of (near Helmetta) drained away, allegedly after a tree stroked the dam holding up the lake repeatedly. That area is now forest.

Outcunt itself became a vacation land and red light district; later on, Suburbanites moseyed on over and attempted to grow a Suburb. This was difficult, as Suburbs tend to grow best in the presence of other Suburbs, and are rather tough to grow in a wooded swamp. But they presevered, and eventually a fine Suburb would blossom in the area of Outcunt.

Transportation

Transportation around Geritolopolis is by retirement community van, littlesex county bus, walker, or wheelchair. Sidewalks do not exist, for the geezers cannot walk more than 100 feet. Golf-Ball Walker Lines has an excellent variety of walkers for hire.

Geezers

Then the Geezers came, in 1969, touting their wonder potion, Geritol. They came down the New Jersey Turnpike, and found a lot of farmland after New Brunswick, New Jersey without an exit to the farmland. So, the oldsters grabbed a pickaxe and a halberd and hacked out an exit. This being between Exits 8 and 9, they called it Exit 8A. Various farm animals quickly surrounded the Geezers and one grandfather was so annoyed by this that he cried, "Please! Not a rooster more!" Thus, the place was named Roostermore. Not long after, a bunch of Geezers settled by a muddy brook, thus leading to the establishment of Unclearbrook. Unclearbrook - with its spanking, bland modern houses - and Roostermore - with its colonial houses and fake medievalism and old fashionedness - quickly fell to arguing before the Zoning Board of Monroe Township over architectural rules. This led to the Board resigning in disgust.

The Board of Education quickly stepped in, choosing to expand the number of schools in town, leading to such schools as Smelly Lake, Dirtland, Applebarf, The High School, and Brookflood. In spite of this sneak attack, the geezer colonies of Unclearbrook and Roostermore reached a peace treaty, agreeing to establish something with a flavor rather in between what each preferred, and thus came the geezer colony of Concordiat. This establishment drew senior related businesses to Monroe, and the Town Council renamed the town of Monroe "Geritolopolis", for the magic potion of the Roostermorites.

In the middle of all this, some unpresuming great-grandparents founded Whataham, named for the enormous (and smelly) pig they found rooting in the soil there. Since then, other geezer colonies are known to have popped up, their inhabitants non the wiser. Fortunately, most Geritolopolitans are not as senile as their ages would suggest.

Demographics

• 25% Oldsters
• 25% Geezers
• 25% Over the Hill
• 12% Soccer Moms and Soccer Dads
• 10% Kids
• 1% People who don't know what they're doing in Geritolopolis
• 1% Housing salesmen, construction workers, old farmers, developers, and schoolmarms

John McCain

McCain is not known to live around here, although John McCain sightings are pretty common (most of them quite mistaken). John McCain's stunt double, however, lives in the vicinity.

Location

In the middle of the state of Confusion, I mean, New Jersey. Look for exit 8a on the Pike and make a left at the Holiday Inn.

Oh come on, what's the place's REAL location?

That IS the real location. Don't blame me.

Do the Geritolopolitans sell Viagra?

Sorry, all Viagra in Geritolopolis (except at the drugstore) is for the benefit of its residents. If someone wants Viagra, go to a drugstore, or buy or rent a dwelling in Geritolopolis.

Zoning

The town prefers to zone for geezer colonies because a)oldsters don't require schoolteachers on the government's house, b) geezer colonies only reek of old age, which is not as strong a smell as an industrial zone, c) the municipal board of zoning is half senile anyway, and d) the other half thinks it's still fighting World War 2. Otherwise, it would be zoning for the usual Suburbs and offices, like most towns in New Jersey do.

See Also

• Middlesex County