Short Hills, New Jersey

Autumn in Short Hills Village, showing the only store in New Jersey that sold Gucci candy bars, at least until it went out of business and became the state's only "Tudor-style" welfare office.

Short Hills, New Jersey is Maplewood and Livingston's stuck-up next-door neighbor. It is part of Millburn Township, although one will be sued if one mentions this to a true Short Hillsian. The ZIP code for Short Hills is 07078, an important step upward from the rest of Millburn Township, which is stuck at 07041.

History

Founding

Short Hills was founded in the 1880s as a vacation getaway for rich WASPs living in Manhattan. They were attracted to the land that today comprises Short Hills because they enjoyed bathing in the many douche springs. These douche springs are now known as the famous Short Hills Douche Springs. The founders of Short Hills initially wanted to name their town "Douche Springs," but women's groups got all upset and ruined the fun.

The Short Hillsians quickly realized that they didn't wish to associate with the plebeians in the rest of Millburn, and decided to establish their own post office and zip code. A train station was built in Short Hills so Short Hillsians wouldn't need to see their neighbors in Millburn while waiting for the train.

The Short Hills Train Station ca. 1970. Everything is gray because no people of color lived in Short Hills at the time.

Early 20th Century

The early 20th Century was a prosperous time for Short Hills. Its croquet team, the Moneystuffers, won the US Croquet Championship in 1926 and its polo team, the Short Hills Douches, won the 1948 US Polo Association Championship. Short Hills produced some of the best rich people sport competitors. Some of the athletes in rich people sports included:

• Felix Crenshaw (winner, 1935 World Squash Championship)
• Daniel Hornberry (men's windsurfing silver medalist, 1952 Olympics)
• Adele Gregory-Winshire (winner, 1922 Women's Fox Hunting Open)
• Cedric Pennelworth (captain, Short Hills Douches, winners of the 1948 US Polo Association Championship)
• Xavier Redmane (men's people hunting gold medalist, 1924 Olympics)
• Tyler Shaftsmasher (captain, Short Hills Moneystuffers, winners of the 1926 US Croquet Championship)

Mid-20th Century

In the mid-20th Century, unsavory ethnic groups began moving into Short Hills, and the WASPs that founded Short Hills had to finally share their douchey town. See "demographics" for more details.

In 1967, the Newark riots occurred along Newark's portion of Springfield Avenue, which terminates in Short Hills. Many Short Hills residents sat on their rooftops to watch the quaint fires below and laugh at the destruction of a community unfolding before their eyes.

Short Hills War for Independence (1981 - 1986)

In the 1980s, Short Hills attempted to gain independence from Millburn. The Reagan Administration funneled arms and money to the anticommunist Short Hills rebels, but they got busted by Congress (so lame!) and had to stop. The Short Hillsians then gave up and went back to playing squash. The Short Hills War for Independence lasted from January 1981 until November 1986, when the local paper, The Item, exposed the arms sales and money transfers. 10,000 people hired to fight on behalf of Short Hillsians died in the fighting.

Economy

Short Hills greatly benefits from its proximity to Bill de Blasio's People's Republic of New York City. The town is home to hundreds of people who commute into the People's Republic. Many Short Hills residents are lawyers, doctors, bankers or corporate executives who make high six-figure or even seven-figure salaries screwing other people over. The median household income of Short Hills is over $250,000. The median listing price for homes is $1.75 million

Short Hills is home to the Mall at Short Hills, which has a name stylized so that you feel unworthy of walking its glorious halls. The mall has a variety of stores that you're too poor to have ever heard of, so if you come, we're gonna think you're shoplifting and throw you in our custom Burberry prison and you'll wear uniforms designed by Marc Jacobs.

The Short Hills Village is a Potemkin village across from the Short Hills Train Station. It was built during the Short Hills War for Independence to make the world believe that Short Hills has its own downtown. When President Reagan rode through Short Hills Village on the train while running for re-election in 1984, he commented that Houston had changed significantly since he was last there and asked where all the skyscrapers and cowboys had gone.

Cocaine is an important part of Short Hills' economy. Teenagers who get bored popping Xanax pills they find in their parents' medicine cabinets frequently begin purchasing cocaine. Cocaine is also an excellent alternative to ADD medications like Adderall when a Short Hills teen needs to study.

Until 2010, Short Hills did not have its own Starbucks. Short Hillsians were forced to get their Starbucks Coffee in downtown Millburn, which is part of the 07041 zip code. In 2010, a Starbucks was opened in the Mall at Short Hills, answering the prayers of residents. Church and synagogue attendance in Short Hills has declined substantially since the Mall at Short Hills Starbucks opened.

Short Hills Douche Springs

Much of the town's wealth is derived from the famous Short Hills Douche Springs. The Short Hills Douche Springs generate $4.5 billion for Short Hills' economy annually, more money than being snobby and driving luxury foreign cars generate combined. Short Hills is famous for the Short Hills Douche Springs. The douchebaggery that many residents naturally produce washes off of their skin during rainstorms, creating douchebagwater. The douchebagwater seeps into the ground, where it is filtered through layers of gold, platinum, marble, and elephant ivory, creating a very fine douche. The douche then flows out of rocks across Short Hills during the summer, at which point it is harvested and sold by Short Hillsians.

Education

Students in Short Hills attend the Millburn Township Public Schools, which are the best in the state except for the kids from the 07041 zip code... Very few students in Short Hills attend private schools, because the Millburn schools don't have any African American or Latino children anyway. Newsweek ranked Millburn High School as the #1 public, non-magnet high school in the country. New Jersey Monthly ranked Millburn High School as the 5th best and not the best high school in the state, because those nerds don't live in Short Hills or even Millburn and they're just jealous. As of 2016, the annual tuition for a student to attend the Millburn Township Public Schools was $25,000 in property taxes.

Government & Politics

Government

Short Hills is governed by Millburn Township. Although Short Hills comprises a majority of the land and population of Millburn Township, it fought a bitter war for independence in the 1980s.

Since its incorporation as a municipality in 1857, Millburn has operated under the Township form of government. The five-member Township Committee is elected directly by the voters at-large in partisan elections to serve three-year terms of office on a staggered basis, with either one or two seats coming up for election each year as part of the November general election in a three-year cycle. At an annual reorganization meeting, the Township Committee selects one of its members to serve as Mayor. A Business Administrator manages the day-to-day functions of the Township.

As of 2016, members of the Township Committee are Mayor Scrooge McDuck (D; term on committee ends December 31, 2017; term as mayor ends 2016), Deputy Mayor Richie Rich (D, term on committee and as deputy mayor ends 2016), C. Montgomery Burns (D, 2017), Carter Pewterschmidt (D, 2016) and Lex Luthor (D, 2018).

Politics

When the WASPs ruled Short Hills, it was a Republican stronghold. Democrats were shot on sight and were subject to public executions. In the 2000s, Short Hillsians felt that George W. Bush with his Texas swagger wasn't sophisticated enough for them, and started voting Democrat. Today, Short Hills is mostly Democrat, and Republicans are subject to public shaming like being called racist for just wanting balanced budgets and deregulation. Restrictive covenants require that Short Hillsians selling their homes must only sell to people at least as progressive as President Barack Obama. Many Short Hills Democrats complain about high taxes, but love getting abortions and going to gay weddings too much to vote for any Republican.

Demographics

Short Hills was entirely WASP until the 1950s, when some Irish and Italian Catholics got rich enough to move out of Newark. Their hard-partying, transubstantianting, non-divorcing ways unsettled the WASPs, who vowed to preclude any other cretins from Short Hills. Catholics technically weren't allowed in Short Hills, but the WASPs were afraid of picking fights with them and allowed them to slip into their town.

Until 1959, Jews were not permitted to live in Short Hills. At that time, Philip Roth's book Goodbye, Columbus convinced the WASPs that Jews had a lot of money, so Jews were finally permitted. Because of this revolutionary change, Short Hillsian middle school students can expect to attend a bar or bat mitzvah every weekend, unless they're total fuckin' losers. Persons of Asian descent were not permitted to live in Short Hills until 1972, when President Richard Nixon visited China. African Americans and Latinos are still not permitted to live in Short Hills or to be out on roads after sundown.

The 1959 opening of Short Hills to the Jews began a rapid shift of the town's demographics. Catholics had already been encroaching on the WASPs' town, and by 1970, the WASPs were outnumbered by Catholics and Jews. The WASPs' allergy to other religious groups forced them to live a secluded existence in their mansions and country clubs, where they continue to hide to this day. Inbreeding among WASPs is standard practice in order to preserve the purity of WASP blood.

Today, Short Hills is a diverse, welcoming community, open to rich douchebags of any race or religion, except for rich African Americans or rich Latinos, who need to live in Maplewood.