“He hath kill'd me!”
Macbeth' is a subsidary of Mcdonalds. Macbeth is the slutty register chick who tricks you into buying way more burgers than you really need. Ten years before Shakespeare wrote the tie-in play that was to make his name, Nintendo released Macbeth as a game for the Nintendo Revolution. Featuring state-of-the-art control mechanics, especially when controlling the witches, the game shot to the top of the charts. Queen Elizabeth reportedly said of it: "This doth rock."
Macbeth was written by Samuel L. Jackson 230 years before he appeared in the film/musical "Fiat Punto make the best Hard Disk Drives" and 650 years to the day after he wrote and starred in "BathWars: The Adventures of Vance Miller"
History of the Game
The game took many years to even get off the ground. The visionary behind the project, Shigeru Miyamoto found every move that he made to write the background story blocked. His house was burgled, his kitten huffed, and his only son was revealed to be a daughter. In 1823, the Freedom Of Information Act revealed that Oprah was behind the campaign to prevent the game being made. She had feared that it would open a vortex in the space-time continuum, allowing the flying spaghetti monster access to her source of power. After four years of work, Miyamoto revealed his game. Involving a planatery high emporer from another universe who attempted to take over the planet McDougal, it was an instant hit. Two films, Macbeth:King of Dreams, and Macbeth II:This time it's personal were made, each picking up an oscar for their special effects.
Two months after the game came out, troubling reports began to emerge. According to a lawsuit brought against Nintendo, the three inter-stellar clairvoyants meant to help the player had the ability to teleport into the real world when the name of the game was uttered aloud. After two years of legal wrangling, it was ascertained that the word Macbeth was an ancient Aztec incantation, summoning doom and death upon the enemies of the utterer if said in the correct tone of voice. There was a brief fashion for utterly destroying your enemies, but the tragic death of Walter Raleigh put an end to it.
William Shakespeare, having bought the rights, spent three weeks on this. It was released to a general outcry, but has slowly become more popular, especially since 1854, when the controversial sex scene was re-introduced. It had originally been cut out after no-one could find an actor willing to be sodomised with a coronet onstage. Fanboys often hold that the original game is much better, and hold the following list of changes Shakespeare felt compelled to make as proof:
- Action changes from space to Scotland
- Lady Macbeth who, in the game, is a symbol of Lord Macbeth's frustration and, yes, has big breasts, is turned into a rather ugly small-breasted weirdo
- Mario's part was removed
- Complete and utter lack of pornography
Except the last gripe, all of these remain true today.
The plot of the play can basically be summed up as a man kills another man and is killed by another man whose family was killed by the other man. The man's wife is killed by herself before the man is killed by the other man. The man who killed another man also kills another man. (Say that ten times quickly!)
At the end of the play Macbeth is killed by bears because according to prophecy he is not killed by one born from woman, and bears are born from mother bears, which are not women.
The true reason for the decline of Macbeth was his addiction for the Purple Drank, which isn't born from woman. He just couldn't get enough of that Sizzurp. By the end of the game, the player is allowed to shout "PURPLE DRANK, BITCH!", or else a space/time vortex will open in their living rooms, releasing hundreds of thousands of small green midgets.
List of Key Characters
Macbeth - High Emperor of the Plannet Cawdor - In the play, Cawdor is merely a settlement in Scotland. To conform to Shakespeare's ignorance to the fact that such a place did not exist, the government had to rename a part of Scotland to stop people from asking questions. Cawdor is actually also a planet that orbits Uranus, it is also a city in italy, which is why Macbeth is part of the Mafia.
Lady Macbeth - Macbeth's taskmaster in the game and the play... with an altering cup size and a special mini-dress up game.
Banquo - Macbeth's comrade who helped him almost single-handedly defeat the Norwegian hordes of darkness with nothing but toothpaste and potato-peelers. In the game he was controlled by rubbish AI but was a popular choice for multiplayer because he was really hard to see and had the ability to teleport, rise from the dead and go through solid objects and liquids as well. Ironically he could not travel through gasses and therefore if his teleportation wasn't charged, he could only move if a wall came up to him which was a very rare occurance. In the play he was replaced by a duffus in a bedsheet standing over a trapdoor.
King Duncan - Has an accident a third of the way through the game, which involved impaling himself on Macbeth's sword. This resulted in Lady Macbeth attempting to clean up the godawful mess (see below). It was so bad, that Lady Macbeth often ended up having nightmares for many years afterwards. Quite tragic really. This is probably the main reason why this game has an 'R' rating.
Porter - Arguably the main character in the game. Unlocking him activates certain hidden sections of the game, such Lady Macbeth's dress-up minigame and being able to control those ent-like creatures from The Lord of the Rings, an ability vital later on in the game. It also allows you to be able to control hobbit-like green midgets, who are all gay. These are a very important part of the game, as without being able to control them,you cannot hide under Lady Macbeth's dress, which is the point of the game.
One of the most famous lines features the mighty Snoop Dogg saying to Macbeth "Is this a shizzle that I see before your nizzle"
- All in all, do you think Lady Macbeth was a lesbian? Justify your position.
- Using your interpretation of the play, make an estimate of her Breast Size and draw a flowchart in the shape of breasts to support your opinion. Do any characters 'appreciate' her endowment? If yes, how so? (provide a very detailed explanation. Pictures are highly recommended)
- If you answered yes to the above questions, would you like to see her do a porno? Justify your position.
- Las Vegas bookies give modern day Duncan 4-1 over Macbeth. Do you agree or disagree? Would you place the bet?
- Do you wish the word 'Thane' was banned from the English language? Explain.
- What is the point of wishing for "double, double, toil and trouble"? Can the witches be considered masochistic?
- Discuss coup d'etats in light of what we now know about transfers of government power in ancient Scotland. How would Machiavelli relate to this?
- Modern day soothsayers use Tarot cards and crystal balls. Are these more accurate than boiling cauldrons? Discuss.
It has recently been outlawed due to the combination of music, Shakespeare and burlesque pornography. You'll be glad to know, however, that Romeo and Juliet: The Musical Uncovered is being produced by Earl & co and will be released disguised as a French version of Tetris.