UnScripts:King Lear

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Act One

I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map...

Act I, scene i

Gloucester: I wonder who Lear will give his kingdom to. By the way, this is my stupid bastard son.

Kent: Sweet.

Lear enters.

Lear: I am going to split my kingdom in three so I can live more easily.

Goneril: I love you a lot.

Regan: I love you more.

Lear: Yay, my kids love me... (to Cordelia) What about you?

Cordelia: I cannot say how much I love you.

Lear: Fuck off, then.

Kent: Calm down, you're being unreasonable.

Lear: You can fuck off too.

Burgundy: Wait, I don't want to marry Cordelia now. I won't get any money.

France: I'll take as many chicks as I can find. I am French, after all.

Exit all but Goneril and Regan

Goneril: Lear is a tool.

Regan: Let's screw him over.

Now tell Santa what you want for Christmas.

Act I, scene ii

Edmund: I hate my brother. Hmm... I know, I'll tell my dad that he's trying to overthrow him!

Enter Gloucester

Gloucester: I believe you. I will kill Edgar.

Exit Gloucester

Enter Edgar

Edmund: Dad is trying to kill you, run away!

Edgar: Gosh, Dad is starting to be a bit of a turd lately.

Act I, scene iii

Goneril: Oswald, piss off Lear.

Oswald: Okay.

Act I, scene iv

Kent: I will disguise myself.

Enter Lear

Kent: Lear I want to serve you. (trips Oswald)

Lear: You're awesome!

Fool: Hey Lear, you're an idiot.

Lear: Come say that to my face.

Goneril: Yo Dad, I'm taking some of your knights back.

Lear: Screw you, I'm off to Regan's.

Act I, scene v

Fool: Lear, you're still an idiot.

Lear: Shut up.

Act Two

Act II, scene i

Edmund: Run Edgar. (cuts himself) Dad, Edgar tried to kill me!

Gloucester: I believe you. Edgar must die!

Edmund: Nice.


Act II, scene ii

Kent: Oswald, you are a massive cunt. (beats him)

Regan: Kent, what the hell?

Kent: Uh, oh.

Act II, scene iii

Edgar: That's it, I'm getting naked and changing my name to Tom. (strips) Alright!

Act II, scene iv

Lear: I am angry. No I am not. Yes I am.

Regan and Goneril (together): Now you can't have any knights.

Lear: Damn.

Act Three

Act III, scene i

Kent: Lear is in a storm... Shit!

Pla plee plo pli plu!

Act III, scene ii

Lear: I hate you, rain! I hate you so much that I hate my daughters. Do your worst.

Fool: Go indoors.

Lear: No.

Kent: Yes.

Lear: Okay.

Act III, scene iii

Gloucester: French people are coming to kill us. Oh yeah, and I'm going to look for Lear.

Exit Gloucest

Edmund: I'm telling.

Act III, scene iv

Lear: My daughters are bitches.

Edgar: I'm Tom.

Lear: Hey, you're pretty cool.

Gloucester: Lear, come with me.

Lear: Only if we get to bring the naked guy.

Gloucester: What?

Act III, scene v

Endmund: Gloucester is Frenchie.

Cornwall: Let's get him.

Heh heh heh! It's a candle!

Endund: Oh, my poor father. How could you do such a thing? (aside) Sucker!

Act III, scene vi

Lear: Let's all act like crazy people.

Edgar: Okay.

Lear: I sentence you all to eat my boogers! Take that, you sucky daughters!

Edgar: And I thought I was a weirdo.

Act III, scene vii

Regan: Take that!

Gloucester: Stop that. Ow ow ow!

Servant: Hey, you meanie!

Servant dies

Gloucester: I'm blind, you monster.

Regan: No one cares. Now, go smell your way to Dover.

Gloucester: Oh, good comeback.

Act Four

Act IV, scene i

Edgar: I will lead you to Dover.

Whup whup!

Gloucester: Naw, just take me to a giant cliff.

Edgar: Yeah, that makes more sense.

Act IV, scene ii

Goneril: I want you Edmund.

Edmund: Ew, no.

Albany: You're a horrible person.

Goneril: You're a coward.

Albany: I know you are, but what am I.

Messanger: Cornwall is dead.

Albany: Awesome.

Act IV, scene iii

Gentleman: Cordelia's sad.

Kent: Lear is a whackjob.

Act IV, scene iv

Cordelia: (to soldiers) Find Lear.

Doctor: Oh, he's probably hiding in a cornfield like a crazy person. We should give him drugs.

Messenger: The British are coming! The British are coming!

Cordelia: Let's kill the English!


Act IV, scene v

Regan: I want Edmund in my pants.

Oswald: Yuck!

Act IV, scene vi

Gloucester: I'm gonna kill myself. (falls down)

Edgar: You survived. What a miracle! The gods must love you.

Lear: Me like flowers! Fie, fie, fie! pah! pah!

Oswald: I'm gonna kill you, Gloucester!

Edgar: Oh no, you don't.

Oswald: I'm dead.

Act IV, scene vii

Cordelia: Oh, my father.

Lear: Chicken!

Act Five

Act V, scene i

The end.

Regan: Edmund, you're hot. Sleep with me.

Goneril: No, sleep with me.

Edgar: Psst, Albany. Everyone wants to kill you.

Albany: Well, this sucks.

Exit everyone except Edmund

Edmund: All the ladies love me... I'm so cool.

Act V, scene ii

Everyone fights. The French lose (what a surprise).

Act V, scene iii

Lear: We've been arrested.

Everyone dies