“I've heard of it.”
Kingdom Come is a small town that lies about thirty-five miles from the outskirts of Boise, Idaho. The city of Kingdom Come has always been a mysteriously unknown place on the map, and many people have believed Kingdom Come to be a mythological locale. However, Kingdom Come is actually a very real location and is a growing center for small summer vacations.
The town of Kingdom Come was founded in 1878 by two men in dark suits and sunglasses, answering to the names of Jake and Elwood. Personal written accounts from local residents of the time report that the two mysterious men moved to Idaho after leaving Illinois. When hounded by struggling independent reporters about their mission for the town, Jake and Elwood would simply answer, "We're on a mission from God."
Nothing more is known of these two men, besides the fact that they were arrested thirty years later in their own city for income tax evasion. After this unfortunate demise, a young Aretha Franklin assumed the role of mayor to the city before being elected as President of the United States. Nothing more was ever heard of the founders of Kingdom Come.
Tourism is the biggest commercial industry to develop in Kingdom Come. Visitors have been known to travel to this city from as far as Alabama and Indonesia to enjoy its incredible sights and sounds. Kingdom Come is very well-known for its exquisite restaurants featuring light cuisine, fried chicken, dry white toast, and angel food cake. Kingdom Come is also known as being host to the largest religious art museum in the world.
By far, the single most popular event in all of Kingdom Come is the annual Kingdom Festival that is held in the center of town. Once a year, the townsfolk gather together to listen to jazz music, talk amongst one another, and engage in games of skiball. Bread, wine, and funnel cake is free of all charge to all visitors, but the more extreme festival visitors come dressed as potatoes as they sample a generous portion of free french fries.
In a recent survey that was published in the town's local newspaper, Kingdom Come Chronicle', Kingdom Come was rated "the most underrated vacation destination in the nation." Paul Peters, the public relations advisor of the city, has long favored aggressive methods of grassroots campaigning to spread the word about Kingdom Come; yet the town still suffers from ambiguity in the public mind. Children who have never before visited Kingdom Come are known to induce headaches on their parents as they whine their way to the city. Many irritated parents end up retalating by warning their children, "If you don't shut up, I'm going to slap you from here to Kingdom Come!" Fortunately, the children always leave the town with smiles on their faces.
Forty percent of Kingdom Come's population is composed of young families, teenagers, and priests, respectively. The other sixty percent of the population is comprised largely of senior citizens and war veterans.
The most well-known senior citizens and veterans' home in Kingdom Come is Angel Estates, formerly an orpahnage that was closed down after failure to pay its bills. This luxurious estate attracts numerous veterans from neighboring cities with its famous slogan, "The place to come if you've been blasted to Kingdom Come." Residents of Angel Estates comment on the kingly treatment that they receive in the estate, though the local police department has often received complaints about the noise and party music that blasts from the estate windows and disturbs students at the local Kingdom University.
Strangely, no deaths have ever been recorded in Kingdom Come. The city has grown at a steady pace since it was first founded in 1878, yet no being older than 120 years of age lives in the vicinity. This has been a very strange phenomenon that nobody has yet been able to explain.
- It is illegal to commit suicide in Kingdom Come. Any attempt to commit suicide is a felony that can be punished with the death sentence.
- Kingdom Come is home to the oldest living apple tree on record. This tree is so old that inhabitants of the town have referred to it as "the tree of good and evil" for over a century. Unfortunately, the tree has recently been roped-off due to an uncontrollable infestation of snakes, but this marvel of nature can still be viewed from a distance.
- Devil's food cake is banned in the city. Violators found smuggling devil's food cake into Kingdom Come will be charged with a very hefty fine.
- Deviled eggs are also discouraged. Residents are frequently urged to take no egg preparation steps beyond "over easy."
- Kingdom Come is home to one of the country's best rehabilitation centers. Many people have been sent to Kingdom Come, though few ever leave.
- The town was once used as a location shoot for the exclusive Discovery Channel documentary, The Ten Best Places to Raise a Ferret.
- Kingdom Come has sometimes been confused with the United Kingdom, even though these two locations have absolutely nothing to do with each other.
- Kingdom Come was the main filming location for the Disney movie Kingdom Hearts.
- Kingdom Come is the birthplace of legendary actor Ron Jeremy.