HowTo:Survive the TidePodcalypse
What is the TidePodcalypse, you may ask? It's more than just the mysterious discovery of Retards that you can make a meme from eating Tide Pods. No, this is something much, much worse. So what is it, and where did it come from?
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History[edit]
The TidePodcalypse has its roots in the election of Donald Trump. Some voted for him because they were tired of Bill Gates trying to tell them how to think. And then there were those who couldn't accept the results. They resurrected The Bolsheviks of ancient Germany as a modern-day Antifa, and began a cry fest for the ages. Until they found that their Trump Derangement Syndrome granted them unusual powers, unlocked only by eating Tide Pods and ritually Screaming Helplessly at the Sky. Exactly how these powers manifest seems to depend on which special interest group they belong to first; yet all of them seem to want to destroy your house one way or another.
Proto-Podcalypse catalysts[edit]
No one's entirely sure what all the secret ingredients are that allow someone to be a Tide Zombie, versus simply die. However, some speculate that Paint chips being eaten by left-wingers' children may play a role. The toxicity of paint chips seems to rewire everything and re-configure their chemistry, as if predestining them to eat Tide later in life.
More research is required by Scientists to determine if paint chips and childhood are essential.
Tide zombies and power levels[edit]
Tide zombies all are born when one of them eats a Tide Pod and dies, then comes back from the dead with their powers unlocked. They blindly serve the will of George Soros, and are prone to autistic screeching. How dangerous any particular one of them is depends on their power levels, which is determined by how many Tide Pods they can consume before they destroy themselves in both body and mind.
Level 1: Basic zombie[edit]
This zombie loves to infest Facebook. They generally have no life, and post worthless and senseless Troll posts to see if anyone cares how well they can virtue signal about their Trump Derangement Syndrome. They feel a need to remind you that they hate Trump every few minutes, and usually have only consumed a total of two Tide Pods before reaching this point. They are generally harmless, and more irritating than anything else. In public, they can usually be ignored. So ignore them if you can.
Level 2: High Tide[edit]
These zombies are a bit harder to #walkaway from. They post things so utterly nonsensical and incoherent and full of hate, you wonder how they can even function in life. Expect them to have Rabies comorbid with their TDS. Avoid them in real life if at all possible, as they have Trump living rent-free in their heads and will not hesitate to make it your problem.
Don't let them in your house, and don't let them near your laundry room. You have been warned!
Level 3: Superdrive[edit]
This is the level most Antifa members are at. Expect them to barely be able to utter a single coherent sentence. Stociking up on a Triple Barreled Shotgun or 50 is not unreasonable, as they will burn your garage down to gain access to your home to gain more Tide Pods and power up. In desperation, they will drink Clorox, offending many Chans at once and possibly self-destructing.
Superdrive-level Tide zombies are genuinely dangerous, and will fight you if they think you're a "racist", a "sexist", or any other -ism popular with the Democrat Party when it lacks an argument of substance and needs to throw cards at others. The Antifa flavor in particular lives in a Fantasyland where anyone who isn't them is a "Nazi," and they are video game protagonists who must punch to gain score points.
They hate anything in general dealing with Western civilisation, and will choke on Pods as they continue to express said hatred. They scream helplessly at the sky more than the previous two categories.
Level 4: Apar-Tide[edit]
We warned you not to let them get this powerful! This is when they truly gain superpowers, and become less than human. At this level, a Tide zombie can now autistically screech in your general direction with decibels ranging from 80 to Fus Ro Dah!!! They can damage You, Your mom, your house, and anything else around them with damage levels ranging from Shoop da whoop to WTF Boom! While Trump will still be their president, that doesn't mean there will be much left of you or your neighborhood.
If they get this powerful, your options are to load up your DX-4 vaporizer cannon or run like hell. Rumor has it their screeching can be heard from the edge of Space.
Level 5: Maximum OverTide (Total TidePodcalypse)[edit]
If they consume this much Tide and aren't totally destroyed, only a Nuke will stop them. Your town is history. And possibly you, if you didn't run away by now. You've been warned. They will act like the legions of Hell, and it may take a visitation from Jesus Christ himself to exorcise the demons out of them. Any sane or rational thought you have will be grounds for them to foam Tide at the mouth and attack en masse. Expect them to be extra filthy, as all the Tide oozing from their every orifice will pick up every spare speck of mud along their way to finding you.
Don't attempt to reason with them; it'll only make them angrier! They may even try to turn you into a Tide zombie, though rejecting their mantra means you'll more likely simply die than come back as one of them.
Level 6: Downy-nado!!![edit]
It's like a Sharknado, but with purple Downy beads. Level 5 Tide Zombies can gain even more power by switching to eating these. Where once they can shake the air and destroy a city, they can now shake a continent by their autistic screeching alone! They can summon thunderstorms on a whim, to reflect their violent inner state of being. They are very rare, but extremely dangerous! They are so mad that Trump won in 2016, they're ready to destroy the planet out of their sheer frustration!
If you see one of these, bombs away! Aim for their backs, so they can't screech the bomb right back at you!
Alternate Pods[edit]
Not all Tide zombies need necessarily get fueled by Tide proper exclusively. However, it's the most efficient way to create the higher level dangerous zombies. Less efficient pods run the gamut, but the most popular of these would be Gain Flings - also by Proctor and Gamble. Whereas the TidePodcalypse is called exactly that when actual Tide is involved, the very rare Gain Fling equivalent is dubbed "Gain-Fling-Geddon." These rare cousins of Maximum OverTide Zombies are almost as dangerous, in spite their unorthodox fuel.
Interest flavors[edit]
Whatever a Tide zombie was before becoming one officially usually determines how they express their dangerous side at every level of zombification.
LGBTQPIZ militants[edit]
Normal ones may riot, or may commit acts of indecent exposure in front of your children. You know, mildly annoying stuff. When they're under the influence of Tide, #hideyourpicnictables! You'll thank yourself later.
Antifa[edit]
It's getting harder and harder to find members of Antifa that aren't at least at the Superdrive level of Tide zombiedom. The best thing you can do if you need to approach an area where they are, is to carry a Flamethrower. Otherwise, avoid the area. If anyone in the local government has any Brains, they'll use napalm from helicopters to cleanse the area of the infestation. If they approach your house, a Machine gun is the bare minimum of what you should defend yourself with.
It is better to sacrifice your youngest-born to them, than to let them near your laundry room! Remember this!
(Only) Black Lives Matter (Except in Chicago)[edit]
These are most likely to be arsonists. Expect George Soros to pay them handsomely. They can do the most damage while eating the least amount of Tide to get that dangerous, so be extra careful around them! The one saving grace, is they tend to burn each other's houses down before burning down the houses they were supposed to target.
Facebook / Twitter mobsters[edit]
These are probably the least physically dangerous, but blocking or reporting them should be a priority if they get out of hand. They won't hesitate to alert the other camps to your location, like hens sounding the fox alarm.
Appearance[edit]
Advanced Tide Zombies take on a very troll-like appearance, and prefer to be dressed in black (but will settle for whatever they died wearing.) They will often wave their arms about, as if to conjure a spell of some sort. Their eyes are usually blackened out in advanced stages, and their vocal cords allow them to autistically screech at Banshee levels.
It's believed that Stephen King had a prophetic vision of advanced Tide Zombies once. However, he didn't know what to do with it. So he made a doll based on it and gave it to Hollywood to make a one-off monster for a cat to fight. Because the budget didn't allow for machine guns and Tide Pods didn't exist then. So he settled for a cat.
Powers per level[edit]
| Tide Level | Rising from the dead | Eating more Tide powers up | Extreme TDS | Hates all western civilization | Super strength | Fus roh dah | Exosphere audible | Local earthquake | Ooze from every orifice | Shake a continent | Cause a Downy-nado |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (Basic zombie) | ✔ | ✔ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ |
| 2 (High-Tide) | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ |
| 3 (Superdrive) | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ |
| 4 (Apar-Tide) | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✖ | ✖ | ✖ |
| 5 (Maximum OverTide) | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✖ | ✖ |
| 6 (Downy-Nado) | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ |
Do[edit]
- Arm yourself with whatever weapon you can. Overkill for a normal jackass neighbor is perfectly appropriate for a Tide zombie at levels Superdrive or above.
- Keep a low profile
- Vote for anyone other than Hillary, but stay alert
- Keep an automatic turret gun next to the flag on your house.
- Arm yourself with counter-arguments to leave levels 1 and 2 without a leg to stand on.
- Hire a lawyer. The pushing back you may have to do may require you to have one handy, in case one of the zombies still appears too human and you face charges for self-defense.
- Avoid areas where they congregate.
- Keep a fire extinguisher nearby. Use foam, as water will simply get absorbed by all the Tide in your environment. After all, they want to burn your house down!
Don't[edit]
- Walk defenseless into areas they have swarmed.
- Show up in said areas with a MAGA hat and unarmed.
- Concede or surrender any ground in the culture war. This will only embolden them.
- Wear a flag T-shirt in areas they swarm.
- Own a restaurant if you're a Pussy. Defend that like a brave hero defends his shop from the mafia! Hire your own enforcers rather than even attempt to negotiate with a Tide zombie - especially the Antifa kind!
- Try to reason with them if you're a WWII veteran. They will eat you for lunch!
- Forget that they wear spiked brass knuckles and sap gloves, so launching pyrophoric pellets at them with pellet guns is okay.
- Dress up like the Ku Klux Klan for ANY reason! Seriously, Don't be stupid!
- Wear a cute Spider-Man mask to make fun of their masks. They will whip out their spare pods and level up just to smash your face in!
- Leave your family, pets, picnic tables, or laundry room unattended at any time!
Non-human infectees[edit]
So far, only humans and ducks appear to be able to undergo zombification. When Tide that oozes out of the orifices of a level 5 human zombie gets on anything, it becomes irresistible to ducks. They will lick it, die, and come back as duck Tide Zombies. These zombies will often transform into pod-making factories. They will act like normal ducks, except they will generate a new Tide Pod every so often in the bottom of their beaks. They will then have to spit it out after generating it. It won't be an ordinary Pod; but one that's specially able to seduce other ducks into eating it, spreading the infection. It can also level up a human zombie if they eat enough of these.
If you see a non-infected duck about to eat it, do whatever you can to make it spit that Tide out of its beak. Infected ducks must be butchered on the spot. Since they're converted to being miniature Tide factories, their meat is inedible. They must be burned.