Tide Pod
Tide Pods are a 2069 invention sent back in time through a tear in the fabric of the universe. Originally intended to be for human consumption, toting promises of divine purification and superhuman gifts, they ended up in the hands of housewives or the children of housewives doing laundry until brave souls pioneered the art of eating them, and art which was lost until the Great Resurgence of 2069. Scientists remain unsure what is the cause of this mental regression in a product that should be received the same way as the present civilisation did.
They believe "Mank Deme Syndrome" may be related to the cause. Mank Deme Syndrome, scientifically known as Mentalus Retardus, is the tendency of brainless human beings to spontaneously develop the ability to manipulate objects in the environment in revolutionary ways. However, further study is required to fully establish the cause of Mank Deme Syndrome and its ties to the Tide Pod Revolution of 2069.
History (2069 D.A.)[edit]
Originally, the concept of Wave Pods were conceived in the world's dankest country, the United States of America and Texas. Unfortunately, they were too lazy to develop it - it would have been a fantastic chemical weapon. When the United States collapsed in 2069 after the tenure of its latest president, the Freiza Saga was finally over, the American Spirit Bomb having done jack shit to stop the Soviet machine (even though they spent 7 years to make the bomb). The Soviet Union entered an era of prosperity, opening fancy restaurants after many French porn industry members decided they wanted to go into the food business instead. Bringing the money with them, these porn stars establishing proper restaurants, serving delicious heart attacks and wonderful fatteners. The MarxDonald's and Burger Tsar were born. However, their popularity was not without end. On one fateful day, when the Soviet scientists were attempting to reverse-engineer the concept of Wave Pods as a chemical weapon, they inadvertently created the Tsar Pods, otherwise known as Tide Pods to the common consumer.
Tests on human subjects have revealed that the Tide Pods have been able to grant a plethora of superhuman abilities, including but not limited to hallucinations, projectile vomiting, and suspended animation. One man who consumed the Tide Pods was able to go to heaven even though he was a known serial rapist who preyed on waifus. Immediately, the Soviet Union marketed the product, boasting about the benefits of communism while the Americans sat on their fat asses staring at plummeting stocks and fertility rates.
Subsequent Endangerment[edit]
Propaganda from the World Health Organisation began to attack the Soviet attempts to "poison" the citizens of its rival countries and opponents. Apparently, the issue of AIDS and HIV in Africa was less important than the unlikely event of someone being poisoned by Tide Pods. While the Tsarspenser orbital dispenser soared in demand, it was still in jeopardy. The WHOes collaborated with the European Treaty Organisation (it was changed from NATO to ETO when the United States died) and began destroying the orbital launchers. While the Soviets ran around screaming their heads off, their friends the Russians decided to take it upon themselves to preserve the invention that changed the world.
Designing a quantum tear device, they were able to tear through the fabric of spacetime, prevent Kim Jong Un from ever being born by impregnating his mother before the father did, and smuggle a schematic for the Tide Pods into a box of materials floating across the Pacific. History would remain forever changed - Kpop would not exist in 2069 and the Tide Pods would have been saved from extinction. While they could not save the Ugandan Knuckles and The Way of the Meme, they were determined to save what they could. They placed all their atheist communist fascist communist capitalist socialist marxist zionist leninist stalinist putinist faith into this one gamble. No vodka was involved, surprisingly. People were simply deeply inhaling carbon monoxide fumes, which served as a replacement drug for the effects of the now-legendary-rarity Tide Pods.
Arrival in The Past (2017 D.A.)[edit]
While the Tide Pods were transported through the fabric of spacetime, they began to exhibit the effects of laundry detergent while still maintaining their restorative, physically enhancing effects. Eventually, they made their way to the shores of California in the United States, scenting the water and drawing tonnes of visitors to the scalded shores of the state (not to be confused with the states of Mother Russia, a precursor to the Soviet Union). Local Democrats discovered the red and yellow Tide Pods, much to their displeasure. At first, they created pure blue tide pods; however, they established that such debauchery would never be marketable as peace offerings to the Texans who demanded the streets be painted blue with the blood of "cocksuckin' liberal whackjobs". Therefore, the Tide Pods were given the orange-blue colour scheme they exhibit in the current timeline of 2017-18, otherwise known as the Great Meme Age, birth of all sorts of dumb shit, bad memes, scary hentai, and this fucking article (the author is also a disgruntled time-traveler).
Eventually, the Democrats, with the help of Wall Street investors, Goldman Sachs, the Clinton Foundation, and other corporate interest groups, were able to fund enough anti-GOP attack ads opposing the colouring of Tide Pods. This resulted in the ratification of the Tide Act of 2017, permitting the production of Tide Pods for public use, but only as laundry detergents. According to Bitch McConnell, the move was "uncalled for" and "unconstitutional" under the Equal Protection Clause of the US Constitution's 14th Amendment, which says all men and women only are equally protected under the law (children, female adolescents, and other categories exempt). According to him, forcing Tide Pods to be only marketed as laundry products is unfair to those who want to eat them. His statements were responded to by Friends of Chuck 'n' Nancy spokesperson nicknamed "Justin the Valley of Darkness". Justin's statement follows: "Any dumbass can go eat those Tide Pods, who's stopping them? We just need to get the product before the Soviets do and make sure Wize Hockey doesn't start releasing them as hockey pucks for Soviet Olympians".
Commercialisation[edit]
While the conglomerate of a single greedy asshole known as Amazon.com seized reproduction for the Tide Pod formula, jobless housewives and the young children of supah-thicc lazy housewives were forced into the hard labour of inserting the new Tide Pods into their home washing machines instead of pouring detergent and softener into the relevant compartments. It seemed that the culture of capitalism was forever doomed to condemn somewhat free citizens to the daily humdrum of laundry. People were desperate to consume the Tide Pods - something was so irresistible about the scent they gave off. Unfortunately, the only few who were able to obtain the pods and obtain immeasurable power were pursued by the newly formed S.W.O.R.D. S.W.O.R.D was established to combat the newly formed X-Women and Y-Men alliances of mutated degenerate defective humans resulting from successful Tide pod consumption. These were the first cultivators of the Tide Pod Revolution and its subsequent products.
Unfortunately for the movement, the X-Women and Y-Men discovered that eating the Tide Pods made them infertile because the source of their power was stored in the gonads. Women could not maintain eggs and men could not maintain organic semen. Therefore, S.W.O.R.D emerged victorious as it turns out these wishful proponents ended up dying upon orgasm.
Development into Cuisine (late 2017, early 2018 D.A.)[edit]
Gordon Ramsay was one of the first to pounce on the marketability of the Tide Pods. First featured on his popular show, The Apprentice Chef, he decided that eating the pussy of porn stars wasn't worth the time once he discovered that he had successfully impregnated his wife with their latest child (she just gave birth, he thought she was just filling up on food the past nine months). He first tasted a Tide Pod Ravioli at some random restaurant on the show, and later bought the patent and copyright licenses from the company (regulars later boycotted when they discovered the restaurant sold its license to sell their signature modified Tide Pods).
Gordon Ramsay was able to circumvent the laws protecting the Tide Pods from restaurant distribution by changing the shape of the pod, adding excess material to circumscribe the circular pod inside a white square instead of a circle. Mr Popo approved of this - the US government was unable to oppose the statement that "all these squares make a circle" because it was both true and false at the same damn time. Ramsay first distributed Tide Pod fluid as the "Lam Saus" which he was unable to find, all thanks to the cherubs in Heaven's Chicken, who kept using the sauce bottles as dildos. Eventually, people began to take out the Tide Pods for consumption at home, giving some shitheads the idea of eating the damn things. Much to the pleasure of the citizens, however, the legislators of the US government finally allowed Tide Pods to be used for any purpose, but absolved themselves of any responsibility for damages (Ramsay told them that it would bring in tax revenue from excise taxes).
While people began to consume the Tide Pods, they found that, much to their disappointment, they ended up going to the hospital because they lacked the mutant gene necessary to activate their powers. Many began to die, but this was not the end. The Tide Pod challenge had been born.
Legacy (Year 2018 D.A.)[edit]
The Tide Pod challenge was adopted by stupid teenagers in the year 2018 D.A. They believed that it would grant them immediate tickets to heaven and grant them amazing powers if they swallowed, but as they did not swallow, they neither went to heaven nor did they manage to obtain superhuman powers. However, a few did manage to properly embrace the taste of the pod, swallowing it in its entirety. A exchange between a teenager and his mother follows: "Mom, I'm going to a better place now. All you did was screw our neighbor, why are you crying?"
"I just got custody of you! Do you know how much money I had to spend on a divorce lawyer? Your father didn't even give me any money to sue him with!"
The teen later died, but many others soon followed like mindless meerkats jumping off a cliff. It was an astonishing act that was as powerful as the high tide. Scientists began to document the spontaneous phenomenon that appeared to follow the trend of "if that person eats shit then I can too" More and more young pilgrims began to take on the challenge, suddenly developing an initiative to be useful human beings and undergo a ritualistic suicide, filming their attempted progression to the next stage of existence.
It was later discovered that the dying teens were indeed obtaining the alleged superpowers. Most of them had successfully moved on to the afterlife (I don't know what hell they call it, for heaven's sake). Interestingly enough, pilgrims who did not pass the pod fluid before dying were granted archangel status in the Kingdom of Hev-N. Thus, it was proven that anyone and everyone could consume the Tide Pods and reap the mystical benefits. When the scientific community embraced the practice, citing it as an "oddity of the human psyche", psychics confirmed the crossing of the souls of the departed in a live broadcast on Fox Blitzer's Bitchuation Room, in the Fake News Network HQ.
Decline[edit]
Unfortunately for the movement, it has seen a steep decline in popularity as fake news networks such as FNN, CBA, and CBullShit began peddling the wonder-drug pods as a health concern. This caused ill-informed parents to instead wash clothes with regular soap and water in order to prevent their incorrigible brats from eating what amounted to bleach. Civil rights groups attacked the decisions of parents, stating "the world would be better off without these people"
While the Tide Pod Challenge has decreased in popularity, the memes still run rampant. The famous Tide-chan cosplay has become quite popular as a way to attract young men for sex. This was a newfound way to eat the Tide pods without actually doing so, circumventing parental instructions. As a result, pod-human hybrids were born. This new race would eventually go on to outpopulate the standard homo sapiens as hetero podus. In an effort to suppress the booming population, the World Health Organisation was formed. They targeted Amazon.com's production facilities, blowing them the fuck up because there was no harm in doing so. After all, the only remains would be a pile of rubble and a wonderful scent (Amazon's facilities had fully automated manufacturing devices to avoid paying workers).
TidePodcalypse[edit]
When those with Trump Derangement Syndrome got into Tide Pods, there was a brief resurgence of the fad as a niche, for the few who could still eat them and do anything other than simply die. The Tide Zombie was born, requiring a how to on others surviving the phenomenon.
The Great Resurgence of 2069[edit]
The Tide pod craze was suppressed by the WHOes and the art of the eating all-natural pods and relevant anthropomorphic varieties died out. However, a secret Russian organisation known as the Killuminati preserved the Tide pods during their uprising to take over Mother Russia. They felt that while the technology to produce these legendary equips should remain suppressed for now, they felt that in a distant future, when their country was a free communist society, the pods would rise again into the arms of an accepting society. The Killuminati would eventually go to overthrow Mother Russia and form the Soviet Union, a free society dedicated to the colours red and yellow and the marketing of Tide pods.
And so ends the story of the Tide Pods, folks. Now you know the story never told, but there remains one question: how cancerous does your mind have to be to look up an article on Tide pods? Seriously dude, what the fuck?!
And how fucked up do you have to be to spend THREE FUCKING HOURS on an article like this? Sure, that might not be a lot of time for some of Uncyclopedia's greatest, but for some random moron behind a computer who has better things to - actually, nevermind. Hope you enjoyed this, I need to return to my timeline now. My work here...is done.
Tide pods look like ravioli. Surely I'm not the only one who thinks so. Right?