HowTo:Pick your nose

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Picking your nose is a highly skilled and highly sought after art-form that can be quite hard to master. This article will hopefully impart the knowledge of successful "picking" (the term the masters use) passed down through the ages. Because your time is definitely precious, we will condense the 34 year training into a day's worth of hard work.

Why pick your nose anyways?[edit]

Because quite frankly, in this fast paced world, smart people such as yourselves, have no time to waste. It increases virility (like you need more anyways) and can aid in the recovery of lost treasure. It can also be used as an offensive weapon against robot ninjas.

Sounds Great, How do I Start?!?!?[edit]

Woah, easy there now, those in the "know" knows to be patient. You will need the following items:

  • 1) A nose to pick. (it does not necessarily need to be yours, but it is preferable if it is)
  • 2) Something to "pick" the nose.

Traditionalists, tend to use a body appendage (such as fingers, elbows and their heels). The new wave of picking tends to use things found around the house or yard. Some of these items include, but are not limited to:


Knives should not be used as they can cut you, and you don't want that do you?

  • pencils, pens and other writing utensils
  • kitchenware
  • letter openers
  • hotdogs and other tube shaped "meat" that do not contain spices.
  • combs
  • screwdrivers (Robertson is the best, Phillips just screw you in the head)
  • an Indian friend


To do this in the safest manner, always always do this in a comfortable position. I cannot stress this enough.


Take the object that you want to pick with and slowly begin putting it in one of your nostrils (or noseholes). You should see the object disappearing into the hole. If not and you feel a “filling” sensation in your butt, you are not putting it in the right hole. Stop and find where the nose is. Next, when you cannot put the object any further up your nose without blurry vision or speech impairment, twist the object in a circular motion. You should feel stuff coming off the inside of your nose. Remove the object and inspect what you have gained in treasure. Oftentimes, nose-picking is an essential part of a romantic relationship. At first, pick your noses in each other's presence, and when you get comfortable with it, you may wish to start picking the nose of your partner (and then swallow). Later on in the nose-picking relationship, you may feel comfortable enough to pick your partner's nose when not wearing any pants. Just remember, sometimes it is okay to cross the boundaries of moral decency when in the process of nose-finger love-making.


Now that you have your "treasure", you many want to dispose of it, that is if it isn't gold. There are three ways you may go about this.

1.insert item into mouth and swallow (suggested)
2.Wipe under an object (prefferably desks and chairs)
3.sell it to a merchant in Aruba or Nanjing

Side Effects and Things to Lookout for[edit]

Don’t worry if some of these things don’t come true. Success varies with the individual and the amount of treasure they get, the more the better.