Touching

One or more of the authors of this entry was terribly bored. They may be afflicted with Attention Deficit... hey, we should go fly kites. That'd be so awesome! We haven't flown kites, since, like, summer. Hey, summer is when birds come out! Birds are so cool.
You can help by paying for their Ritalin, or finding them a kitten to play with.

In case you didn't know, this is an example of the "Touch" action. Stoopid.

Touching was invented by a "man", when he accidentally "fell" on a person. People around him saw this phenomenon, then went around touching people. The art of touching is commonly used in the act of "wuv"; not to be confused with "lurv" or "Lurvin". It has been passed down from generations that are, like, really old, and is still in full force in the today time.

When touching was first invented, the Baptist Church, Gandhi and perhaps a lot of other people were against it, they thought it was too sexy to be used in our (their) time.

The "man" in question that first used this method of touching was a great man, not unlike Jesus, but still was ridiculed my the Baptist Church and Ghandi. All further inventions by this many were varied and of little amount.

Uses[edit]

Touching is used for many purposes that are non-sexual, for example:

holding
grabbing
painting
Micheal Jacks.. no wait, that is sexual
shopping
opening windows
feeeeling things

See? Lots of things.

There are also many ways of touching that are sexual. See Inappropriate Touching

"Man"[edit]

The last known image of "Man", may he rest in peace.

"Man" is not alive at the present and his grave is located on the moon. The only good thing "Man" did was invent touching, furthermore after this invention appeared on many low-brow primetime TV shows and failed in his attempt to be awesome.

"Man" killed himself on the ?th of the ?th, ????. RIP.

Practicing in the art of Touching[edit]

There are many people that are masters in the art of touching. They practice for hours every day on touching things, and as a result, can now touch better than normal people.

Some of the finest touchers include Arthur J. Harnut, Jubious Leetgrower, Harnut J. Arthur, Micheal Jackson, Karnoob M. Stoopnuts, New Zealanders and, the master of touching, Kunhun. Kunhun holds the world record for touching at 87906.8 peanut butter jars per minute. Kunhun says "I practiced every day for thirteen hours, as a result I had thirty-one finger and palm reconstructions, and don't have an education."

See also, Kunhun, the master of touch.

The Church of Touching[edit]

The Church of Touching is a touchy church. Its priests are usually short tempered and very angry. This is because when they were very young they lost their foreskins, which was a painful operation performed by the local barber. I remember mine. I was six years old, a little old for foreskin removal but my father , being absent minded , forgot about it until one day, my uncle seeing me running naked with the other children of the small village of Amass, realised my parents oversight. He took me to the barber, who was busy shaving the head of my mother's favourite eunuch. Eunuchs’ needed to be shaven constantly so their hair would not be found in the soup. And in the particular case of my mother's eunuch, on the cushions of my parents’ bed. I sat on the floor, patiently waiting my turn. When Lagash- the name of this particular eunuch, as he came from the village of Lagash- had finished all his hair, it was my turn. I will not go through the gory details of what happened and the pain that I felt afterwards in my still tiny member, but I can say that now I was ready to be a priest of the Church of Touching To be continued --The Southpro 12:01, 16 May 2009 (UTC)

The Correct Touching Method[edit]

Many people misunderstand the method of correct touching, there are many misconceptions of the way touching is performed... Yes, I am aware that those two phrases meant the exaxt same thing, but that doesn't matter, the point is that people often mistake the correct way of the touch... Oh god I did it again!

Anyway, the undisputed correct way to perform touching is to use your finger or other part of body that has the sense of feeeeling, (Preferably not any of the the sexual organs) and place it on the object that you want to touch. If you cannot feel anything, you have either missed the object, chosen a part of the body that does not feeeel, eg. hair, or have tryed to touch the untouchable.

Why People Practice Touching[edit]

People practice touching because they are unbeleivably and utterly mental.

If you are one of the mad people (Mad as in crazy mad, not mad as in "Aw, fully sick I'm mad bro!") that do this piece of carp for a living, you can touch my ass... Hey, that actually feels pretty good... Do it again.

Nice.

Hey, that went in!

The Midas Touch[edit]

The Midas Touch... bee.

The Midas Touch is a form of Free-Range Bee that has nothing to do with touching but got into the Touching page. I'm sure that somebody has touched one before... probably.

Kunhun, the master of touch[edit]

Kunhun is commonly referred to as "The Master of Touch". He is one of the greatest touchers of all time and is rumoured to have touched the untouchable. Not much is known about The Master of Touch except that he is better at touching things than you. Because you suck.

Here is a list of great achievements of Kunhun, The Master of Touch:

Once touched 5000 empty oil drums with his toung on Guinness World Records
Once touched himself everywhere possible before Elton John could say "Saturday" a million times.
Is great.
Touched where no man has touched before.
Was called by WHO? Magazine "The Master of the Most Un-Good Thing Ever"
Is Bat Fuck Insane.
Fully touched your mother.
Once touched the Un-huffable Kitten...

How You Can Become A Professional Toucher[edit]

There are many ways to become a professional toucher, just like Kunhun. That's right, you can be a fucking mental person too.

Go to the Official Touching Website
Ask your mother for advice
Ask your father for advice
Go to the nearest plastic surgeon to get your touching radius enlarged
Go to your nearest YMCA
Touch a moose
Yust keep practicing kids, every day til' you die and nobody will remember you because you picked a stupid profession like touching.

And just remember, you're useless!