HowTo:Join ISKCON
ISKCON is occult a cult. It's a brand of Hinduism primarily imposed on gay-renegade Jews in America during the 1960s counter-kosher revolution. The sect boasts epistemological roots with stretch-marks all the way back to India - a hectic land of super-bugs, dysentery, religious riots, snake charmers, haggling, corruption, super-corruption, and even a guy who can climb up a rope tied to the air. Iskcon's stoic votaries are seen to awkwardly imitate 14th century Bengali villagers transposed into the 21st century as they boldly proclaim singular devotion to the supreme being by creating an organized public disturbance. In spite of not being THE Illuminati, Iskcon are the self-chosen ones who are ultimately destined to rule the human race - or something.
To advance their globalist agenda Iskcon followers employ specialized methods to separate non-Iskcon people ("the demons") from their money, which rightfully belongs to the Federal Reserve, who created money from thin air ostensibly for the benefit of Iskcon, not the global elite. Money-collecting schemes include public book distribution and extracting "sin taxes" from guilt-ridden East-Indians who are wallowing in the West. Iskcon accumulates loot for their leadership, viz., the Governing Booty Commission (GBC), to continue their new Old World Order and attract more young acolytes to replace older, disgruntled ones.
|
HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos |
The three goals of Iskcon
- ISKCON’s stated goals are three-fold:
- Building the world's largest temple as proof of ultimate spiritual superiority;
- Defeating its Indian mother faith, the Gaudiya Math, in a one-sided race to material superiority;
- Creating a old New World Order with themselves in charge ultimately leading to a well-deserved superiority complex.
History of Iskcon
ISKCON (pro. iskcon) was originally founded over 3000 BC by God. Not Allah! Not Jesus! Not the Void! Not Moses! Not Mahatma Gandhi! And not Eric Clapton. This was way before them. 5000 years ago God was Lord Harold the 8th. Around the turn of the Yuga Lord Harold got a tad bored and decided to create a little ISKCON in the material world, just for a laugh.
It took Him a long-time to get it registered in the material world. In fact, it took 5000 years to get Iskcon together. Not until the 20th Century did Lord Harold appear in America and set up Iskcon. The cult grew very quickly in the "Swinging Sixties", because lots of displaced Jews, surfers, pot-heads, junkies, shell-shocked Vietnam vets, sex-fiends, tri-sexuals, bi-sexuals, i-sexuals, pedophiles, musicians, crooks, dope-dealers, murderers, hippies, taxi-drivers, egomaniacs, no-egomaniacs, masochists, sadists, and Peace Corp members joined, and the enterprise just grew and grew, until it covered every corner of the globe, from Baltimore to Cocomo.
For over ten years Lord Harold was spreading Iskcon by taking airplanes around-and-around the world - in spite of the fact - being all-powerful - He could avoid traveling by simply manifesting Himself where-ever He wished to appear. This was because, as part of His being all-knowing, He's also a certified Airline Pilot and loves to fly. Then, in 1977, after circling the globe 80 times, Lord Harold disappeared at the hands of His own beloved followers, although this allegation is vehemently denied[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]. Because Lord Harold is all-knowing His death was deemed assisted-suicide rather than culpable-homicide.
After He disappeared, all His approximately 5000 initiated followers started to quarrel over who would be the new Lord Harold, and this continues unabated for eternity, or until Lord Harold gets tired of it, which ever comes first.
Philosophy of Iskcon
The Philosophy of Iskcon is quite simply, "unthinkable simultaneous difference and non-difference between everything and nothing so that the only plausible conclusion is Lord Harold VIII, and, by extension, Iskcon". Below, this simple philosophy is nicely explained to a 3rd grade school class in New Mexico...
Class: "Crash! Pow! Ratatatat! Hey! #@%&(*$!!!"
Teacher: "OK class lets all quiet down, because I'm going to let you in on an ancient Hindu secret."
Class: "Crash! Pow! Ratatatat! Hey! #@%&(*$!!!"
Teacher: "Good! Now pay careful attention to this, Iskcon philosophy, which holds that every living and non-living thing and every non-thing is related and simultaneously unrelated to everything and any-non-thing always and never - and this philosophy has been declared as unthinkable by it's creators, which comes in handy when it's time to make sense, because every scientist and theologician can easily understand 'unthinkable'. Now! Did you ALL understand that?"
Class: "Crash! Pow! Ratatatat! Hey! #@%&(*$!!!"
Four values of Iskcon
- More humble than pie.
- More patient than Sloth.
- Loath one's self.
- Adore all others.
Four rules of Iskcon
To become a member of Iskcon you MUST follow 4 rules:
- Thou shalt not eat (NO food).
- Thou shalt not drink (NO water).
- Thou shalt not shag (NO kids).
- Thou shalt not bet (NO chance).
The 10,000 Year Iskcon Law Books
As soon as ISKCON gains total control of the material world, it will replace Earth's statute books with its own 10,000 Year Law Books.
Iskcon Jargon
With Lord Harold VIII out of the way, ISKCON quickly grew into a bunch of competing personality cults. And a language was devised, whereby everything is abbreviated. Following are a few examples of Iskcon Jargon:
- PAMHO: In New York this means a friendly "fuck you!" But in California it means, "Dude!" In India it has no meaning.
- PRABHU: Boss
- AGTSP: Hallelujah!
- BLOOP: Lose interest! (fall down).
- FRIED: Get burned out! (escape).
- PICK: Collect money from people by any means.
- ETERNAL: The period between when time ends and begins.
- LAKSHMI-POINT: One unit of currency, such as in the USA a Lakshmi Point would = $1.
- OFFENSIVE: Refusing to marry some fat Indian bitch, or refusing to divorce some hot babe.
- FRINGIE: Interested uninitiated groupies (assholes who just won't quite put-out).
- CHANGING-UP: Short-changing as a policy.
- SAUCE: Giving people a hard time by being a rude and ill-tempered arse-hole.
- DEMON: Non-Iskcon creatures.
- MEGA-MANTRA: It's a gazillion years old secret. But it won't remain a secret if the right palms are oiled. The mantra, once acquired, is easy to install. But the Registration Code is hard to come by.
Example of Iskcon-speak
| “ | PAMHO PRABHU! AGTSP! I was PICKING from KARMI DEMONS and saw a FRINGIE who got FRIED and BLOOPED. So I gave him the SAUCE! | ” |
Iskcon Membership
How to join Iskcon
Just look up your nearest Iskcon temple, go over there, surrender, give them ALL your money, promise to follow 4 rules and chant the name of Lord Harold eternally. After that, prove your commitment by disowning your family, who are all demons. Then shut up and do what you’re told, from mopping the floor to putting-out. Keep this up between eternity and you may be qualified to join the GBC – provided you haven’t broken even one of the rules. The stated goal of Iskcon is their own version of NWO - The planet to become the United States of Iskcon (USI).
Iskcon Member Activities
Apart from holding three parties a day with no sex, drugs, or rock-'n-roll, Iskcon members generally live the following life style:
- Strictly avoid any non-Iskcon persons (the demons).
- Dress and live 14th Century Bengali style.
- Create organized public disturbances.
- Argue - party, argue - party, argue - party (repeat daily).
- Preach to demons like their parents.
- Sing Lord Harold carols.
- Sell Iskcon books to non-Iskcon people.
- Build the biggest temple in the Universe.
Iskcon GBC
The “Governing Booty Commission” controls ISKCON. The GBC is made up of 30 mini-magnets who know they’re superior to everyone else, in spite of their knowing next to nothing besides that eternal fact. They meet once a year near Heavenly Calcutta and perform the following activities:
GBC Activities
- Play musical chairs.
- Pass Laws on Philosophy, such as what is the "basis for the basis", what is the "Origin of the Origin" and "How eternal is eternal?"
- Dispute disputed disputes.
- Up-date the “Black List.”
- Down-date the "White List."
- Count all the Booty.
- Plan how to take over the Solar System.
- Decide on who else gets to play Lord Harold.
How to Become an Iskcon GBC
Note: Becoming elected to the Governing Booty Commission is like getting a Feature Article on Uncyclopedia (it takes forever and only lasts one day), but with the GBC as the VFH. Only the GBC gets to be Lord Harold VIII, ever!
Iskcon Scriptures
Although Iskcon fanatics occasionally read their own books, they mostly study The Iskcon Scriptures, which, combined, constitute the sum of substance. Though numerous, the following are primary:
- Winning Through Intimidation by Robert J. Ringer
- Lonely Planet Guide to India by Lonely Planet
- Translation of Mein Kampf into Sanskrit by Adolf Hitler
- The Hip-opanishad: "Song of God" by Lord Harold VIII
- Posthumous Auto-biography of a Yogi by Yogi Berra
- Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill
- Hindu Jihad by Subhas Chandra Bose
- Violence We Can Believe In by Mahatma Gandhi
- Turn Your Religion Into A Tax Haven by Rev. Jesse Jackson
And many others far too numerous to list. But amongst them all is The Song Of God.
The Song of God
“You kill em all, I'll sort em out!”
This song has Lord Harold mixed up in an argument between five good brothers, who moronically gambled away their wife and wealth, v/s one-hundred evil cousins, who tricked them fair-n-square, all ready to fight over ownership of a “point of a needle of dirt”. Before the battle began Lord Harold laid a radical rap-song on his friend, Juna.
This Song of God translation is preceded with an introduction by retired Banzai Pipeline surfing master, Jerry Lopez:
Introduction by Jerry Lopez
About a-gazillion years ago, there was this radical prince dude named Juna. Even he never surfed Pipeline or Jaws, still he got this big kahuna reputation coz he could shoot the eye of a fish, which is a lot smaller than the eye of a wave, man.
He was a mate with his bud, Lord Harold, a former cowherd-turned-playboy-turned-political advisor, who's, like, mega-cool and actually, at least GOD! Harold was such a bummer on the "man" that He was locked-up even before birth, resulting in His being born in the can. But He immediately busted-out and wasted the ass-hole king, who was his uncle, or somethin'. And He earned his 007 title, which He just friggin' loved - it was the perfect deal: Lord Harold was eternally invincible but He could kill anyone with a mere thought. Awesome! Later Harold got older so He lived on the beach and spent most of His later-life surfing with Juna. Harold used a 'Phil Edwards' 9.6 Classic. Which is pretty bitchin' considerin' that came 5000 years later. But, whatever.
Everything was totally cool until Juna and his non-surfing kook bros, the Pandas, got ripped-off by those dirt-bag Kurus, who were sons of that old blind king dude, who was kinda Juna's uncle 'cause of some family BS. Anyway, these Kuru cats were headed by jerk-in-chief named Duryo - who's like a friggin' greaser! Shit! Dude's probably never even SEEN the ocean. So this all leads up to a mega rumble. Like a Vedic "West Side Story" or East Side Story, but here the Sharks and the Jets are the Kurus - BAD GUYS, and the Pandas, Juna's gang - GOOD GUYS. And they're gonna have this gnarly gang-fight over ownership of a "point-of-a-needle of earth." The way I figure, since Harold was cool enough that He was a surfer and lived on the beach, so it was probably a "grain of sand" instead of some inland 'kook' dirt.
Just before they start to seriously kick some ass, Juna hits up Harold to drive his ride over to go check out the scene. Man, everywhere he looked it was, like, all some kinda family ties. So Juna got bummed! He told Harold, "Screw this, Man! I quit!"
Harold's like, "Dude!?!"
But Juna is seriously zoned and feeling bummed-out. He figures it's better off if he splits to the Himalayas and lives in a cave, like Bin Laden and his sidekick, the peg-legged doctor named Jihad.
Finally Juna is, like, totally out-of-it, and he looks at Harold and says, "Dude, it's YOUR call!"
So Harold kinda grins, "Man, you're really on-the-rag! I'm listening to you spout off all this chicken-sh*t pacifistic crap - like you're a twink or something. I thought you had some balls!"
Juna's like, "Jeez! I already said it was 'Your call' - so like, what's it gonna be? War or Peace?"
Before Harold answered the question, He and Juna had the far-out conversation, in which Harold declares that He's not just some chariot driver, but HE himself is God - which is a pretty cool deal for Juna's gang - and to help Juna understand Harold gave a few mundane examples of His glories.
The Song
"Raso-aham-apsu.." - "I am the taste of water, …among animals I'm the lion, among birds I'm the eagle, among fish I'm the shark.
"Among rock bands I'm the Beatles, Among bad guys I'm Hitler, among fashion models I'm Twiggy, and among CTU agents I'm Chloe O’brian,
"Among guns I'm the bazooka, among fire-crackers I'm the H-bomb, among great actors I'm Al Pacino, and among corny actors I'm Chuck Norris,
"Among aging babes I'm Bridget Bardot, among left-wing commie pinko traitors I'm Jane Fonda, among fast food restaurants I'm KFC, and among things to avoid like the plague I'm the plague,
"Among bridges up-for-sale I'm the Brooklyn Bridge, among golf players I'm the son of Tiger Woods' Dad, among spiders I'm the Funnel Spider, and among things that are NOT 'Cool Aid' I'm Agent Orange,
"Among smart directors I'm Tobe Hooper, Among wise-ass Vulcans I'm Spock, among lousy rock bands I'm the Move, and among radical guitar players I'm Jimi Hendrix,
"Among bimbos I'm Brittany Spears, among playing cards I'm the Ace, among Motorcycles I'm Triumph, and among brave soldiers I'm Audie Murphy,
"Among jokers I'm Cheech & Chong, among tenors I'm Mario Lanza, among jerks I'm Lyndon Johnson, and among wackos I'm Charles Manson,
"Among big monkeys I'm King Kong, among Mexican knives I'm the switch blade, among Italian knives I'm the stilletto, and among Ugandan knives I'm the machete,
"Among African-Americans I'm Rochester, among dick-heads to work for I'm Jack Benny, among non-lying Presidents I'm, I'm, (ah, lets pass on this), and among bystanders I'm Jack Ruby,
"Among monumental screw-ups I'm the partition of India into Pakistan, among airplanes I'm 'Air Force One', among racist groups I'm the Klu Klux Klan, and as proof of a Masonic-Templar-Illuminati conspiracy I'm the $1 bill,
"Among famous movie lines I'm: "Play it again, Sam!", among horny bastards I'm a freakin' Mormon, among good jokes I'm the Polish Coyote, and among bad jokes I'm the "knock knock" joke,
"Among loud rock bands I'm Spinal Tap, among loud amp volumes I'm 11, among wild guitar players I'm Angus Young, and among Vegas has-beens I'm Tom Jones,
"Among winners I'm the slot machine, among soft drinks I'm Cream Soda, among clean-cut gorillas I'm Tarzan, and of sick museums I'm the Cambodia 'Killing Fields' Memorial,
"Among Scientologists I'm Tom Cruise, among false prophets I'm Jim Jones, among hipster cops I'm Sonny Crockett, and among absurd inventions I'm the pogo stick,
"Among Years I'm the leap year, among obnoxious surfers I'm Mickey Dora, among guilty SOBs I'm OJ Simpson, and among bad movies I'm Chuck Norris's MIA,
"Among shit-out-of-luck ships I'm the Titanic, among those you don't want to piss off I'm Tony Jaa, among bad choices for a cell mate I'm A-Team's Mr. T, and among sources off the truth I'm Uncyclopedia,
"Among disgraced comebacks I'm Pee Wee Herman, among heavyweight boxing champions I'm Rocky (Marciano), among nut-case big wave surfers I'm "Double D" (Darrick Doerner), among great fights I'm Leonard v/s Hearns, and among lousy fights I'm Leonard v/s Roberto Duran,
"Among dancers I'm Chubby Checker, among successful preposterous-nonsense books I'm Harry Potter, among radical surf spots I'm Jaws, and among COOL songs I'm "Shapes of Things" by The Yardbirds,
"Among attacks I'm D-Day, among great tastes I'm yummy Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup, among lawyers I'm Ken Starr, and among mistakes I'm the Vietnam War,
"Among dead-as-a-doornail-chicks I'm Lady Di, among things to avoid I'm an Ice Berg, among things not to give your kids to play with I'm plutonium, and among great cartoonists I'm Don Martin,
"Among aliens I'm THE Alien, among monsters worse than the Alien I'm Ripley, among baby-boomers I'm Tim Leary, and among gnarly massacres I'm Mai lai,
"Among good reasons NOT to get born rich I'm J Paul Getty Jr., among dirt-bag generals I'm William Westmoreland, among all pains in the neck I'm Elliot Ness, and among sexy dudes I'm Zorro,
"Among crooks I'm Robert Vesco, among war mongers I'm Charlie Heston, among mice I'm Mighty Mouse, among Road-Runners I'm Beep Beep, and among jokes I'm the punch-line,
"Among camel-jockies I'm Lawrence of Arabia, among guilty-innocents I'm Phil Spector, among great cowboy movies I'm Broke-back Mountain, among all those in Hell I'm the goddamn Devil, and as the bad-ass of all bad asses I’m Jack Bauer,
"...Suffice it so say I am all this! But if you really want to understand My Supreme Powers and highest glories... Then check out this super-cool Swiss Army Knife!
"Know it for certain that what ever is good and nice in the world is but a reflection of My glories! And of what is bad and nasty in this world, well, you can blame that geek in N. Korea with the funny hair-style!
"So understand, Dude? Now pick up your piece and go massacre your family members to gain political control of a grain of sand."
Lopez Purport
Up until this point in Harold’s story He's already killed just about more people than freakin' Hitler, which sure beats gettin' nailed to a friggin cross. So it's pretty unlikely that Harold’s gonna say, like, "Make love not war!" Daa!!! It doesn't take, like, a rocket surgeon to figure that one out. Still, there's probably some commie pinko knee jerk liberal that thinks Harold should pretend like he's Mahatma Gandhi or something. Little did they know that the damn Muslims were gonna end up worse than the "reds". I mean, even that funny-haired dude in North Korea or North Shore, or wherever, like, even he's better than a freakin' terrorist. Good thing too, coz he's gotta few nukes hangin' out.
Iskcon Splinter Cults
Over the years, the fanatics who joined Lord Harold have split into many separate opposing factions and they all cite Him in support of their different viewpoints. However, the official position of the GBC is that Lord Harold has already uttered every possible combination of English words; there is nothing He didn't say. So they are all operating with His endorsement.
Iskcon Math v/s Gaudiya Math
Iskcon is also a type of Mathematics (ISKCON MATH) that postulates that however many times you add nine to nine it still eternally comes to 1. The Gaudiya system of Mathematics (GAUDIYA MATH) is a simpler form of numerology which postulates that however many times you add nine to nine it still comes to 9. These two conflicting/similar forms of Math are only enemies because Lord Harold VIII said so / didn't say so. But according to GBC resolution number 938,577-bs the real answer IS however many times you add nine to nine it still comes to 30 GBC.
Root Formula Difference
- Basics of Gaudiya Math:
- Basics of Iskcon Math:
Yo Mama Organization
| Featured HowTo: Article
|
Featured on the 11th of September 2010 |
This HowTo has been featured on the HowTo: namespace. Want to know HowTo get your own HowTo featured? Just write something good.
| |