HowTo:Fry an egg
Frying an egg is the simplest thing you could ever do. Frying an egg is as simple as eating an egg. Any human being, if given an egg and a pan, would manage to fry it (the egg, not the frying pan - that is). It is so easy that I bet you that toddler over there will be able to do this. Yes, that one, who thinks his mother can’t see him when his eyes are closed.
I would certainly bet on that if I had money.
I don’t know what could be less complicated than frying an egg. Boiling an egg, perhaps? No, that would require the knowledge about how much time the egg needs to be boiled and do you know that? Me neither. That’s why we are frying it.
What you need
Remember! A question always contains at least half of the answer. In our case, that ratio is even more impressive - it contains the whole answer. You asked: “How do you fry an egg?” Well, it is enough to delete the first two words and you’ll get it: “You fry an egg” (without the question mark, though).
The word ‘fry’ implies having a frying pan and ‘egg’ implies having an egg to fry. Nothing more, nothing less. You don’t have to know how to analyze classical texts to get this.
Indeed, it is as simple as that. I don’t think there is anything else left to explain here, so I’ll leave you. Goodbye, thank you for coming and hope to see you again!
Oh, of course, if you have some questions, you can ask them.
You would like me to show how I fry an egg?
Sure.
However, I don't think I can, as we don’t have an egg. So sorry, you’ll have to carry on alone!
Oh, you found one. I didn’t know you were carrying an egg in your pocket. But you could have told me earlier! If I knew you had one, I could’ve made this presentation more interesting for you with some demonstrations! Oh, yes, I am going to make a demonstration right now.
Fine.
First step - planning phase
|
HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos |
The most difficult part in frying an egg is identifying the different steps. In fact, the whole procedure seems to be so simple, that you can’t just say “Let’s do this first, and next - that and finally - this”. In addition, the influence of our modern culture is such that we tend to emphasize the ‘entireness’ of the whole process. That is - you don’t ask anyone to take an egg, break it and put it onto a hot frying pan: no, you just say “Please, fry an egg”.
And this is where you are wrong. There are many different methods of frying an egg but for me, the first and the most important step should always be planning all the next stages.
The key is not to rush. Sit down at your table with a pen and some paper (it’s better to have a whole notebook reserved especially for this), and spend at least ten minutes thinking ahead, deciding just how exactly you will proceed and answering some very important questions about the result you would like to achieve.
For instance, ask yourself: “Do I want to eat a fried egg or a very fried egg? What diameter should the yolk have?? Do I want a plain egg or an egg with salt, or maybe even an egg with bacon???”
Such planning should never be underestimated and, as it is your egg, I will leave you alone with it for a few minutes.
Step two - getting all the material
No, I am not leaving you, not at all. On the contrary - see? - I even fetched a pan!
Having a frying pan is almost as important as having an egg. In fact, it is more important. If you have an egg but not a pan, in the end you’ll have an egg. If you have a pan and an egg, in the end you’ll have a fried egg.
We often don’t realize the importance of everyday things, and it’s hard to imagine that we wouldn’t be able to survive without them. And yes, you are right, we should probably get to actually making a fried egg.
Now, what’s your plan? You haven’t made one?? What a shame. I will come back when you are done.
Step three - warming up
No, I wasn't trying to leave you now either. There is a problem with electricity in this kitchen, so I called my friend. He’ll come soon.
There he is. Hi, Bob! Please, excuse his manners, Bill got electrocuted once, when we were trying to repair his broken phone together. He was not listening to me properly, pulled a wrong wire, and now Bob knows everything about electricity. Just saying.
See? It’s fixed. Perfect!
You’ve already made your plan? Let’s see what you wrote:
| “ | ” |
I can’t make out why you crossed it out. It seems perfectly right.
| “ | 1. Take a frying pan and heat it on the kitchen stove. | ” |
Oh, yes, I almost forgot about that, of course you were right - the pan should come in front of the egg. It is so important that I wonder how I haven’t told you this before. There was even a saying in our family: “Don’t put the egg before the pan.”
Our grandfather used to say it to us when we were young children. Now, I would prefer to be electrocuted in the same fashion as Brad than putt an egg in front of a pan. Our grandfather was a bit harsh with our learning, but in the end I can only see positive results!
So yes, it’s good you guessed that yourself. You are a quick learner! Hopefully, my grandfather will be resting happily in his grave, wouldn't yo say?
Meanwhile, I am so impressed with your progress, that I will even let you do the first step yourself. Come on!
Yes, turn the stove on... Yes, a bit more! That’s what I am saying - enough. Right, like this, put the frying pan right onto the middle of that circle... What? I thought you needed help. If you want to do this alone, go for it, fine, I cannot object, goodbye!
You do need help? You know what - I expected this! You should be glad I have a very forgiving nature.
Step four - preparing for the frying process
What else have you written?
| “ | 2. Put some butter on top. | ” |
That’s right. Butter always goes with bread. With egg and bread, that’s what I mean. Egg, butter and bread - the Holy Trinity of egg frying, if you get what I mean. Even if you don't, - and from that look on your face, I infer you don't, - that doesn't really matter.
I wonder why you didn’t put bread here too - we are going to make some toast first! What do you mean by “butter was for something else”? No, it wasn’t. Unless you wanted to make the egg shiny. What do you mean I have to put butter on the pan? You think I do. Well, I would suggest not waiting and frying your egg on your own.
Oh, you are not sure. Well, nobody is sure in this world. I am not sure either. Besides, we don’t have any butter.
Step five - the critical moment
The pan seems hot enough, so maybe we need to put the egg on it. But let’s check first!
AAA!
No! I definitely didn’t put my finger on the burning hot frying pan!! I am not silly enough to touch a pan that is on the stove. No, it’s not red now! It has been red since my birth!! And judging people by their skin colour is not the most respectful thing you can do, especially while frying an egg! Even those who have red skin wouldn't be silly enough to touch that pan!
No, I am not angry, I am just very concentrated, like orange juice. You have to be concentrated on what you are doing to get good results. When I was living in the jungle... Yes, I did live in the jungle once, when I was a kid. And what? No, I changed my mind, I am not going to tell that story. Not even after a “please”. No. Look, we have forgot about frying the egg.
Let me see your list again. Hmmm...
| “ | 3. Break the egg... | ” |
Exactly. That’s what I had in mind. Now let’s break it.
Crack
And how else did you want me to do this? Above the frying pan?? Are you jo- Oh, right, I was testing your knowledge. Certainly you wrote it down:
| “ | 3. Break the egg above the frying pan | ” |
However, writing something is one thing and knowing it by heart is completely different.
If only you could have remembered this earlier, this egg won't be all over my boot. I am sure you brought another one, haven’t you? An egg, not a boot. No? Don’t worry, I’ll scrub it off.
Step six - the egg is being fried
Here it is, we can safely put it on the pan. I am pretty sure it has reached the right temperature by now and I am not going to check it again.
Yes! The only part that’s left is taking the egg off when it is ready, which I can tell without the list.
We can do anything now! We can talk, we can listen to music, we can watch a movie, we can talk about whether Jean-Paul's way of thinking was as different from dear Albert's, as they would like us to think, because guess what? The egg is finally getting fried. And when it is done frying and is fried all over from bottom to top, we can eat it!
I know where it’s been! That’s just that the heat will definitely kill all the bacteria on its surface. You ought to know that because you went to school and studied biology, not me. Oh, that’s a long story. Sure, if you want, I can tell it now.
What are you asking? How will I know when the egg is ready? This is a good question but I have an answer to everything! For example, how do you know that someone baked a cake, when you come home and are at the doorstep? Yes! By the smell. It always smells wonderful when something is baked. Well, the same thing should be with the egg, so we don’t have to worry. Frying an egg is a bit different from baking a cake, but there are certain similarities. Everything has similarities. Actually I noticed it that the world is very similar to an egg. Why? I don’t know, but doesn't it sound clever?
So now, when you are entirely reassured, I can tell my story.
Ah, wait! We forgot about salting it! Too bad, we can eat it without salt, right? Right. That’s what I was thinking.
Now back to the story. When I was a kid and living in the...
What is that strange smell?
Anyway - I know how a fried egg smells, so it cannot be our egg. Let’s continue.
When I was a kid and...
It’s getting more and more persistent. Let’s check. Just in case.
Ah.
Ahem!
I beg your pardon!
A-HEM!
Excuse me!
AAA-HEMMM!
That's a lot of smoke.
Well, in my humble opinion, this worked out perfectly as planned! As you planned - that is. On that positive note, I will have to leave you!
You should understand my situation! How can you expect me to make something out of this egg now? No, I fulfilled my task and from now on you know how to fry eggs just fine!
Just know that the most important mistake you made is that you were rushing while planning ahead. Remember: don’t rush and put the pan before the egg, as my grandfather used to say! Well, good day and hope to see you soon! And maybe you'll even see my grandfather! Oh, and maybe you'll manage next time, in the end, it's not that complicated.
No, it’s not my apartment, it belongs to one of my friends. Yes, Bill! You know him? In that case, would you be so kind as to let him know that I would not advise using the kitchen for the next few hours? Maybe even days? Thank you very much for your company, but I really have to rush now!
Don’t worry about the money - what you gave me before the consultation will be just enough!
 Featured Article (read another featured article)
|
Featured version: 29 March 2014 |
| This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. | |