HowTo:Escape from Hell

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Yep, you're fucked, unless you use this handy little guide.
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So, you're in Hell, are you? Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, now what did you want to go and do that for? You idiot, I told you that you shouldn't have carried on that business with Jenny. I told you it would land you in trouble. But you never listen, do you? Now you're in Hell and I'm sunning myself on the endless beaches of Heaven, drinking a Raffle's Bar Sling and listening to Blind Melon. You know why that is? It's because I did the smart thing and didn't shoot my friend. Thankfully my brain smarts don't stop there, so I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I'm going to teach you how to escape from Hell! Yes, that's right, it's possible, and I'll talk you through the various ways and means of doing it so you can join me up here and be my friend out of gratitude.

Incidentally, how did you get hold of me? Surely they don't give you a mobile down in hell. What? You have to use Vodafone? Oh man, let's get you out of there...

General Rules for Getting out of Hell[edit]

Who needs lakes of fire or forests of razors when you're targeted on how long you spend on the toilet?

Let's go through some ground rules first. Most importantly, if you're going to pull this off, you have to believe you deserve to get out, and you have to believe it with all your heart. I know you killed that guy, and then you really compounded things when you got into that whole rape scene in prison, but you still have to believe that you are a good person at heart if you ever want to stand a chance of escape. Just remember this mantra: "it's society's fault." It's true. It doesn't matter what you did, thanks to our wishy-washy blame-free society there's no crime so big you can't pass the buck onto someone else![1] Murder? Rape? Slavery? Society's to blame, and that conviction, that air of wronged innocence, will get you far in the escape business.

It doesn't hurt to know the place a bit. The people there aren't much fun, especially the health and safety representatives, but they'll be the ones you need to bribe, flatter, fool and kill in order to carry out your plan. Start with the little demon chaps with the pitchforks. They've become largely redundant since the "redesign" of hell[2] so they're a bit bitter and in need of someone to talk to. Try and get to know your fellow lost & damned as well. They might be able to share tips, or give you a bit of knowledge that may come in handy. At the very least you'll have someone to bitch to next time Satan sends round a "performance uplift memo."

Knowing the terrain is less useful. As Hell is spatially infinite it's impossible to really know the lay of the land, and undertaking the task would be a waste of both your time and mine. Got that? Seriously, don't even think about it, or I'm abandoning this whole thing right now. Ok? Good.

Having said that, you'll probably need to find out where the exit is.

Method One: Sneaking Out[edit]

An intrepid cursed soul steals a remote control to sell to the slovenly couch potatoes in Hell's third circle.

This is in some ways the riskiest of all possible escape methods, but in other ways it's also the safest. It's risky because it relies almost purely on your physical sneaking skills, but it's also safer because you don't have to rely on anyone else and worry about them fucking it up. Yes, you might find this a bit confusing, but just leave it to me to do the thinking. You concentrate on escaping.

The basic rule here is not to get seen by anyone. Sounds simple, right? Well, given your general ineptitude I wouldn't be so sure, but let's roll with it. Stick to the shadows, travel only by night, and watch out for the Crebain that bastard Saruman keeps sending out. Take some tips from this guy, and if you can find Harry Potter, feel free to mug him for his invisibility cloak. The bastard deserves it after what he did...[3]

Once you've found your way past Hell's guards, you should be in a position to make a break for it. Just remember that the doors are guarded by The Doors, so move fast if you don't want to be subjected to Jim Morrison's godawful excuses for poetry.

Potential Pitfalls[edit]

If you get seen, you're screwed. You can't talk your way out of this one. Satan is going to want words with you, my friend, and it's going to be hard to concentrate on escaping when you have the twelve-inch icy pecker of the dark lord finding new orifices in your bloody flesh. In other words: don't get fucking caught.

Method Two: Bribery[edit]


Don't try and bribe Satan. He doesn't take kindly to such things.

Ahh, the paper exit, tried and true. Except it's not really a paper exit because the currency of Hell is cigarettes, vodka and pirated Friends DVDs. On the plus side, you can laugh your ass off at the rich people arriving and howling in frustration when they find their riches are useless [4], but the negative side is it makes bribery more complex. It's not hard to get the items you require, since mugging and five-finger discounting are required daily by Hell's laws, but holding onto them might be a problem because, let's face it, you're a bit pathetic with your skinny little Q-tip arms and anything you steal is going to be "reclaimed" by someone much, much harder than you.

If you do somehow manage to keep hold of your ill-gotten goods, then you need to know who to bribe. This is a delicate operation. If you go up to any Johnny or Sally and offer them a bribe to escape from hell then you'll find yourself in Lucifer's bedchamber shackled to the walls. Or possibly in the complaints department, whichever. If you can bribe the right people, however, you might find the exit to Hell left unguarded at just the right time. If you can pull this off then all you need to do is make light with your feet and run, but do be careful of the Balrog, because he will eat your face right off.[5]

Method Three: Start a Protest[edit]

Don't start this kind of protest, though. This kind of protest is what got you sent to Hell in the first place.

Your mother always said it won't get better if you picket. Given your situation, though, I'd ask some serious questions about how well your mother raised you and how wise it is to continue listening to her advice. Probably best that you killed her, really, she's certainly having a good time up here in heaven.

Starting a protest is a pretty unconventional way of escaping from Hell, but it does have some advantages. For starters you'll have the power of numbers on your side. The objective, of course, isn't to actually create social change in Hell, but to create a diversion where you can sneak out. Start by spreading whispers of discontent around Hell's workers, examples of this could be "hey, you know the bonus scheme here is capped?" or "there's no guarantee of time off for public holidays, not even Christmas," or even "you realise you're getting tortured here when all you did was steal a cookie[6]?" If you can get the citizens of Hell questioning their lot then you can sow the seads of rebellion. This is the perfect way to create a diversion that allows you to escape, as everyone in Hell will be too busy arguing over the merits of regime change to bother you.

Once you've stirred up enough anti-Satan sentiment you're ready to lead the rebellion. Well, you won't actually lead it yourself, since you'll be busy escaping, but you can always find some guy who looks good shouting slogans to do it for you. Make sure he has an amazing beard, and listens to Rage Against the Machine, then simply ask him "what would Che do?" You can bet your last silver that the answer won't be "take a leading role in a repressive Stalinist regime that locked up homosexuals, dissident journalists and trade unionists." No, it'll be "he fought for freedom!" Then, once things are in motion, and Satan's shock troops are busy whooping ass, you can simply head up to the exit and catch some fresh air.[7]

Method Four: Being so Good they Kick you Out[edit]

This is a tricky one, as you'll need to put aside your base desire to rape, kill and sell children in pursuit of getting away from your current situation. In fact, you'll have to give up anything remotely naughty completely, down to and including your habit of picking your nose and sticking the results to the nearest available surface. Instead you'll have to assume an air of impossibly smug niceness, and spend all your time being good, not being selfish, and never losing your temper under any circumstances. You'll need to practice your facial expressions as well; for reference I suggest watching George W. Bush for an example of someone looking incredibly well-meaning despite their evil past, for secretly entirely selfish reasons.

There are numerous sayings you can adopt to aid yourself in this approach. A tried and tested one is "it's okay, everyone makes mistakes." Use this whenever someone tries to piss you off, and you'll soon find everyone getting frustrated with your smug, do-gooder, pussy-ass attitude towards life. At this point they may decide to kick the piss out of you, but just grin and bear it. Eventually they'll grow fed up of your constant smiling and promises to "forgive them," and simply chuck you out.

Method Five: Wait for the Zombie Apocalypse[edit]

This is one way of escaping from Hell, but it's pretty piss-poor compared to the others.

This is the safest method, but also the most time-consuming. It could be decades or even centuries before it becomes a viable option. Once Hell is full, however, it has been proven in science that the earth will spit out the dead, and they will come back to feast on the flesh of the living. The plus side is you'll come back, and be free to walk the earth once again. The downside of this is that you'll come back as (at best) a decaying, shambling corpse.

I would not, personally, suggest this method, but it's always a good fallback plan if you're too inept to escape from Hell any other way.

Method Six: Duel Satan to the Death[edit]

I would not recommend this approach. Not even if you get desperate.

Method Seven: Call of Duty Black Ops[edit]

Follow Reznov's steps for escaping Vorkuta. This is probably the best method because it is garunteed to work in real life since it worked in Call of Duty Black Ops.

1.Secure the keys. (Obtain the keys from killing the guard with a random rock you find on the ground)

2.Ascend from darkness. (Take the elevator to get to the surface).

3.Rain fire. (Use the slingshot to destroy the guard towers)

4.Unleash the horde. (Rally the prisoners with the broadcast system in Vorkuta).

5.Skewer the winged beast. (Shoot down the helicopter).

6.Wield a fist of iron. (Acquire the Death Machine).

7.Raise Hell. (Storm the prison guards).

8.Freedom. (Escape the prison)

Method Eight:Occupy Hell[edit]

Start a Occupy Wall Street Protest in Hell. Satan is the 1% and the rest of you are the 99%. If this attempt fails(which it most likley will), method six will occur which would be very bad.

What to do Once You've Escaped[edit]

Hmm, not sure I can help you with this one. It's your life, after all. I suppose you could take up knitting, or drugs, or spend some time working for charity to make up for your horrible deeds. You could find yourself a new girlfriend[8] or start a band. I suppose you could even try and get into Heaven with me, but I don't think I'm going to have much time to hang round with you, so you'll be on your own. The main point, though, is that you're out, and you're once again free. You could write your memoirs, I suppose, or join other spawn of Hell in presenting talk-show TV, but whatever you do don't go giving away the secrets I've just shared with you.

Anyway, you've escaped, and your time is now your own. Was that so hard? I will offer a word of advice, though. Next time, for your own sake, if you absolutely must bum children, try and do it somewhere other than the Vatican, alright?

Undone things must be done in order for it to be done because if it will not be done, it will remain undone.

But, all in all you made it to heaven. That's quite the accomplishment. (BTW those dirty perverted priests are or should be rotting in hell).

See Also[edit]


  1. Unless you're the bastard who ruined the Terminator series. Justice will be coming for you.
  2. Fire and brimstone have recently been replaced with compulsory employment in telesales and that Banana Phone song on endless repeat.
  3. He was your own son, Harry! How could you and Ginny have fallen so far?
  4. This was even more fun in the days of ancient Egypt.
  5. The key to defeating the Balrog is to shout "look over there! She's naked!" and run like a motherfucker.
  6. Cookie theft has been identified as against the word of Jesus and the most heinous crime known to humanity.
  7. If you don't know where the exit is, re-read section one: "general rules." And slap yourself.
  8. Try not to kill this one's new man when she inevitably leaves you.