HowTo:Draw female breasts

A remedial 18th century breast drawing class. No women allowed in the class with clothes on.

CAUTION: This method of drawing female breasts is potentially dangerous, because it requires the use of sharp objects.

The easiest way to draw female breasts is to place a sheet of tracing paper over a photograph or illustration of female breasts. A magazine like Playboy can provide the original. If this technique is employed, the “artist” should remember to draw what he (or she) sees, not what he (or she) thinks he (or she) sees, as there is often a big difference between the two.

Shape and Size

It is also helpful to remember that female breasts, in their prime, are generally spherical or globular and range in size from mosquito bites to basketballs or the oh so crazy size of WhathefuckImplantedThat. As a rule, the bigger the breasts, the better, so an "artist” shouldn’t trace anything under the size of a 36C, if you do, the Boob Gods will surely kill you. If the “artist” doesn’t know what a 36C is, he (or she) shouldn’t be drawing breasts in the first place. fuck-a fuck-a fuck me

Color

If the “artist” uses crayons to color the breasts, these colors are recommended:

• White= pooter; bronze, orange for shadows
• Mongoloid = reddish-brown; gold, yellow for lighting
• African = tan, brown, burnt umber, or black; white for contour

Other Methods of Illustrating Breasts

If tracing paper, a Playboy, or both are unavailable, it may be difficult, or even impossible, to trace a pair of female breasts. In this case, the “artist” must resort to other methods of illustrating his (or her) subject matter.

Protractor

CAUTION: This method of drawing female breasts is potentially dangerous, because it requires the use of sharp objects. It is recommended that, for “artists” under 12 years of age, an adult should be present to supervise the execution of this procedure.

Breasts drawn with a protractor and colored (incorrectly) with burnt sienna crayon

Since female breasts are generally round, in their prime, at least, the “artist” may use a protractor to draw the breasts, using the following steps:

1. Using the fingers of one hand, pick up the protractor. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
2. Using the fingers of the other hand, pick up the pencil. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
3. Insert a pencil into the protractor’s pencil holder. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
4. Depress the clamp on the side of the pencil holder to secure the pencil in place. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
5. Place the protractor’s point in the center of what will become the breast. (Note: the Tittie is off-center, to the right, of the breast, not at its dead center.) (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
6. Holding the point firmly in place (but not so firmly that you perforate or tear drawing surface) with one hand, use the other hand to rotate the pencil around the stationary protractor’s point, clockwise for blondes or counterclockwise for brunettes and redheads, until a circle is completely joined. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
7. Repeat Steps 5 and 6 to draw the other breast. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
8. Set the protractor aside. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
9. Locate the center of one breast (circle). To accomplish this purpose, draw an “X” across the circle. The intersection of the two lines that comprise the “X” represents the center of the circle. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
10. Repeat Step 9 to locate the center of the other breast. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
11. Locate the center of each nipple. CAUTION: Do NOT draw either nipple at the center of the breast! Instead, draw the nipple off center, a little to the right of the point that marks the center of the breast. The placement of the nipple is a matter of artistic judgment, but it should not be, for representational art projects, at least, a matter of artistic license. The nipples should be located in a realistic fashion, not arbitrarily. If the “artist” lacks sufficient knowledge of female anatomy, it is recommended that he (or she) consult his (or her) mother, sister, or, where one is available, girlfriend for guidance as to nipple placement or, if such human resources are unavailable, that he (or she) consult a Playboy or a back issue of The National Geographic.
12. Use a pencil to mark the location of the center of the nipple (again, NOT the center of the breast). (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)

The natural look.

1. Place the protractor’s point on the mark that represents the center of the nipple. Repeat Steps 5 and 6 to draw the first. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
2. Repeat Step 13 to draw the other nipple. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
3. Each nipple must be surrounded by an areola. If you do not know what an areola is, you should not be drawing breasts. To draw the areola, repeat Steps 5 and 6 to draw a circle around the circle that represents one of the nipples. This circle should be two to three times the diameter of the nipple, and its center should match the nipple’s center. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
4. Repeat Step 15 to draw the areola around the second nipple. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
5. To add verisimilitude to the drawing of the areola, use an eraser and a pencil to adjust the circles that represent these features so that they are nearly round but not perfectly so. As before, if the “artist” lacks sufficient knowledge of female anatomy, it is recommended that he (or she) consult his (or her) mother, sister, or, where one is available, girlfriend for guidance as to the general appearance of the circumference of the areolas. If such human resources are unavailable, he (or she) may consult a Playboy or a back issue of The National Geographic. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
6. To suggest depth, weight, density, and texture, shade the drawing with a pencil, crayon, chalk, charcoal, or another appropriate medium. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)

Eyeball Method

CAUTION: This method of drawing female breasts is potentially dangerous, because it requires the use of sharp objects.

In the eyeball method, the “artist” dispenses with protractors and other artificial aids, except, perhaps, pencil and paper, and depends upon his (or her) knowledge of female anatomy and general principles of design and composition (i. e. “art”) to draw the breasts.

Nipple placement: it should go without saying, but, for idiots, don‘t forget to erase the guidelines after drawing the breasts

This method may work for professionals, such as women and transsexuals, but men, even if they are accomplished illustrators of everything else, should never employ this method (unless they are drawing caricatures or other visual parodies of the female form).

For idiots who refuse to heed wise counsel, here are the steps for employing the eyeball method:

1. Draw an outline of the female figure or at least a female torso, to include outlines of the breasts. If you don not know who to draw an outline of the female figure or at least a female torso, you should not be drawing female breasts. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
2. Draw a line down the middle of the figure (or torso, for the “artist” who was too lazy to draw an outline of a complete female figure and opted for the torso only). (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
3. At the center of the clavicle (collarbone, for stupid “artists”), draw a line downward and toward the bicep at a 45-degree angle. Locate the center of the nipple on this line. CAUTION: Do NOT draw the nipple or the areola at this point. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
4. The nipples are level with an imaginary line that bisects the biceps. To ensure that the nipple of each breast is level with its counterpart, draw a horizontal line across the breasts that runs through the centers of both nipples, as these centers were determined in Step 4. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
5. Draw the nipple and the areola of one breast by eyeballing their placements along the horizontal line and in relation to their respective centers and to one another. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
6. Repeat Step 5 to draw the other nipple and areola. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
7. To add verisimilitude to the drawing of the areola, use an eraser and a pencil to adjust the circles that represent these features so that they are nearly round but not perfectly so. As before, if the “artist” lacks sufficient knowledge of female anatomy, it is recommended that he (or she) consult his (or her) mother, sister, or, where one is available, girlfriend for guidance as to the general appearance of the circumference of the areolas. If such human resources are unavailable, he (or she) may consult a Playboy or a back issue of The National Geographic. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
8. To suggest depth, weight, density, and texture, shade the drawing with a pencil, crayon, chalk, charcoal, or another appropriate medium. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)

Profile Drawings

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Use the following instructions as to how to draw breasts in profile (from the side, for “artists” who lack sufficient knowledge of female anatomy--and art--to know what this term means or even what difference there may be, if any, between their asses and holes in the ground):

Profile drawings are covered, so to speak, in a separate article

Nature is at odds with herself. No sooner does she cause breasts to "bud" from an adolescent girl's chest than she orders gravity to act upon them. Mostly fatty tissue, they sooner or later succumb to the force that keeps the universe fair and balanced and begin to sag. However, like transsexuals, women can replace their natural, but sagging, boobs breasts with magical technological, or man-made, gravity-defying bosoms, thanks to the "miracle" of plastic surgery (which, paradoxically, almost never includes plastic, saline solution or silicone being the fillers of choice when it comes to the creation of mammary glands).

The three scientific classificiations of women's breasts

In any case, the "artist" should remember that "natural" (i. e. real) breasts are not immune to the effects of gravity. In doing so, he (or she) will not render a drawing of the breasts that looks like the one shown here. Instead, they will depict something more on the order of these breasts.

CAUTION: This method of drawing female breasts is potentially dangerous, because it requires the use of sharp objects.

To draw a breast in profile:

1. Pretend the chick is wearing a triangle around her chest.
2. Using a pencil and the eyeball method, fill in the triangle with what would be fat if the breast was real instead of just a wet dream. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)
3. Using a pencil and the eyeball method, imagine that the nipple is a gumdrop stuck onto the breast and tiled up slightly, like (to mix metaphors) an upturned nose; draw accordingly. (CAUTION: Be careful not to perforate yourself!)