HowTo:Be a pirate

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“Easy. Start a Major League Baseball team and lose 95 games a season.”

~ Baseball viewer on how to become a pirate. And if you're British, I'm not explaining the reference.


So, ye want ta be a pirate, eh? Well, it be more then just talkin funny and wearin' a bird on yer shoulder, yar! Lets be coverin' the most important bits o piracy, so ye may pillage and plunder like a true scallywag.



What do you call a sober pirate? No one knows, there hasn't been one yet

The most important part of piracy! Thar be much for ye to be moosen! Ale, grog, rum, er... well, that all be what ye most likely to find on the high seas. Well, mainly grog, actually. Yer captian usually be taking the good stuff, but thar usually be enough grog! So drink! The more ye drink the more piratey ye become! Rum be the perfect drink for a pirate but is elusive because the other bastards drink it and thar be where the famous pirate saying "Why is the rum always gone?".


After drinkin, fightin' be one o tha most important things o' piracy. Ye must know these simple rules o' piracy fightin'.

Don't get hit by what they be usin! This rule never failed me


A drunk pirate is a happy pirate! So stay drunk.Warning!A sober pirate isn't a pirate but a poser.

Maintain the right drunkedness level. Too drunk and ye pass out and they be doin' bad things to ya in yer sleep. Too little and why even bother be a pirate? Drunkedness improve yar fighting ability. Well it makes it so you don't care if you get hurt. Drunkedness beats sobriety any day a Ninja will be drinking 'ere fancy tea but we be drinking rum! And who gets their ass handed to them?

Guns are for shootin', swords be for swingin'. Thar always be some lubber who don't get this rule. They don't last.

Thar also be a mysterious way of fightin that only true pirates can learn! The second greatest pirate ever to sail the seas, Guybrush Threepwood, be a master of this art; Insult Swordfighting. Ye gotta say something to insult the scurvy dog ye be tryin ta hack apart. If they can’t think of a good come back, ye can jump in and hack the lubber a new blow hole. But if they be quick with the wit and the blade, they be turning your sorry insult on yer self! So stay sharp.

Fortunately for ye sorry lot, I be a master o’ the insults. Here be a few to start ye off. If ye are so insulted ye pass out, too bad! Ye ain’t man enough to be a pirate!


Rehab for pirates is remembering how to walk after a night of grogging.

They: You fight like a dairy farmer

You: How appropriate, you fight like a cow.

They: By myself, today, ten men I have beaten.

You: From the size of your gut, I’d say they were eaten.

Keep in mind that if ye be on the high seas, yer comebacks must rhyme with the insult. I know this be hard on most pirates, as we have limited vocabularies. Yar.

  • Guns- they be useful, but only if ye be sober enough to aim straight. And if ye be a real pirate, that be NEVER!
  • Swords- It be a long piece o' sharpness that ye use to slice at people. Just swing until they not be moving. Always be keepin yer’ blade about ye. Thar always be some scallywag lookin’ for a piece o’ ye. That is, if ye ain’t a lily livered bitch.
  • Grog- It be able to eat through wood, porcelain, flesh, bone, stone, cloth, metal, glass, hair, and people. And since ye be a pirate, it should always be on hand. But the real problem, yar, be whether to drink it or use it as a weapon. 'Tis a piraty dilema.
  • Axe- Another sharp metal-y thing. It also be good for killing them damn cherry trees them cursed ninjas love ta hide in! Yarrr!
  • Yer meaty fists- Go in swingin' if ye got nothing better. But try ta find something metal and sharp if ye can.
  • Grog bottles- Well, it be sharp and it be strong enough to hold grog, so it's probably better then what ye be using now. Just make sure ye drink the grog first before ye break it. Otherwise, see above, ye landlubber.
  • Cannon- Good luck draggin' this around with ye! But if ye can, then it be worth it. The bigger the better. They make big holes in things. What more do ya need?
  • Gun powder- Ay, exploding things be a pirates best friend. This ‘ere powder be used in yer gun, and yer cannon. It also be used for making things into smaller things. And 5/5 pirate crews agree that gun powder be the best lock pick EVER.


Of course, ye need t' sound like a pirate too. After all, if ye talk like a smartie Harvard graduate, ye ain`t a shipmate! Before ye call yersef a seafarin' hearty, memorize these basic pirate phrases:

Ahoy! - This be 'hello'. However, why waste yer time greetin' swabbies when ye ortin' ta be fightin' them?
Aye o' Arrr - "Yes"
Aye aye - A more respectful form o' `aye`, used when addressin' a captain, fer instance. Directly translates t' `yes sir!`
Avast - "Look here, mate!" Used t' get attention.
Landlubber - An insult used to describe a land lover, arrrr.
Shiver me timbers - Originally meant `scary`, as in `that shivers me timbers`, but now can mean almost anythin', me lad.

By knowin' an' usin' these words an' phrases, ye be able t' fit in wi' pirates wi' ease!


Sailing is the most important thing to a pirate, if you dont know the ways of a ship you are a dead pirate. Pirates live on the sea, their ship is their home.



Piracy is a career where barfights count as training. Use this knowledge well.

Ye be needing some supplies, sonny, if ye be going on a crew to sack and loot. Heres what ye be needing the most-

  • A cutlass- Fer stabbin an slashin!
  • Prostheteesees – If ye lost one of yer mitts or a leg, ye be needin a good replacement. Ye won’t look like a lubber if ye got a big hook on the end o’ yer wrist, or a big stake out o’ yer leg. And that stake can also be used fer killin’ vampires. Also, be careful when pickin yer nose with a hook fer a hand!
  • A pet- A monkey or a parrot’ll do ye good. They be funny an what not. The monkey be able ta throw poop, while ye can teach the parrot ta swear. Perfect for a pirate! Mind you them Asian Pirates have tigers and things which be useful for eating your enemies.

Booty an' Pillaging[edit]

The most important thing to a pirate (next to Fightin' and Drinkin') be booty. This can come in many forms. Here be tha main two.

1.Wenches- A preferred form o' currency for pirates. This kind o booty be easy ta get if ye be a manly enough pirate.

2.Plunder- Pieces o’ eight, Spanish doubloons, jewels, pearls, whatever. Some lubbers be burying theirs, ta make sure no one else be usin’ it. They be dumbasses. A real pirate should spend it all on grog or wenches!

Where an’ who ta loot[edit]

So, where ye be getting the filthy lucre? From these bilge rats! Ha!

  • The French- They be bigger pussies then the one’s on yer mother! The only wepon’s they be usin’ is bad wine an’ smellyness. And they be even smellier then yer typical pirate! It be a crime on its own. They can’t fight, but may be trying ta beat ya with their damn breads. Just look like the bad ass pirate ye are and they be pissin their pants and handin over the loot. However, robbing from the French be like stealing candy from a baby- easy, fun, rewarding, but ain’t much for your reputation. An’ that be worth a lot to a pirate. Though the money ye get from it evens things out
  • Spanish Galleons- Ay, these be foes with plenty o’ treasure, in the form o’ them nice doubloons, but they ain't be friendly. So kill em’!
  • The Danish- What, they be a country? They be almost as sad as the French. 'Tis a shame they be what became o' the Vikings.
  • The English- Yarrr, these cursed soppy girlies do nothing but sit around all day long sipping girly tea in their castles ripe for the plucking! Sissies almost like the French but good luck to ye if ye be wantin to raid their castles: them wussies pay for guards(not rum? yet another sad example of landlubber money spendin') that be manning cannons around the castle waiting to blow yer out ta Davy Jones' Locker!


If ye can't be bothered with any of that, try piratin' software. Ye don't get hanged that way.

See also[edit]

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This article is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is probably because you are the type who needed this explained to you. If you still do not find the article funny, that is surely because a joke loses its humor when it is explained. The authors sincerely hope that you will pick up your game and laugh without prompting in the future.