HowTo:Be a backstreet abortionist

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So you want to set up a backstreet abortion clinic? Perhaps you flunked medical school and need cash; perhaps you are an entrepreneur who has spotted a niche market; perhaps you live in Iran where abortion is illegal; or perhaps you're just some guy with a set of forceps that you don't know what to do with. Whatever the reason, with the rise of Jerry Falwell, the time has never been better to set yourself up as an illegal abortionist. This HowTo, drawing from my 30 years of experience in the field of illegal child-killing, is a complete guide to the art of illegal backstreet abortion.

Step 1: Location, Location, Location

Choosing a location is one of the most important choices an illegal abortionist can make. It is estimated that 30% of backstreet abortion clinics fail because of a poorly chosen premises. A good premises should be somewhere out of the way and should have a sturdy table or chair on which to perform the abortions, a drain for blood, a good escape route for when the police come around and a nice quiet place for disposing of dead fetuses. A sink for washing hands and tools is optional.

Working From Home

The cheapest option is to set up your abortion clinic in your own cardboard box. This cuts down on transport costs and means you can sleep in every morning. However, this option also brings with it added risks of getting caught and spending a lengthy time in prison. For this reason, it may be necessary to build a Josef Fritzl-style dungeon to disguise your activities.

The Backstreet Option

A popular option amongst illegal abortionists is the dingy backstreet “clinic”. A small derelict building down a murky alley can be purchased or otherwise procured for this purpose. It is essential that your premises be out of the way – a high street shopfront may not be appropriate.

Traveling

Another popular choice is that of the travelling abortionist. In this case it is not necessary to have any premises of your own. Instead, you will visit the homes of pregnant teenagers and perform the “procedure” there. This option has the advantage that you can disappear quickly when the bleeding won't stop and never be seen again.

Step 2: Marketing

So you've bought your premises and now you want to attract your first customers. Due to the illegal nature of your enterprise it is usually not possible to advertise through normal media such as newspaper, radio and TV advertisements.

The Internet

The Internet communications revolution has brought many benefits to society such as penis enlargement advertisements, child pornography and MySpace. It is also a useful tool for communicating directly with your target market. Consider sending out large volumes of spam emails or using banner ads. Remember when purchasing your domain name to include useful keywords within the name, for example www.abortyourfetus.com, www.deadbaby4u.com or www.doctordeath.co.uk.

Word of Mouth

Traditionally, the premier marketing tool of backstreet abortionists is word of mouth. Try hanging around dingy bars and striking up conversations with random strangers. Inevitably, you will eventually meet someone who has a pregnant daughter to whom you should say (in a hushed and slightly sinister tone) “I know this guy who can fix her right up” and follow it up with a hearty wink. Soon, every father in the neighborhood will have you poking around inside their daughter's uterus.

Step 3: Techniques

So you've bought your premises and your first patient is sitting expectantly in the table or chair. But how exactly are you going to get the little blob of flesh out of her? We will now discuss a number of painful and dangerous techniques that doctors won't teach you in medical school.

The Wire-Coathanger Technique

For this technique you will need: a wire coathanger, some gin (some to ease the pain and a little for you, for Dutch courage) and toilet paper (for the blood). The procedure for this operation is very much like fishing, except for human fetuses. Indeed, actual fishing tackle can be used for this procedure, though this brings with it the added risk of getting it stuck up in the vagina. Also, fetuses can be used as bait for fishing, but I digress.

The "Mexican" Technique

For this technique, which is used in hospitals in Mexico and throughout the Third World, you will need: some rope and a stick or a baseball bat. The patient should be tied up like a pinata and the procedure is very much like the Mexican party game – but instead of sweets you get blood and dead children. The key to this procedure is a good wrist technique with plenty of follow-through.

The "Fall"-Down-The-Stairs Technique

This common technique involves bringing the patient to the top of a set of stairs and pushing her down - repeating as necessary. A set of stairs is required.

The "Lots Of Booze And Cigarettes" Technique

According to the Surgeon General, cigarettes and alcohol, as well as most other recreational drugs, can cause a potentially fatal miscarriage. This is precisely the effect you are looking for. Simply advise the patient to drink, smoke and shoot up as much as possible until her unwanted little bundle of joy falls out harmlessly during the night.

Step 4: Moral Qualms

Right now you may be feeling quite bad about what you've just done. Perhaps you are feeling a little queasy. Relax: this is normal. Abortion is a dirty job, but someone has to do it. Does Ben Stiller feel bad about releasing all those terrible movies? No? Then nor should you. Just remember: abortion is just a service and you are just a service provider. Think of yourself like you do an ISP, except with less bandwidth and more child-killing. In any case, there are some perks to the job. For instance: how many men can claim to get that much pussy? I rest my case.