Hippie Separatist Movement

“Go west, young hippie, go west. And take your patchouli-stink with you!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Hippie Separatist Movement

Origins of the Movement

The Hippie Separatist Movement began when in the 1970s many hippies were sober long enough to come to the conclusion they didn't want to live in the countries of their residence. While a few of the more enlightened hippies realized that the real hippie movement died in 1969, some were so stoned they believed it could last forever. A few of the more power-hungry hippies, such as Charles Manson and Abbie Hoffman realized that while some hippies were cool, most were dumb and you could make money off them. However, they realized they first needed to isolate hippies from the outside world to aid in getting their money. However, hippies like to think of themselves as individualists, so they needed reasons for the hippies to isolate themselves. To do this wasn't too hard, as most of the hippies disagreement with the government came over the hippies wanting to grow their own drugs, which the government wouldn't let them. Other disagreements were:

• not enough dole money
• don't want to study war no more
• regular society was not anarchistic, socialistic, communistic,fascist enough for their tastes.
• "modern society is like.....messed up, man"
• didn't like being hassled by the police
• wanted to "get out of the house and get away from my parents; they wanted me to cut my hair and go to college and get married and get a job"

And when hippies began depopulating cities by the billions, they began to form communes.

Types of Communes

“Are you rolling your own jelly-babies in there?”

~ Graham Chapman on hippie communes

Hippies live in areas called "communes". The origin of the word either has something to do with Communism, or the old hippie saying "there's no 'i' in community", which makes no sense.

Urban Commune

The urban commune is the easiest commune to start, and also the most unstable and environmentally hazardous. Often, a urban commune starts when three hippies start living together in one apartment or flat, and make a ritual agreement that all three will split the rent, bills, food, and chores - a ritual which is never obeyed by all parties for very long.

Things in an urban hippie commune generally start out good, with people doing their own thing and getting along together, but then things start going bad. Generally most hippies in residence will stop doing their part, until a single person is paying the rent & bills, providing all the food, and doing all the chores. At this point, the commune disolves into fighting, or the problem is temporarily solved by taking on another hippie, with the criteria this hippie has money. Then things go back to normal until the new hippie's money supply is drained.

Urban hippie communes do nothing actually productive, though loud noise and pot-smoke do come from them. An urban hippie commune may grow marijuana or kittens for kitten huffing, though the majority of this produce will be used by the commune instead of going towards making money to keep the commune running.

If the heating is turned off by the hippie's nemesis, the "landlord", the hippies go into the strange actions of scavenging anything in the flat that is made of wood, then burning it. Once all wooden objects not properly secured are burned for warmth, then the hippies begin to tear apart the apartment and scavenge any combustable materials from the construction. At this point, either the police or the exterminator is called in to remove the hippie infestation. If left to their own devices, a colony of 7 hippies can tear apart a block of flats within a week.

The only successful urban hippie communes are those infected by the Hare Krishnas. They suppliment their income by begging for change at the airport and by cooking vegetarian meals for lazy people.

Sub-Urban Communes

A rarity. These happen when a moderately successful hippie has sold out and gotten a job, then bought a house. But a hippie with a house does not automatically become a commune. Sub-urban communes can happen in a myriad of ways:

• The hippies old hippie friends come to 'visit' and end up staying for years. You know a hippie house has become a commune when a person comes to stay at the recomendation of one of the original visitors. Often this type of hippie commune is more stable than the urban commune because of the home-owner's job. You can tell this type of hippie commune by the carvana of VW buses out front, the overgrown yard, strange smells coming from the house, and the midnight visits by the police either for drug raids or noise violations. Other signs are the hot-tub condemned by the World Health Organization, lots of laundry being dried outside, and a sewage system backed up from too much use.
• The home-owning hippie is a kind, caring, generous soul, but stupid. This type of hippie commune begins because the original homeowner's magnetism and ability to attract the needy, the displaced, the hungry. However, the homeowner hippie is also stupid, and doesn't realize this tendency to bring people in will soon cause their means of living to become depleted. The funny thing about this kind of commune is that it will attract lots of cats and kittens, but not for the purpose of kitten huffing. Other animals to be found at this kind of commune are dogs, birds, snakes, squids, and fishes.

• Whacko religious commune. May be affiliated with Scientology, Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or another other weird religion. Often the living room will be the communal worship area, and all the bedrooms will be filled with either bunk-beds or mattresses on the floor to maximize the occupancy rate. Often this type of commune is routed by a polite visit from the ATF, otherwise the members of the commune my kill themselves in a mistaken attempt to hitch a ride on a UFO.

Rural Communes

Rural communes have been the most successful of all communes, though often they die and fade into nature, or gain mediocrity.

A rural commune typically happens when a group of hippies has completely given up on society, and their plans at world domination have failed. In their failure, they decide that it's best to get away from civilization, and so head off to the wilderness to recreate their perfect ideal civilization from scratch. Recreating civilization requires a lot of work, mostly farming to provide food and building to provide shelter. Hippies however are lazy creatures, and would rather do drugs and make bad hippie art than do what work is necassary to survive. Therefore, many rural hippie communes never survive, and any trace of their existence is soon swallowed up by nature ( see Roanoke).

Other times a commune of hippies may have values which clash so much with those of the nearst community, that the people of the community decide that the hippies are worthy of destruction, or at least a shower, shave, and haircut. The members of the community will don sanity white clothing which covers their whole body to keep themselves from being contaminated by the hippie stink, and rush into the communes and drive the hippies towards the nearest body of water so they may be washed. Without the identifying hippie body odor, the hippies are unable to tell whom is a hippie, and the hippie commune breaks apart.

Sometimes a rural hippie commune realizes it must force its members to work to survive, and the commune thrives. In this case, the commune survives because one hippie got sober and realized this, and seized power in a coup. He forces the other hippies to farm their own food,or produce goods for sale to the outside world which then brings in money that is exchanged for food and other supplies, and this is how the rural commune survives.

Foreign communes

These communes are started because for religious, political, societal, or legal reasons, the hippie commune can't function in a proper country such as the US or UK. Therefore these hippies flee to other places, such as India, southeast Asia, or South America where they may exist in relative peace to do drugs, commit suicide, and enslave workers for making crappy stuff for tourists in peace.

Things to Do At Hippie Communes

One thing hippie communes are started for is to foster creative expression and art. However, most hippies don't realize their art sucks. If you go to a hippie commune, you may be forced to listen to very crappy music or poetry. You may be forced to look at crappy paintings or sculpture, you may have to endure the dreaded hippie play or rock opera, or possibly even the worst of all, the hippie performance art. Refrain from poking out your own eyes or ripping your ears from your skull; while you may risk offending the preforming hippies by doing so, the bad part is that you will need your sight and your hearing to escape later.

Another thing hippie communes are formed for is politics. Often a group of hippies has found dis-satisfaction with the outside world, and therefore has retreated into solitude amongst its own group. Most hippies interested in politics however have no effect upon it. These people will often just simply debate politics all day while smoking marijuana or kitten huffing, and not do any kind of political activism or voting. When sober for a brief amount of time, some hippie communes will attend protests, sit-ins, teach-ins, rallies, or riots, but they will not vote since they consider voting to be taking part in a corrupt political system.

Some hippie communes are started because the hippies in them want to have sex with lots of people. These communes are quite kinky, yet the people who join them aren't the good-looking people you want to have sex with. Expect anyone from these kinds of communes to be fat and hairy. These kinds of communes are often filled with nudists, a Greek word for "person who looks better with their clothes on than off, but keeps taking them off and scaring the sheep".

The main reason however for hippie communes being started is for drugs. Among the cornucopia of drugs one will find at a hippie commune are marijuana, LSD, cocaine, magic brownies, magic mushrooms, peyote. Also, there may be kittens present for kitten huffing. If it's your thing, you can also find lots of booze there too. One thing one may do at a hippie commune is ingest a multitude of drugs, and then sit around and do nothing.

The really crappy hippie communes forbid drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. These people tend to be asetics. These types of hippie communes don't last long since they aren't any fun at all.

Work

Most hippie communes are started so their members don't have to work. The ideal hippie commune is one where nobody has to do any work, but everyone gets an equal amount of stuff; this however is not possible, and why most communes are destined for failure. For a commune to survive, at least one person must be doing some kind of work which brings in some form of income. The other members of the commune will mooch off of this person.

However, some communes force their members to work. Some communes sell their art products to tourists and appreciators of bad hippie art to make money. Others grow their own organic food and sell the surplus -if any- to stores. The more lucrative communes grow their own marijuana and kittens, and sell the surplus -if any- to dealers for pot-smokers and those who are into huffing kittens.

Food & Living Conditions at a Hippie Commune

Food

Brief description: Bad.

Long Description: Cuisine at hippie communies comes in three varieties:

• Vegetarian
• simple & bland
• scavenged

The majority of hippies are vegetarian because they're too lazy to kill animals for their own food. Hence they only hunt vegetables. Typically when the menu at the commune is vegetarian, it's also grown on the commune, either because fruits and vegetables from the store are either not organic, or the hippies don't want to give money to a capitalist company which exploits workers. Hence, their own veggies are small and lacking nutrients in comparison.

When the fare at a commune is simple and bland, it is typically because the commune is a bunch of asetics, and a religious commune which doesn't believe in spices or seasonings, or tasty food. A simple and bland diet is considered "pure" because they think tasty food is a spiritual evil. It is also theorized that asetics have bland food because they spend too much time trying to be spiritual, instead of getting in the kitchen and actually learning to cook.

Scavenged cuisine is what the hippie can liberate from the garbage, gather from the surrounding land, or buy with the money they can beg off of people. Many urban communes are known for their scavenged cuisine, as cities have dumpsters which yield a greater potential for finding morsels still-edible food tossed away amongst other waste products, which make up the base ingredients of scavenged cuisine.

Living Conditions

The short answer: filthy.

A note on toilets (if there is one): Hippie toilet etiquette goes by the rule: "If it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down." When translated into English, this means if one has simply urinated, do not flush the toilet, but if one has pooped, then the toilet must be flushed. The reasons behind this are not fully known; hippies will say this rule saves water and helps 'Mother Earth', but anthropologists will say that this rule helps the hippie maintain the urine smell in their commune, which makes the hippies feel comfortable.

If you see rooms full of mattresses at a commune, this may be for a variety of reasons:

• the hippies are too cheap to actually buy bed frame, so they just stole a bunch of mattresses to sleep on.
• the hippies already burnt the bed frames for firewoood last week
• the commune is set up as a sex haven. The way you can tell you're in a sex haven hippie commune is to use UV light, and if you see large glowing splotches, or if the entire mattress is one big glowing splotch, you're in a sex haven.
• if you see dead bodies on the matresses, the hippie commune was based around a wacky religion, and the members have left to find Jesus, catch a ride on a UFO, or become enlightened, or another series of lies.
• if you see large splotches of blood like someone has been hacked apart with a chainsaw or an axe, you're in fact not in a hippie commune, but a horror movie. DON'T TURN AROUND, THE KILLER IS BEHIND YOU, RUN!!!!! NO, NOT UPSTAIRS!!! OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!! NO, NOT INTO THE WOODS....oh, nevermind.
• If the room full of mattresses is clean and well-lit, you're not in a hippy commune but a bed furnishing store.

Famous Individuals and Groups of the Hippie Separatist Movement

Individuals

• Charles Manson and his family at Spahn Ranch.
• Hugh Hefner, founder of the Playboy Mansion.
• JR "Bob" Dobbs for the Church of the SubGenius at Brushwood, NY.
• Eris Discordia for her guide on organizing the Hippie Separatist Movement.
• Jim Jones for leading the People's Temple and causing kids to drink more orange soda instead of Kool-Aid.
• David Koresh for making the Branch Davidians a bunch of no-names into a flaming success.

Groups

• The Commune of Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends which is responsable for a great deal of railway lines across the world
• The Commune of Gregory Tindelborough who advocates having friendly yet intimate with the grass in order to be at one with nature more
• The Commune of Tratchett McFargochetti The Fist The First, who loves getting it on down, and runs his commune just off the Grand Funk Railway. To join one must have a lot of Funk in your veins, pure and unrefined, and huff kittens 24/8 (There are 8 days there: Tuesday Thirday Thurday Flyingday Kittenhuff Huffsberryday and Thratchettyday and another day) and there are parties held all night, which are all on the downstroke, 'cos you gotta get up gotta get up gotta get down.
• The Rainbow Family (aka: The Rainbow Tribe, Those People Over in the Woods)
• The Commune of Flagpole Senior and His Band Of Banditos, which believe in sucking toes to save your soul
• Church of the Subgenius famously holds communes at the end of the world, which they say comes every July 5th.
• Robin Hood and his Merry Men ("Faygelas?)
• Star Child who is responsible for the invenion of filthy hippie "flower power."

See also

• Commune
• Hippies
• Marijuana
• Oscar Wilde
• Fnord