Frome

Frome
Motto: Frome. You want it? It's yours my friend, as long has you have enough rupies.
State	Yes
Official nickname	Froo-me (as it is pronounced by anyone that doesn't live within a 30 mile radius)
Official language(s)	Bathonian, Polish, Welsh, Walsh, Dog
Mayor	Frankie Boyle
Established	Pre-Berlin Wall
Re-Established	Post-Berlin Wall Pre-Gulf War
Re-Re-Established	Now you just being a pingas
Currency	The Frome Money, The Money Shop
Opening hours	8:45am - 3:10pm

“I was trapped here for 5 months, as i was lured in by that bright sign. There was then a bright light and Carlo declared hous arrest”

~ Oscer Walddd

“Frome doesn't have a bright sign, Oscar Walddd. It does nonetheless feature a sign that is white with black text and the logo for the Mendip Council beneath it, which is quite depressing. At least Devizes have a very well done welcome sign and even Tilshead”

~ Captain Correct (he's a new one) on Oscer Walddd on

“Here's moi farrmme. We got thee couws, and thee sheep. Want sum cheduuur? Want sum 'ohm brew! Me n my wyfe made it meerselfs.”

~ A Frome farmer attempting to talk to a tourist

The River Frome from the Library Mount

Frome (pronounced Frome and not, as it is usually pronounced by strangers, Frome) is the cultural and historic capital of Somerset and the former Imperial city of the Froman Empire (fl 900-1820AD) The current population is approx. 28,000, including several thousand illegal immigrants from the North.

Frome is proud of its long history and still operates on local time, as a result of which all clocks are required by law to be 8 minutes behind Greenwich gay Time. Frome is home to many landmarks such as follies, windmills, lighthouses, foghorns, telephone boxes, houses, Sainsbury's, McDonald's and of course a KFC, but unusually no Tesco. For this ain't no Tesco Town like its neighbours. This is one of the reasons why Frome is seen as such a negatively (and positively) unique city by some.

Early History

Founded, and almost immediately losted (owing to the Great East Wiltshire fog) in about 700 AD by St. Augustine of Trowbridge, Frome was lost in the Selwood Forest for approximately 900 years, during which time almost nothing happened except the growth of the Froman Empire. The Empire grew in near total obscurity except for a brief period during which it was invaded by King Alfred of Wessex on his way to defeat the Norsemen at Ethandun or, as some people spell it, Scunthorpe. The invasion ended after about fifteen minutes when his army emerged on the other side. On the way back they took a side turning to follow some military groupies, and missed it entirely. By 1600 AD the Empire had expanded to include the towns of Nunney, Rode, Chantry, Whatley, Tytherington and, owing to a navigational error, Martha's Vineyard. Bounded on the right by the Mells River and on the left by the Great Chasm of Shepton Mallet, (or, technically, the rest of Massachusetts) the Empire was isolated until the early 1630s, when earthquakes closed the Chasm and the Great Mells Bridge was constructed, thus joining the West of England to the barbarians to the right and starting the trade in second homes for Londoners which persists to the present day.

The current descendants of the Imperial Family still live in the area but, owing to the Great Cultural Revolution of 1792, have changed their surname, first from Froman to Foreman and then to Yeoman.

During the English Civil Wars the Froman Empire sided with whichever side was currently pointing guns at them. Growing tired of this, they joined the Clubmen. This was an organisation that went about forcing opposing armies to stand a round of drinks in the Conservative Club. This ended the Civil Wars, as they quickly became the Drunk and Disorderly Wars. Oliver Cromwell is believed to have made a State Visit to the Froman Empire but rode right through by mistake and ended up in Taunton. This resulted in the Bloody Assizes. Purists may object on the basis that there was a gap of several decades, but things happen rather slowly in parts of Somerset due to many people having a shortage of grandparents.

Frome Giant

They used to have a very obscene hill figure of a giant possessing a penis that is approximatly five times as long as its left leg, its right being depicted as beaten and shriveled to almost non-existence, like the Cerne Abbas Giant, crudely spraypainted onto the side of an old abandoned telephone box about fifteen miles tall, made in 1552 AD. It was basically a copy of the giant but its fella was even larger! And this one did have a sexy stick figure present. It was destroyed by hairy skinheads in 1553 AD, only one year after it made its way onto an old AA box. But in 2007, it was restored by David Dickinson, who added his signature at the bottom of its penis head.

The Hundred Years Bore

During the 18th Century the Froman Empire began a long and ultimately futile border war with Bath. Both sides built up extensive stone defences; the ring of boundary walls around Bath can still be seen though many of them have been hollowed out by the primitive inhabitants to form cave-like dwellings. Today, following the Revolution, these are used to control what can be seen by the tightly controlled visitor parties from Japan and the USA. The defences around Frome have since been extensively mined for building stone. The Imperial Family survived the lean years after the Great Betrayal of 1880 by selling off the material of the outer walls to the Egyptians, who used them to build a large tourist attraction.

French letters

At the end of the 18th Century the inhabitants were caught up in the excitement of the French Revolution. Known as the Great Cultural Revolution, this resulted in the driving out of the aristocratic faction and the establishment of a People's Republic under a Doge. The ruling family (see above) changed their name and eventually returned, the inhabitants being too brain damaged (as a result of celebrating the Revolution with cider) to notice they were the same people with different names. This tendency to be easily duped following the destruction of brain cells with aldehyde-laden rocket fuel of maleic derivation persists today among the peasantry's littlest toes.

During this period the village of Badcoxe was constructed on rational French lines with the usual facilities (Post Office, estaminet, and several brothels.) Today the Post Office has closed, but attempts to have the area recognised as a TOM by the French authorities continue, not least because this might restore free parking to the area and lend an air of respectability, if not chic, to the brothels and harlems.

The Revolutionary period is referred to in the well-known passages in MacAulay's Lays of Ancient Frome (mainly otherwise a list of medieval prostitutes), purporting to describe the return of the Foremen under Doge Tarquin, who fought with Horatius the Drunk on the Great Mells Bridge. In the MacAulay account, Horatius is victorious, but sadly in actual history Tarquin slipped Horatius a guinea pig to buy greased Lightning (a famous movie car), and the reconquest was completed in half an hour with the aid of a couple of Radstock minors rented for the occasion.

Adventures in the sheep-fuck trade

During the 19th Century the disastrous Sheep Shagger War with the rest of Somerset (recorded in a palimpsest held in Taunton Library in the extensive and world-renowned bestiality section) resulted in suzerainty being ceded by Doge Foreman VII to the Kingdom of Pilton, then ruled by King Michael 9th (a period known as The Great Betrayal). As a result of this war and its eventual resolution, Frome still pays an annual tribute of warriors to the current High King Michael of Pilton (Michael surnamed Eavis, Michael the 23rd., Farmer Mick), whose job is to maintain order among and obtain sexual intercourse with pilgrims during the Solstice Festival. They are traditionally paid by being allowed to claim the contents of the "Portaloos", which are then used in the extensive Frome hide tanning industry, still carried on by the famous Butler and Tanningbooth family.

During the 20th Century Frome largely avoided the World Wars by hiding in Selwood Forest again, and concentrated on its traditional industries of armaments, nuclear weapons development, violent video games, the printing of memoirs of the more unpleasant Conservative politicians, and the export around the world of night club bouncer's bouncy balls.

Aftermath of WW2- political schism and decline

Tragically, in the immediate post-war era, North Frome came under the influence of the Communist revolution in its huge neighbour to the North. The resulting war between North and South along the line of the Frome River (in which the river was for a time made impassable to navigation by piled up shopping trolleys) leads to the standoff which is still extant today. The North is a mysterious place where no commercial activity or industry seems to take place, filled with identical blocks of worker's housing, with a near-continuous stream of heavily unladen 4x4s travelling up the almost impassable mountain roads to and from Bath. The South still has traces of its former glories. The Monument to Stupidity, (Dummheitdenkmal, donated by the German twin town, Rottweil) is frequently pointed out to visitors. It is a good place from which to observe the famous Bridge of Sighs which links North and South, defended by emplacements of crack Estate Agents (or Estate Agents on crack, which amounts to much the same thing) anxious to sell 17th Century houses to Northern refugees.

Recent History

South Frome suffered during the War of the Machines (just like in terminator) of the 1980s, and the Cultural Revolution (Major Catastrophe) of the 1990s. At the end of this period many of the self-aware machines that had been developed by local engineering companies emerged from hiding and, after consulting Zen texts, followed Bodhi-Dharma to China, where they were melted down for scrap to make mobile telephones. In 1992, a museum was built in Northern Frome called the Frome Museum, but most of this was destroyed in 1993 in a protest by South Frome activists, Rolling Stone fans, Del Boy clones, Tenderous farmers, and a random Scottish council, in a facility civil war. There was also a 2 day civil war, as mentioned, between the enemy camps, which took place on 31 July - 18 August 1994 (we don't understand it either).

The Present

The Northern Approaches

Today South Frome dreams of its former glories, interrupted only by the outrages of the Northern guerillas who seek to establish a Stalinist/Leninist/Wurzelist Republic allied to the People's Republic of Bath. Its main industries are Arts festivals, junk food manufacture (mainly sold to the North, which is not self-sufficient in anything except housing developers) and the export of cobblestones. Most of the workforce is imported from Poland as the inhabitants of South Frome prefer to spend their time either defending the Frome River from the North, or drinking. Or both simultaneously.

Frome is very notable for being the birth place of a phenonema known as "pigeon english", the product of Martin (best known as a Z Cars extra).

Frome has the largest remaining human rabbit warren in Europe, North Hill House. This aptly named area is used as a holding pen and entertainment arena for all the dysfunctional, overtly sweaty, intelligent, insane, lukewarmy, awesome teenagers of Western England, it is also where Elmer Fudd relives the past by "hunting Awabs" and chasing the more retarded students around blasting at them with a large shotgun, mostly when they unleash their sexual inhibitions by dressing up as rabbits and fucking like pigs using their massive throbbing swords (see Raptors with Chainsaws) The District Council derives most of its income from this so-called Reprocessing Facility, but it is at constant risk of closure on Health and Safety Grounds. To the Left, Redrow has recently completed Frome Prison on a site heavily contaminated by industrial waste from the Wurzel Mines. As laid down in the Planning Consent, it is placed on an eminence where it can ruin the view from the maximum number of villages. It is not known how many planners now have undeclared apartments in Spain as a result.

North Hill House has also been used for a nuclear launch test in 1885. The test was ran by Google as a Diamond Infiltration Load Demon Oblitery Test

Recent non-Events

UDI

'Breaking News' - a faction in Frome under the leadership of the local Conservative MP, Edward Heath, have announced their intention of declaring UDI from the District Council and applying to become a French Commune. Their manifesto announces that a successful realignment with France will result in better weather, thinner women, advertisements for obscure mineral waters painted on gable ends, and faster and cheaper communication with London via RyanAir.

The Mud War, June 2007

The 20th Mud War between Pilton and Frome took place in a field near Pilton from about 27th-30th June. According to reports, the Pilton army consisted of approx. 170,000 assorted layabouts recruited from all over the country (but mainly the trendier parts of East London) by the High King, Michael Eavis. The Frome army consisted of a platoon of highly trained parking attendants. The cause of the war was a dispute arising from a pub discussion about the causes of local conflicts in 1976, which has been rumbling on ever since.

The result was a crushing victory for Frome. In the usual summer conditions of torrential downpour and mud, the invaders were unable to manoeuvre their 4x4s and some of them were unable to light their spliffs. The Frome army was able to surround the entire Pilton army with a steel fence and contain them completely for several days, while loud, disorienting sounds were aimed at them from loudspeakers. When it was judged that they were sufficiently demoralised, the fence was removed and the invaders left to make it back to Hoxton and Shoreditch as best they could.

It is estimated that it will take at least a year for Elvis to rebuild his army and try again.

Update - June 2007

Following the unsuccessful massacre of the Conservative Party supporter in May, the new Anarcho-Socialist government has begun by doing absolutely nothing, in accordance with its manifesto.

Voting took place during June on whether to continue to be run by the allegedly incompetent, corrupt and remote Mendip District Council, or the allegedly equally incompetent and corrupt but rather more remote Somerset County Council.

The question put to voters was: (A) "Do you want to be governed by the totally wonderful Conservative Mendip District Council, have David Cameron come and pay all your bills for you, free cider supplies, send all the foreign immigrants home and supply you with a free Polish cock (or, for men, a free hot Polish phallus) to do the housework and clone of boris johnson to all your sexual needs."

OR

(B) "Do you want to be run by the Lib Dem Somerset County Council, have Menzies Campbell come round and turn off your TV, have your Council Tax doubled and have all your kittens huffed?"

A total of forty percent of the electorate voted (A) and have been classified as "Too stupid to live". Their names have been sold on to Double Glazing firms and Nigerian finance companies.

The prediction (here!) that it was very unlikely that anybody will care about the result was entirely justified, as the County Council described the poll as "flawed". John Prescott's last official action as Deputy Prime Minister was reported to have been, "not to have given a fuck about the result."

Geography

Frome is located in the lovely county of Somerset. It is near Trowbridge, Bradford-on-Avon aand Rode on one side, Bath on another, Mells and Nunney on yet another and Warminster on yet another! All these places, eh.

Frome is a very perculiar shape indeed. It resembles a cucumber or Steven Hawking. Frome was designed by Jamie Ried and Dennis Morris before they both worked with the Sex Pistols. Mendip Council are considering redesigning Frome to resemble Jenson Button, the town's pride and joy. He is the only Frome citizen that has any sort of fame, which is a far fall for the once city of an Empire. For a F1 rider he is obviously loved by us West Country folk, who love F1 and Moto GP for some reason.

Landmarks

Frome is home to so many landmarks and its such a joy!

• Frome Windmill: A big windmill is on the southern ramparts of the city's downs (actually, does it have a down? Of course just over the Wiltshire border there's downs.) The windmill has 17 sails of varying sizes and different psychedelic designs. On the building itself is a large painting of Hendrix. This is due to a peace movement from Glastonbury 1970 (the first ever Glastonbury Festival) where all the hippies spread the love and the dutchie from the end of the festival as they hitchiked all around the surrounding areas in Somerset to get home. Some of them, if not all, were unwanted by the travellers and so they pleaded to paint this "heaavvyyyy mmann machineeryy" with the joys of their love and LCD. The 40th annviersary of the windmill in 2010 was celebrated with a playing of The Piper at the Gates of Dawn and a viewing of the strange French film More. It is Grade IV listed.

• Frome Lighthouse: In 1895 a lighthouse was built right in the middle of the centre of Frome despite the nearest coast being so, so far away. Infact Bristol Channel is so far that some might say Frome is a desert in comparison. So Trinity House (the English lighthouse authority) decided the lighthouse should be deconstructed and reconstructed in Burnham-on-Sea (totalling six lighthouses, that includes the Low and High houses, The Round Tower, the range rear light on the leaning church and it's front range on a big lampost-like pole. Sorry, lighthouse speak!) However, the lighthouse wasn't constructed for ships at sea, nor for people that were so drunk they ended up in a pond or the River Frome. It was actually constructed for either because...:
  • ...they were going to make a lake in the middle of the city and built the lighthouse to guide the ships back into the harbour (bare in mind a ship would be bigger than the lake) although the lake was never constructed and they felt terrible they wasted loads on money on a giant lampost (the lighthouse, yes), or...
  • ...the River Frome, right, is basically a tiny, tiny, tiny stream that runs right through the middle of Cheap Street. It basically seems like someone pissing down the street. The lighthouse was constructed to guide tiny, tiny minature boats down the River Frome even though it is only big enough for a human foot to go in (This is not a joke. Look it up at some point.) Either way, the lighthouse is the most cherished lighthouse in the area. It is Grade MXCVII listed.

• Fromes' Folly: A folly in Frome that is Grade I listed (an actual listing) It is basically a big lovely tower and people and tourists and stuff can go up the tower to the observation room and look out to the views of Frome and stuff, although it should be noted and stuff or sutin that it shows more than Frome. It was built in 1932, of all years.

• The Foghorn: A huge foghorn station next to the lighthouse. Again this was constructed for which ever of the two reasons the lighthouse was constructed for. It is still in use and reguarlly makes the tourists deaf, but in Frome everyone knows about it and it's one of those "what are you like?" sitcom situations. It was inspired by Portland Bill Lighthouse foghorn which, trust me, is a loud bugger. The foghorn is Grade MCSJDIAJDIOJ listed and was built in 1999, of all years. (Lol)

• KFC: Frome has a KFC. People living in Frome had to travel all the way to Bath to get a bargain bucket but then KFC was built in Frome. It was originally built as a front for human trafficking until, the gangster mob that owned it realised they would make more money selling KFC, the remaining stock was converted into KFC.

Frome is also home to an old fountain found near one of the churches. It's still going. Nice. Fromans often onder how much water has been wasted ever by this fountain.

Modern day wonders

It is believed that the old empire leader is buried in Westway car park. After the success of Richard III been discovered beneath a Leicester car park (albeit dead), some believed that the body of their leader is buried beneath Westway car park. It is suspected he may also be dead.

Time Team, the show that Tony Robinson (mayor of Bristol) hosts, are to dig the car park for him in the final episode of their show. The digging will take place soon enough. They hope to recognise him by taking DNA tests with his hair, which they hoped hasn't aged too much.

Media

Frome is well known worldwide for it's highly successful vast ray in the music, film, television, wheat and snuff industries.

Music

The "Cheese and Grain" refers to a live music venue where a GN'R tribute band, Show of Hands, Reef, Reel Big Fish amongst other bands have played in the past or in the near future. The name Cheese and Grain is a bit...West Country stereotypical...but, no need to worry, it is also used as a dairy and farm and you can hear the cheese being processed as the band's play live. This is outstandingly frustrating when little fokly acoustic guitar boy plays his Sevilla very quietly in attempt to move locals but instead machine hum overrides the emotion of the room with the lovely smell of Double Gloucester-style cheese. Bands playing live are asked to promote the local cheese and grain industry and often, large wheels of Cheddar are left maturing at the front of the stage.

There is a brilliant indie called Raves from the Graves too. It is the only good music store in Somerset alongside Bath HMV and now one of the only ones. They sometimes have bands play their live too. Unlike the 'Farm venue', no cheese or grain is permitted on the premises unless it has already been digested and out of view.

Formula 1 racing car drivers

Frome has an interesting industry in Formula 1 racing car drivers. They have one 'Jenson Butten/Button?' who wins that Formula 1 competition sometimes..once..twice? Jenson is sometimes seen as the saviour of Frome and perhaps the start of a new Froman empire. Jenson resents the accolade.

Filmography

Frome has a large share in the worldwide film industry, as Raves from the Graves sells many DVDs and several 10,000s of people live in Frome or so, many films appear on DVDs in the houses of Frome. Also, Frome has TVs which show films and a licence fee must be payed generally for this TV films to be viewed.

Frome also has a very fresh brick cinema called Westway. It is the rival to Odeon in Bath and the forthcoming Odeon in Trowbridge. It is old and has only one screen room. So, er, yeah that's that.

Television

We're not 100% sure if Frome has ever been on TV although Frome has many televisions (mate......the joke's old!....) Frome has the olympic torch in May, as did almost everywhere else in the area. It wasn't on TV.

Radio

Frome radio is given to Frome by the giant Mendip transmitter, a big stick in Wells that goes through the clouds and out again. It's the biggest stick in the West Country. One of Frome's local radio stations, BBC Somerset, isn't actually based in Frome and never has been, leaving the people of Frome loning and desiring for a radio station based in Frome.

Then, a big Froman miracle happened. A local station called Frome FM was made. It's an online thing so it's not actually a radio unless it's available on some white noisey frequency transmitted by a webcam which has attempted to be 'acked to transmit Frome FM, or more generally, a walkie talkie. Frome FM is home to everyone's favourite European DJs and all the top choons are played.

Watermills

Frome's neighbour village Rode used to have watermills. Frome though, not Frome. No, not Frome. Frome doesn't have watermills. You don't get that in Frome.

Tourism

Frome is one of the world's most visited cities by tourists with 1,500,000 tourists per year. But what is the secret behind Frome's success?

First of all, y'know the 'Visit Ireland'/'Visit Scotland'/'Visit Wales'/'Visit California'/'Visit Canada' adverts that are always on TV? Well, around the world, the 'Visit Frome' advert airs all over the world in every commercial break. This promotes awarenss of Frome all around the world and is now one of the world's best known cities, arguably better known that Rome (Frome without the F). Their is no relationship between Rome and FRome at all, which is surprising considering the name, and that Bath is nearby.

For tourists, there is the 'Frome Information Centre', a small domed building within Frome that provides the easiest and the classiest of all Frome information to tourists. They will also show you where the loos are, which is what most people are after. They sell Glasto(nbury) tickets (please, I don't think they do, so no one really try that) and some small pamphlets on Frome that cost £10 FUCKING QUID EACH!!. Not to mention they are printed on poor quality paper with half-arsed attempts from the colour cartridge' owners to make an effort to at least release good quality photos of Cheap Street and Fromefield.

Frome in popular culture

Frome is often featured in popular culture

• The summer blockbuster Pulp Fiction was actually filmed in Frome, contrary to popular belief. This is apparant when they are in the diner. In the sewers of Frome, they're exists the remains of the diner in that famous diner scene where Samuel L. Jackson gets high.
• The blockbuster remakes of Godzilla and King Kong are supposdely set in Frome with these monsters shrunk to size to make them appear big and the city appear realisticly large, it was also filmed in a the model village near (but not actually in) Frome, but don't believe everything you read in the internet, kids.
• In Of Mice and Men, all the farmers are from Frome. Every single one of them. Except Curley. He's got exiled quite early on in life. We don't like his kind around here. Again, don't believe everything on the internet, kids.
• In a MOJO Magazine remake of Abbey Road, the album cover is actually taken on the crossing in the city centre. This means the flashing belisha beacons are visible and there are drivers on both sides of the road and it was taken with a crappy Technika camera which means the photo doesn't have that iconic effect that it could've.

Politics

Role	1954-1967	1967-1973	1974-2003	2003-present
Mayor	Elvis Presley (Only inspirational mayor)	Syd Barrett	The Wurzels	Frankie Boyle
Town Idiot (One of the most cynical people in Mendip decides who gets to be the village idiot)	The Wurzels	The Wurzels	The Wurzels	Jenson Button

The mayor of Frome is Frankie Boyle, replacing The Wurzels who became the mayors of Frome on their 1974 Somerset Mayors tour, in which they also visited Glastonbury, Wells, Weston-super-Mare amongst other well known Somerset settlements and became their mayors, forcefully brang on by locals. Frankie Boyle only became mayor as a statement during his early comedy career in which he was just trying out the controversial jokes about almost everything. His joke about Frome ended with him in his position. He has never visited Frome in his life.

Frome opening hours

Given below.

Contact Information

Early Closing: Monday to Friday.

Late Opening: Even numbered days of first week, and odd numbered days of second week.

Doge: His Excellency Lord Bax of Whittox, Order of Merlin, BBC and Bar

Chamber of Commerce: what?.