Somerset

Approach to Taunton, Somerset's largest township.

Somerset (pronounced 'Zummerzet') is an English country best known for its cider and amusing (if you're a non-West Country vistor) local dialect.

Geography

Somerset is filled with magical wonders, why not visit today!!

Geographically, Somerset is a county of featureless, flat, boring countryside. Known as the famous "Somerset levels", originally most of the county was under water, as a consequence the Environment Agency is intending to reflood the entire county, creating beatuiful marshlands filled with a variety water birds that rich, civilised people from Bristol can go and admire.

Great rolling mists move in when the Ordnance Survey people came a-poking and a-messing in their new-fangled rowboats. This is not in fact mist, but is actually pollution from all the cider mills, being exposed to this pollution for extended periods of time can cause symptoms like:

• Throat cancer
• Lung cancer
• Moral cancer
• Gurt cancer
• An uncontrollable urge to go scrumping
• Make passionate love to a cow called Daisy
• A stupid accent

Tourist Information

Somerset's chief exports include cows, cow produce, cheese, agriculture, cow smells and cider.
When it rains in Somerset the result is usually blue or green, with some discolouration around the edges of the drops. Although most of the rain goes downwards, a small amount goes by bus.

The country smells especially different from next door Devon or Dorset. It's a heady brew of fermented cow dung. Visitors are welcome if they bring their own rubber boots.

Semantics

'Somerset' itself is saggy breasts for 'Land of the CIDER! Summer People'. This was considered to be an excellent joke by folk of the time, who needed a break from all the incest, scrumping and drowning that they were accustomed to.

Somerset in fact is the coolest place in the world, and as a result the people there own the world's greatest collection of grumpy old women with blankets that stare out the window at the rain, this is a considered a sport.

Government

Three highly influential people rule Somerset, although oddly none of them know each other from someone called Adam. Five oddly shaped goldfish are often seen in Somerset, the main county town of which is Taunton, a mis-spelling of Torn-town.

Taunton (pronounced Taw-'un) was established in 1066 by Henry the Homo, who bought the village for three magic beans from a guy named Joe Joe also sucks people off for loose change.
Henry built many crappy make-shift facilities, most of which still stand today and are a major tourist attraction.
In the year 1121 Henry was removed as Mayor of Taunton due to his Deal with the Devil. It was later discovered that "devil" actually meant Margaret Thatcher; however, the principle remained the same. Henry was impaled upon the Wellington Monument.

Wellington is a piece of shit that nobody likes. it is a dump that is full of drunk chavs who like to pick fights with each other and end up bumming each other in Courtfield.

Taunton is now ran by the institute of Some People. These friendly individuals ensure the town keeps the lowest crime rate in the entire of Britain; only 98% of the citizens of Taunton now commit random crimes each day! Other works of the People include the "multi-culturalism" program, designed to welcome other cultures into the community. This however was later deemed a mistake, due to the disastrous effectiveness of the program.

• Racism, often casual
• Reverse Racism,
• Fugly children
• Burning heathens at the stake
• Driving black Rolls Royces' with skull and cross bones on
• Weekly Bingo

Chard

Somerset is also the home of Chard, the market town, known to the local people as "Chaaaard, the market town" (see Culture below). Its 99.8% population of prostitutes (similar to Bridgwater) (the remaining 0.2% being "Chard hards") can be found scattered around the village centre, mainly at its local attraction, the Chaaard Benefits Centre.

The rare and elusive missing link is reported to have been spotted lurking around the edges of the main township, although skeptics argue that the difficulty in telling apart its part man, part woman, part ape features from the general population of Chard calls this into question. To put Chaaard into perspective; living in or around chard is considered a crime and all partakers of such evil doings will be hung drawn and quartered, this punishment having been established since the early 1500s then re-established in the 1990s the first public execution being held in Axminster (see Devon) on 3rd of may 1991. The number of murders per annum in Chard has been attributed to major influx of "those bloody foreigners" as stated by several convicted residents.

Other Towns

Minehead, Hen and Stag party capital of the UK ranking 2nd to Prague in Europe ,was used by Welsh people to dump their lime, using little boats with no toilets on them to carry it across the 'Brissol Channel' ,hence the colour of the water. Big tent on the seafront called Butlins,changed its name to Somerwest world then back to Butlins because the local couldn't spell it. The majority of Minehead's inhabitants are made up of ex-Butlins servants who didn't earn enough money to return up North at the end of the season, and Eastern Europeans who consider this area of chalet lines superior to Eastern block housing. Once a year a man dresses as a strange horse (its his Hobby) and dances around the area for 3 days and nights only stopping at every pub to say hello and have a cup of tea because the pubs have no beer left after selling it to the men playing the squeezebox and drum and all the drunks following the Hobby horse-Then another man dressed as a horse arrives and they have a fight about who likes Cher the best. To the West of Minehead is a hill called North hill, the US Army realised the mistake while practicing for WW2 and tried to blow it to bits under the disquise of tank practice. Every year there is a pancake race down the Avenue and the race is made harder(at the instigation of the Mayor) by the contestants have to hurdle the A boards outside the Pubs ,shops and cafes. It is now famous for holding the World Tug of War contest , which is hard because the harbour is full of mud, and even at high tide you can only get one tug in there. Famous literary people John Cleese wrote (Minehead Bye-Bye election) and Arthur C. Clark who wrote 2001 Space Odyssey for David Bowie. Hinkley Point nuclear power station is to the East, now that it is owned by the French the capacity of electricity is down( the French trawler men are blockading it) the local West Somerset railway is having to revert to steam.

Dunster, a charming medieval village east of Minehead, popular with tourists who go to visit the Castle Closed on Fridays,the Yarn Market were men stand around telling tall stories of how much cider they can drink, and the famous cobbled High st.that the locals are allowing Elf and Safety to dig the cobbles up as they might injure a passing drunk on his way to the Yarn Market. The hymn "All things bright and beautiful" was written here in 1848 by Mrs C.F. Alexander while she was looking at a postcard her sister sent to her from Switzerland.

The historic and cultural capital (which is not saying much) of Somerset is Frome, which is so far over to the right that most Somerset people believe it to be in Wiltshire. Frome hosts all the major sporting fixtures in Somerset (such as the Saturday night battles between rival gangs of drunks), and all the cultural activities. The rule is, if it takes place outside Frome it's just folk music or men hitting one another with sticks.

Also in Somerset, the town of Glastonbury can be found. Its population comprises of witches, the drunk and the living dead. Oh, it has a musical festival every other year where you can get the best hash at cost price.

Shepton Mallet (or 'Shit and Smell It' as it is known to the locals), in the frozen North of Somerset, is a town consisting entirely of peoples Auntie's and its estimated that 30% of the worlds population either know someone living there or have lived there. Its home to one of the largest cider plants in the world, surprisingly though the exports of Cider are nil, all of it being drunk within the town. Also beware of the phantom sheep on one of the roundabouts. Some say that if you look at them in the eye, you turn into one yourself.

Yeovil is Somerset's third largest town and is little more then a helicopter factory which has the misfortune of being located close to Chard. As the local council has closed any excuses for entertainment facilities Yeovil might once have possessed, the biggest local pastime is hanging around McDonalds or Starrs lane car park revving car engines randomly. Yeovil is not considered important enough to merit its own Nandos.

Wells, not to be confused with the small and insignificant nation of sheep fanatics. Wells is in fact the worlds smallest city. It's a village with a cathedral, which according to the archaic civic laws of this nation of Britain makes it a city. The film Hot Fuzz was filmed here, have you seen the film? Then you'll know why. It's not worth a visit. I've been there, I got a parking ticket.

Somerton, a small and insignificant village Somerton was once the capital of the ancient Kingdom of Wessex. That was obviously prior to the events depicted in Lord of the Rings after which the capital of Wessex moved to Gondor.

Langport, currently undergoing mass Polish immigrant invasion...HELP!!... Once was a battle in langport, unready to fight King Charles vauxhalls rode their cavaliers fleeing from the roundheads, barely even able to finish off there bewildered rent boys. The towns main source of employment is the abattoir, this is basically an immigrant magnet attracting all sorts of various Eastern European's everything from rapists to communists... well it is Eastern Europe.

Bridgwater-Over-Missing-Vowel is a pathetic excuse for a town that was thoroughly insignificant until the residents built a bridge over their river forcing ships to do their business there rather then sailing further upstream. Bridgwater's major employer until recently was a cellophane factory. It closed. Although the factory stank the closure has unfortunately done little to improve Bridgwater's smell. Although Somerset isn't known as the smartest place in the country Bridgwater has the distinction of having the lowest average IQ of anywhere in Somerset. This may explain why they seem to get so much pleasure from watching a load of tractors with fairy lights driving up and down their high street every year (this bizarre ritual is called the Bridgwater Carnival). Bridgwater has the further distinction of being the only town in Somerset to have made it into the idler guide to 'crap towns' having been put by popular vote into the 50 most hated towns in the UK.

Inventions

Somerset is famous for its many inventions.

• Wellington Boots
• Cider was invented by an alcoholic who wanted to make the most out of his apple tree.
• Tractors & Combine-Harvesters
• Cows
• Manure
• Farmers?

Culture

Zummersetians have a hearty accent, mostly used by the old, the bald and the stupid. The accent is considered vile by the majority of the UK

Common Phrases (and their translations) are as follows:

• ... "Ooh arr" (Works best when chewing corn and leaning over a farm gate) - Has no real meaning e.g. "Oooooh arrr"
• ... "Dartar! - Daughter e.g. "You been copping off with my darter!?"
• ... "Zmarnin" - This Morning e.g. "The weather is good zmarnin"
• ... "Arr/Yarr" - Yes. Not to be confused with "Yarrrr" (as said by pirates) e.g. "arr the weather is good zmarnin"
• ... "Thar" (used with a vague pointing motion) - over there "Go down that thar road, turn left, and there's the sheep"
• ... "Dunnar" - Did e.g. "He dunnar runner"
• ... "Gurt" - Big e.g. "Look at the gurt cow"
• ... "Bloodae Forenas" - Anyone who isn't local e.g. "Look at that bloodae forena, parked right across that there curb"
• ... "Wars it to?" -Where is it? e.g. "Yovull(Yeovil)Wars it to?""Over by that thar Dorzit, in zummerset"
• ... "Girt" - Big. e.g. "Look at 'um girt coos"

Somerset is thought to have been the main idea behind the hit US film Deliverance. Where people in Somerset are all scientifically proven to be inbred and related to each other.

Celebrities

• The Wurzels
• Bill Bailey - who has the shortest hair of all the bumpkins.
• Well, there was this bloke who managed to pat his head and rub his belly at the same time.
• John Cleese The Prime Minister and former Nazi impressionist (Don't mention zee vor!)
• Pete Chaff - Lyrical Bumpkin.
• Allan Porvic- This Polish bonn Somersetian immigrant invented the concept of the square wheel, and those rings that cows have in their nose (which actually have no use what so ever).
• Alberto Di Siciliano- This Italian American mobster came to Somerset in the late 1940s to escape from Robert De Niro and his goons. He apparently came to Somerset in the hope that the old saying, "where the fuck's Taunton?" would be true. It was, and now Al is the 40th Most Subscribed to Italian Director on YouTube. He also runs a successful hair salon called Dream Cuts which is based in Bridgwater.

Local Events

• The annual "Staring out of windows at random passers by" club (Only for women aged 80+) which is generally followed by
• Synchronised Gossiping- undertaken by the manor folk of Upper Cheddon on the 'nice place to live'/Taunton border
• Church/school/boot/bakery/fruit & veg/too many bloody fairs
• Scrumping