Wellington

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The Beehive is one of the biggest attractions in Wellington. Unfortunately.

Wellington is the capital of New Zealand, famous for its cake tin stadium and its glorious 200km/h 2,000km/h winds. It contains one of the best train stations in New Zealand, and is the preferred location for playing chicken. It has its own mayor, its own airport, and an awful lot of cafes.

But Wellington also sits on top of a highly active fault line. No one remembers who got the brainstorm to put the city there, but despite the recent earthquake in Christchurch (on the South Island), the residents of Wellington remain oblivious to the fact that they too will soon be wiped from the face of the planet.

The world waits to see whether Wellington, Auckland or Christchurch will slide into the ocean before San Francisco due to their completely idiotic locations. Will it be Wellington, easily swallowed one day by the fault line beneath it? Christchurch, which is is a state of reconstruction so the the next earthquake will be much more impressive? Or will it be Auckland, simply crushed by molten rock and ash erupting from surrounding "dormant" volcanoes?

New Zealand's capital

Wellington at night, seen from a distance.

Wellington hosts New Zealand's parliament, a large building called the Beehive, which is also happens to be it's shape. The Beehive is renowned for the grumpy old women who inhabit it who argue constantly about the latest Maori land rights and what has recently been offensive to Maoris.

The Beehive was originally hosted in Auckland, and had the Sky Tower on top of it, but had to be moved down to Wellington due to the fact that people from Invercargill were always late to caucus meetings. The Beehive remained completely intact for about a week, then a large storm came and blew the Sky Tower back up north. It landed in Paeroa. A large debate occurred between Auckland and Paeroa, until, finally, a law was passed that no towns beginning in "P" could have more than one national icon. So they took it back.

Auckland still believe they are the capital city of New Zealand.

Location and geography

Wellington is here.

Wellington is like Auckland but smaller. This gives the locals something to aspire to. The people speak in an indecipherable language called “Unglish, eh”. Wellington is only two kilometres wide so it can be explored easily on foot, or alternatively by Segway if you are that way inclined, though you will look like a dickhead if you do.

In 1988, inspired by Australia's bicentennial celebrations, Wellington's foreshore was the stage for a short-lived campaign to raise funds to fill in Cook Strait, starting with Wellington Harbour, in order to "bruhng the people of New Zealand togither, eh".

There is an area of Wellington referred to as Upper Hutt. It is known as a picturesque location, as long as your definition of picturesque involves excessive drug use, high crime rate, and men, women, and animals whose debatable virtues can be purchased for a handful of loose change, or whatever off-cuts of meat you have available.

Porirua is a town twenty minutes north of Wellington. It is also known as P-Town because it sports some of the nations highest producing P (Methamphetamine) Labs. People and their pet dogs come from miles around to feast at Porirua's renowned 20-floor KFC restaurant. The fact that it is the only source of food in a 15 kilometre radius may be a substantial factor in it's appeal. Porirua is highly respected for its cheap government-owned housing and achievements in break dancing. Due to the closure of Porirua Mental Hospital over a decade ago, the streets are overflowing with mental patients, some of whom now hold local office.

The Kapiti coast is home to the world's largest indigenous population of NZ First voters, as well as a substantial geriatric colony. Unfortunately for visitors to the Wellington region, the commute to the Kapiti coast is a long and arduous one, requiring great stamina, meticulous preparation, and a car radio which can pick up stations other than the Breeze, which will eventually cause you to start eating various parts of your car - such as your windscreen wipers, side-view mirrors or that horrible little fluffy kiwi shaped windscreen-ornament that you picked up for half price in some crappy little souvenir store - out of pure madness. The journey also requires passing through Porirua; most Kapiti coasters have armoured vehicles for this purpose, keeping their doors locked at all times and not slowing down to less than 80 kilometres per hour. Any clinging mental patients - in full or in part - must be wiped off at the checkpoints on Porirua's borders.

The Wairarapa is home to a wide variety of farms and farm-like objects, much like other countries with farms and farm-like objects. It is therefore only of interest to South Koreans, who have never been exposed to the likes of open fields and naturally-coloured green things before.

Arts and culture

New Zealand claims to be the originator of the dessert known as the Pavlova, which is disputed by Australia. This obsession with desserts has lead to the creation of the world's largest cake tin.

Wellington is the arts and culture capital of New Zealand, which is no surprise to anyone who has been to Hamilton, Christchurch or Twizel. It should be noted here that the major cultural exports of New Zealand for the past 20 years have been Russell Crowe, Xena: Warrior Princess, and a handful of extras in the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy.

Wellington is for nature lovers as well as arts and culture enthusiasts. Wellington is not for fat people, neither is it particularly welcoming to ugly ones.

The South Coast is one of Wellington’s most beautiful places. Visit the New Zealand fur seal colony or just watch the waves. Alternatively, you could try going for a swim, if you have a grudge to bear against your testicles.

Oriental Parade is a capitalist's paradise, as diet-Coke swilling "females" parade their immense child-bearing capabilities during excursions from the local institute of Craig Jenny. Their natural displays are a sight to behold as gluttinous substances spill gracefully from the top of their shorts, and small groups of cellulites form elaborate patterns amongst the local thighs.

Mountain bike through native bush at Makara Peak, home of the giant kiwi (3m tall), or hop in your Aquada out to Scorching Bay – the choice is yours. Or visit the gun emplacements at Wright's Hill, where hobbits were imprisoned during the First World War and where Communists go to drink vodka and laugh at boy racers every Friday night as they cruise past in their lowered imported cars, listening to such New Zealand classic hits as Dei Hamo and the Fast Crew.

Discover New Zealand’s heritage in Wellington. The city is home to the Parliament Buildings, known internationally as the Graad because of its deep voices, Gothic Architecture and high level of dental defects. The city also boasts many fascinating museums and abandoned buildings, which tell the story of New Zealand in phonetics, pictograms, braille and graffiti.

Museums and cultural institutions

Andy Serkis in his most famous role to date, playing a resident of Upper Hutt

• Karori Wildlife Sanctuary: This massive fortress was designed to harbor all the useless but cuddly creatures that we can find, plus many a zombie plan revolves around getting in and finding a big stick.

• Te Papa: Te Papa (translated "Oom-pah-pah") is the city's vibrant museum and national theme park, famous for its anchor in the entrance hallway, which was put there by Maui (the motor-home company) because there was a free spot. Teenagers of Wellington are often found at Te Papa stealing wheelchairs for use around various races in the town. These circuits include "Down Cuba," "Public Parking Buildings" and the "Mount Victoria Run". Te Papa is on the waterfront, and not suitable for those who believe in earthquakes. Walk to Te Papa from a central city restaurant or bar and stop for a leak at a local fashion store or an art gallery on the way, remembering that there is a liquor ban in the central city and the fuzz must be avoided at all costs. In the foyer of Tee Parpa a large stone ball can be rolled around in a puddle. This has been know to imprison children for well over a year.

• Westpac Stadium: The Westpac Stadium is a reason to come to Wellington, albeit not a very rational one. It was named The Westpac Stadium after the local Westpac Dog Food company donated 20,000 tins of its product to be eaten during the opening ceremony. The Stadium is the most accessible place in New Zealand, being near the airport, train station, bus stop, and harbour; it also contains its own carpark, helipad, and space shuttle landing zone. It is also said that the cake tin can be seen from the moon if you are standing on one leg, naked in a space suit trying to rub your stomach, pat your head and drawing circles with your foot in the air, though why anyone would attempt this is beyond stupidity.

Festivals

Festivals and events are held here throughout the year. A highlight is the biennial New Zealand International Arts Festival – a month long arts festival. This is surpassed only by the weekly "homeless appreciation fair" held in Cuba Mall, as well as the many manifestations of Imperial power seen on Lambton Quay as the government-sponsored parades make their way down the main shopping street. Another recent, but now annual, event is the yearly "Andy Serkis Appreciation Parade" held in early December, in which the actor is borne on a litter down a sea of approximately 500,000 tourists who've come especially for the event, then deposited at the front doors of a small movie theatre owned by good friend and famous mid-deep wicket Peter Jackson, where the two watch a three-hour remake of a Ralph Bakshi film, or a documentary on native apes of the Upper Hutt.

Shopping

For the Wellington thrill seeker, you can't go past the cable car, travelling at a huge 4 kilometres an hour.

Wellington has excellent shopping, professional theatre and cafes and restaurants all close to untouched children, and a fairly unhealthy dose of empty Starbucks cups litter the streets as well.

Transportation

See also Wellington Cable Car

The Wellington Cable Car is the primary mode of transportation in Wellington. It is also known as the glorious turd mover of the asshole of the world by the Australians, which charges ridiculously high prices for distances that can be walked by a grandma in 5 minutes.

The Wellington city council is planning on building a large flying fox from Victoria University down to the CBD. Students have long been complaining about having to walk all the way down a big hill to get to the shops so the council has decided to build this marvellous contraption. It will be completed mid 2014 and cost $5 a ride. However, complaints have been soaring in as this flying fox will travel at a maximum 5 kilometres an hour - far too fast for most Wellingtonians.