HowTo:Fight insomnia

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The Problem Is Worldwide

It is estimated that over 30% of the UK’s population suffers with insomnia, homosexualism, sadness or fur loss, causing a number of physical ailments including daytime television, philosophy, and criminal behaviour. Over 40% of the Libyan population suffers with discontent, insomnia, and hysteria. Over 34% of the US population suffers obesity, mathematics, and insomnia. Over 12% of Bactrian camels suffer from bezoar stones. And 25% of statisticians suffer from statistical anomalies.

The problem is, many of these camels statisticians don't realise what's causing their insomnia or how to cure it. There are a variety of factors which can be preventing a good night's sleep: stress, health disorders, bad eating habits, bezoar stones, extreme over-tiredness, phantom limb pain, psychotic delusions, room-mate snore, someone trying to awaken you, television, radio, books, jumping, forgetting to go to bed, being yelled at, and frenetic dyscouchism.

The question is: how do we tackle these problems? The answer is, At the knees, always! Always, always tackle at the knees. If you try to tackle a problem at shoulder height it will straight-arm you and you will never get to sleep.

Here are a few simple tips which can work mini-miracles

1. Go to bed and get up at the same time every day, even at the weekend. As Ben Franklin said, "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man want to hang himself." As Dorothy Parker said, "A man who's early to bed and quick to get up makes a girl happy."

2. Try eating a high carbohydrate, low protein snack approximately 1 hour before going to bed. Many recommend 20 pecan pies, a gallon of mashed potatoes, and a quart of Wild Grandad™ whiskey. Or you can eat a Scotsman. They have a layer of blubbery goodness which makes them a perfect high-carb snack.

3. Avoid exercise at least 3-4 hours before going to bed. Better, avoid exercise altogether. In fact, both your heart muscle and your lungs are exercising most of the time. Stop both and you will go right to sleep.

4. Avoid caffeine or alcohol at least six hours before going to bed. Also avoid LSD, crack cocaine, Ecstasy™, magic mushrooms, gunpowder, kittens, impalement, and Irishwomen for at least six hours before going to bed. (Although some may claim that alcohol helps them to sleep, it actually interferes with the brain's sleep cycle and the major benefits of sleep are lost. You do not sleep well when you are laying in a puddle of rancid beer puke. And the same goes for Irishwomen. In fact, laying in a puddle of rancid Irishwomen is illegal outside Ireland.)

5. Try and get at least 30 minutes of exercise every day. If you cannot exercise, try napping. If you can't nap, try exercising. If you can't exercise before a nap try taking a catnap before exercising before your nap.

6. If you can't get to sleep after half an hour, get up and do something such as conquering France, Mexican dancing, trampolining, flying to the moon, or attaining enlightenment.

7. Avoid reading or watching anything alerting or thrilling straight before going to sleep. If you are thrilled by life itself, try dying before you go to sleep. If it's almost time to go to bed, but you are wasting your time on a lame site like Uncyclopedia, for instance, you know you just failed at step 7. Turn off the computer or anything that uses electricity right now, especially street lamps, roadsigns, clublights, the stock market, and central heating.

8. If you feel extremely tired in the morning, you should take the day off school or work as you will only become stressed and worsen your situation. Just keep sleeping. Sleep. Just crawl under the covers and forget job, forget school, forget your family....you disgusting, irresponsible, lazy slug-a-bed.

9. Make sure you sleep in a comfortable position. Bats sleep hanging from the ceiling. Try that. Or do like a shark -- immerse yourself in 50 fathoms of water and try to stay there all night. You can also make like a laysan albatross and sleep while flying across the North Pacific.

10. Make yourself a 'worry book' in which to write your psychotic fantasies and evil thoughts. This will clear your mind of worries before going to sleep -- either that or you will become obsessed with it and unable to think of anything but rewriting polishing editing rewriting the worry book.. When you cannot go straight to sleep, use the book to pound your own forehead.

11. Try Facebook stalking your most-missed ex-girlfriend and send her a letter telling her your deepest sexual desires. This will not only increase your street rep and sex appeal, but you will also receive plenty of death threats from her present boyfriend. If the stress doesn't send you to sleep, then he will.

If you are still experiencing trouble getting a good night's sleep after a month, you should visit an undertaker. He will most likely prescribe potassium cyanide, dancing, belladonna, strychnine, or drowning.

Sweet and sour dreams!