Pierre Fermat

Pierre Fermat: with a potato overdose.

“I have a great idea to show who Pierre Fermat is, but I don't have enough space in the interweb thing”

~ Oscar Wilde

Pierre Fermat (1812-1988) was born in Anchorage, Alaska as a result of the Great Orgy of 1811. He was a dainty fellow with fluffy white plumage, who was said to come out of hiding in the early dusk when the cock would crow -- or maybe it was the dawn. Perhaps best known for co-plagiarising the "1812 Overture", Pierre's father, Hermann Munster Fermat, was a coal miner born during the Aleutian Potato Famine. Sickly in nature, Hermann was forced to frequent brothels, because he was very handsome (according to some). Others say he had a slight harelip, some allege that he had a mustache, everybody agrees that he had a nose. Very little is known about his mother, or whether he had one, since he was born 'motherless'.

According to local legend, Pierre is said to have "sprung from his father's head" along with the legendary Zeus, Mercury, and Pee Wee Herman, although this allegation could be incorrect; a coffee spill could have smudged the word "loins", making it look like "head".

Some people ask: what is Pierre Fermat? who is Pierre de Fermat? He is the one and same person, and if necessary these idiots can read the preceding paragraphs over and over again until they reach enlightenment.

The Early Years

Fermat worked his way through high school by selling used toothpicks on the streets of Hudson, Missouri. However, his potato obsession got the better of him and he ended up on the wrong side of the tracks, although he would stick potatoes in his but he was also anally gay for the rest of his life. In a frighteningly short time, he became addicted to potatoes, and squandered his 'used toothpick' fortune on 1,000 tons of tater tots ¹. During this sad part of his life, he began solving mathematical problems on the streets of Hudson in exchange for small bags of Charles Chips.

In 1828, his "services" were solicited by leading chicken farmer Colonel Sanders ², who had a peculiar and perverted need for Fermat's mathematical talents. Sanders would visit with Fermat on a weekly basis, and would always bring a large canister of chips or potato sticks, and a "family size" bucket of KFC. Feeling revived and energised, Fermat immediately converted to Buddhism and took some spinning and elocution classes. It was during this period that he wrote his Last Theorem. Ironically, he would later write several others, and came to regret calling this one his "last". It may even have been his first, but that doesn't sound very interesting.

Fermat's Last Theorem

This famous theorem states that for every number $n>2$ there are infinitely many natural numbers not necessarily different from each other $a_{1},a_{1},...$ such that for every $\epsilon >0$ there exists enough books with $n$ pages with margins wide enough in the page $a_{i}$ so you can become famous for a theorem written there by you without proof and such that its solution is not discovered $1/\epsilon$ years after you state the theorem.

Proof

By induction in $n$. For $n=3$ it is proved by the well known Pythagoras theorem that states that for every $k>2$ there is no non-trivial integer solutions of the equation $a^{k}+b^{k}=c^{k}$ Suppose the theorem is true for some number $n>2$ and let $T$ be an arbitrary number. Since it is arbitrary it will tell you that the theorem is true -- $QED$

The details are left to the reader ³, since this is a family article, safe for work.

Some Very Important Stuff He Did

Although his spastic colon prevented him from fulfilling his lifelong goal of becoming an airline stewardess, Fermat was able to become a professor of mathematics in some Frog backwater . Hired in 1952, at the ripe old age of 140, he proved himself in the hallowed halls of DeGrassi Junior High, and was able to work his way up to become a physics teacher. In 1954, he succeeded in proving to nine decimal places that the world was theoretically flat. This calculation has since been discredited, as it involved several instances of dividing by zero.

Fermat died in 1988, drunken and alone in a strip club in Waco, Texas. His body was exhumed two years later by Michael Jackson for use as spare parts in an attempt to rehabilitate his collapsing nose (Jackson's, not Fermat's) .

In addition to his Last Theorem, Fermat is credited with the invention of KFC's popular "popcorn chicken", the "pet rock", and suntan lotion. Also notable is his 1982 cameo on "Diff'rent Strokes" (as Tootie), and his 2002 posthumous appearance on MTV's "Pimp My Ride".

Notable Inventions

• Bifocals ⁴
• The aqualung
• Cheese
• The nose hair trimmer
• The "adult" section of the video store

Notes

1. Fermat's potato addiction is often attributed to his father's having been born during the Aleutian Potato Famine. His father often saw potatoes go without eating for days, which was very traumatic.
2. See Garlan Alexandrovich Chekin.
3. See Extremely Complicated Mathematical Stuff (With Detailed Proofs) (1st Edition, 1988, by Alexander Kasperov, 192 pages, Harcourt, Brace, and Stinkonovich) for a detailed proof.
4. This is usually attributed to Ben Franklin, but in reality Franklin just copied Fermat's idea. The two look very similar (except for the bifocals and the lightning strike), and so everyone believed Franklin.
5. one of the most useful inventions that he thought worked very well for him was the vibrator.
6. Fermat's 410th birthday was celebrated by Google, who on the 17/08/2011 made him their Google Doodle.