Driver's License in the World Religions
A Driver's License in the World Religions is an item, whose importance and use are reflected in all organized religions.
Judaism[edit]
The Jewish nation was leaving Egypt in a hurry and so Moses forgot to take his driver's license with him. Because of this, God called him forth to Mt. Sinai and there issued him a new license. It consisted of two stone tablets, weighted approx. half ton and ten articles from the traffic code were chiseled on it. God forbade putting a photograph on the Driver's License. In commemoration of this event, each synagogue displays a copy of Moses' license.
After settling in the Promised land the Jews stopped concerning for their licenses, thus the Prophets came and warned their coevals, that in the Babel capture they will need a driver's license.
Christianity[edit]
John the Baptist announced: Prepare ye the Driver's Licenses, make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Jesus declared about himself: I am the Driver's License, Way, Truth and Life. However, from the Gospels we know that Jesus entered Jerusalem on the donkey without any driver's license. Because of that, he was crucified. The apostles thus impugned the necessity of a driver's license and their mission travels were made in principle without a driver's license. Most of them were also captured and executed.
Later the christian scholars changed their opinion on driver's licenses. St. Augustin speculated, whether people in the Paradise will have their driver's licenses. St. Gregor the Great postulated the necessity of a driver's license for salvation.
Martin Luther, together with other reformers, came with a claim that in the driver's license can be written only thing, which are in Bible.
Jehovah's Witnesses[edit]
Jehovah's Witnesses reject the diver's license, because believer's mission is to stand in the underpass and preach the gospel. Further they allege, that in the millennium kingdom, where everyone who joins their organization and rejects all books and films and reads only the Watchtower will have his place and where the lions will eat only grass, no driver's license will be needed. Thus, in anticipation of the upcoming world's end, they don't make any driving tests and go on foot.
Baptism[edit]
The Baptists allow owning of driver's licenses only to people aged 21 years and over, who have went through pastorate discussion called "Driver's License and my Faith", were baptized by diving into non-chlorinated water disinfected with bleach in ratio 1 liter of bleach to 139 liters of water and who have had no premarital sex. Freshly obtained license must also be baptized by diving into water.
Seventh day Adventists[edit]
Adventists say that sister White mentions the driver's license nowhere in her texts and so make no concern over them.
Salvation Army[edit]
The Salvation Army demands on it's ordinary members (soldiers) to own a passenger class driving license, in order to be able to deliver Campbell Soups around all the neglected corners of the city. Officers must be equipped with higher class licenses:
- Lieutenants must have class B Commercial Driver License
- Captains must have class A and B CDL
- Mayors must have class A and B CDL together with excavator operation course
- Colonels are already in the age, when driving is no longer safe, indeed they have all the classes of Driver's License, excavator and crane operation courses, but they can sit at the driving wheel only as escorts of a young female soldier
- There is only one General in the SA. As most other super-prominences, he is above all rules, laws and principles, thus he needs no driver's license, he is driven around in a service car with a chauffeur.
Islam[edit]
Muhammad preaches that each Muslim has to kneel with his camel driver's license five times each day in the direction of Mecca.
Females can own a driver's license only in the Sunnite branch of Islam, conversely Shi'ite scholars forbid it to females. On the contrary, a Shi'ite man has to own the same number of driver's licenses as the number of his wives.
The Board of the Highest Ayatollahs of Islamic Republic of Iran has recently issued a Fatwa stating that the driver of any motor vehicle must be equipped with a Camel driver's License.
Hinduism[edit]
Hindus state, that every soul needs only one license for all her reincarnations. Because of that, they only seldom apply for the licenses and when stopped by a traffic watch they allege that they have had a driver's license in one of their past lives. If the policeman is also Hindu, he sees this argument as entirely logical and doesn't demand producing it. If he is Muslim, he asks for a bribe, if he is Christian, he gives the driver a copy of the Gideon Bible, if he is a Jehovah's Witness, he gives him the last issue of the Watchtower, if he is Marxist, he first asks for a bribe and then incriminates him of trying to bribe the police.
Hare Krishna Movement[edit]
The Hare Krishna movement forbids owning both a car and a driver's license, because their values both exceed too much the value of a wooden food basin. The only exception is a collectively owned car, being driven by at least three brothers at once, equiped with a collective driver's license. It is necessary to repeat constantly the following mantra: Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare and to jiggle in a rhythmical and synchronized manner on the seats for the car to dance Kirtan.
Guaranga Movement[edit]
These guys are everywhere, and even have thier own country.
Marxism-Leninism[edit]
Karl Marx has turned the Driver's License upside down. He has written that it is a law of historical evolution that the exploitation of driver's licenses will be obviated by a revolutionary way. V.I. Lenin has announced the equation Driver's License + Lada = Communism. But J.V. Stalin has declared that for driving a tank one doesn't need any driver's licenses. Nikita Khrushchev has nevertheless in year 1956 equipped Soviet tank drivers going to Hungary with Driver's Licenses.
Rastafarianism[edit]
Rastafarians don't approve driver's licenses. According to them smoking two joints is enough to drive a car.
Zen Buddhists[edit]
Zen Buddhists honour only driver's licenses made of bronze in the shape of a gong tuned to the note Contra A. However the offset group of Ben Buddhists (followers of Stillerism) have made it so that no one may drive a car unless they have attained enblightenment.
Mormons[edit]
The Church of Jesus Christ Last days Saints' allows male members to drive a motor vehicle only in the company of all their wives, who before the ride check, if he has undergarment from one piece of cloth. The license must be copied on this garment with a mirror script. On the Mormon driver's license must be stated all forebears of the driver from the year 1776, when the United States of America were founded.