Daniel Brandt (non-person)
Daniel Brandt is that rarest of all living people: A complete non-entity, a man who has been variously referred to in the popular press as a "nobody," a "non-notable nothing," and a "non-person." There is no information about him available anywhere, and no person, living or dead, has actually seen him, heard his voice, or even heard of him. Despite the best efforts of investigative reporters worldwide, not one shred of evidence has been found to support the claim that Daniel Brandt even exists, and as a result, Brandt has become the subject of an exhaustive international search by an unprecedented cooperative consortium of journalists, law-enforcement authorities, academics, and teenage geeks on the internet with skin problems.
Early Years[edit]
It is generally believed among the "Brandt Exists" community that Brandt was born, although the date, place, and nature of his birth are still a complete mystery. Moreover, there is no evidence whatsoever that Brandt had either a mother or father, leading some to conclude that he simply "sprang forth" from a nebulous mist outside of time itself, possibly located near a black hole in another galaxy. Whether or not he attended school is also the subject of some controversy. It is assumed by many that Brandt, having done nothing of any consequence whatsoever and having completely failed to do or achieve anything of interest to anyone, must not have attended school at all. Furthermore, these individuals argue that had he done so, there would have been some record of his having attended an educational institution of some kind, assuming the institution actually existed and kept actual records. But since no record of anyone by the name of "Daniel Brandt" has been found for any educational institution throughout the history of the world, the "Brandt Doesn't Exist" movement has held sway in this area since the controversy began.
Career Highlights[edit]
Brandt is said to have held a variety of nonexistent jobs in a wide range of imaginary professions. Supposedly, at one point he was the wardrobe consultant to the emperor who had no clothes, and later an image consultant for the Wizard of Oz, during which time he may or may not have invented the "cloaking device" used later by the Romulan Battle Fleet, an experimental design that was later scrapped in favor of a cloaking device made by a more notable person. Others have claimed that Brandt was a ghostwriter for author Ralph Ellison, as well as Kevin Bacon's stunt double in the film Hollow Man. None of these claims have ever been authenticated, however, and indeed, there is virtually no evidence suggesting that Brandt has ever been employed by anyone at all, since all efforts to contact possible former employers using vaguely-worded innuendoes sent by cryptically-named Gmail accounts yielded no replies whatsoever.
Even more interestingly, Brandt's name has never appeared on the results-pages of any Internet search engine, seemingly since the original invention of the internet by Al Gore in 1992. To this day, entering the name "Daniel Brandt" into Google, Yahoo, Bing, or any other website simply produces a "no results found" page, and depending on the time of day, may cause the entire internet to completely shut down. Developers from various IT companies and service providers are investigating the problem, and hope to find a solution by the third quarter of 2056.
Despite a mounting lack of evidence to support the theory, sources within an unnamed media organization have suggested that Brandt actually owns the internet outright, and that everyone who uses it is merely a "sock puppet" of Brandt himself. However, when asked for confirmation as to whether or not they were actually Brandt, everyone on the internet said "no," except for a handful of recalcitrant individuals in Iowa who refused to respond, and were subsequently banned by the "King of the Internet."
Controversy[edit]
As might have been expected, a massive controversy surrounding the total inability of news and governmental organizations to obtain information about Brandt began as early as March of 2005, when the editors of an obscure, soon-to-be-defunct publicly editable website complained bitterly to anyone who would listen that Brandt should be considered "notable," due to the extraordinary degree to which available information about him is lacking. However, members of the Brandt Doesn't Exist Worldwide Conspiracy Working Group (BDEWCWG) have stated categorically that this should not be considered sufficient grounds for initiating potentially invasive efforts to confirm his existence, unless those efforts involve obtaining detailed photographs of women with large, floppy breasts.
Shortly after the controversy began, however, members of the "Brandt Exists" community organized a massive protest demonstration, known as the Millions-Banned March, in which several dozen individuals wearing paper bags over their heads descended on Washington, DC with large signs reading "I maed a yuky doody." Once ensconced on the National Mall, they proceeded to whinge a great deal, and complain about the impossibility of finding a decent sandwich in the city's downtown area.
Quotes[edit]
Brandt has been quoted many times in the press, although efforts to substantiate these statements have all completely failed.
- "Don't quote me on this, but Wikipedia and Google basically suck monkey wang."
- "I hate anything on the internet that purports to be beneficial, and yet somehow I still manage to put my shoes on in the morning without professional assistance."
- "Who am I, you ask? Why do you ask? Who are you?"
- "Really, who are you? Because you know I'm going to find out one way or another. You might as well just tell me. Also, please send me the ugliest photograph of yourself you can find, you know... as a keepsake."
- "I didn't actually say this, I was just making up 'Anonymous' quotes one day and somebody had a tape recorder on."
- "Needless to say, I destroyed the tape. Oh, and I also destroyed the recorder. Then I, uh, destroyed some other stuff too, like the guy who owned the tape recorder. Oh, and I also made a big mess in his bathroom, just so he'd know I meant business."
- "I sure showed him, huh."
- "The lunatics may be running the asylum, but at least I can finally eat my breakfast cereal in peace."
See also[edit]
| Part of the Daniel Brandt Series |
| Wikipersecution Complex, Daniel Brandt (True Version), Brandtopedia, Daniel Brandt (non-person), Daniel Brandt (video game) |