Cheese Famine

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“Never has so tragic a tragedy ever happened as the cheese famine.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“I wish I had some cheese.”

~ Winston Churchill

“Fuckin Cheese....”

~ Mark Twain

The Cheese Famine of 1823 was an evil act caused by the evil pixies of Penzance, Cornwall. The entire world had to last for ten months without cheese. Even Stilton was non-existent! How terrible! I mean, how on Earth can the whole world survive FOR TEN WHOLE MONTHS without Stilton?


Ever since they were all invented by Al Gore in 12 A.C., pixies have been drunk out of their minds, and thus, content. But one day, Killer Lawyers sued them for forging parking permits, so they had to lose all their beer as a settlement. So the next morning they had the worst hang-overs.

Fortunately, their leader, Phil the Pixie, told them that cheese would cure their headaches. But really, Phil just wanted all the cheese for himself so he could control the universe. (Because the universe is cheese, remember?)

In Soviet Russia...yeah, you know the rest.

But fortunately, that was in an alternate universe. When our giant pixies attacked, we had vacuum cleaners ready to go, thanks to the remarkable foresight of Sophia. We sucked 'um all up in there, and then they died.

But that was in yet another alternate universe when, really, our giant pixies attacked, we had just enough vacuum cleaners to kill them all, except Phil, (not Phil the Pixie, the other one) who had had just enough time to steal ALL THE CHEESE FOR TEN MONTHS.

Life During the Famine[edit]

Children had to cease their playing of endearing lunchtime games such as hide and go cheddar, peek-a-brie, and duck duck edam. Anyone who had acquired a superficial role of responsibility for their family allied together and went on strike against the unjust godly forces who had caused the occurrence of the famine, thus readjusting the average age of humans from 47 to 12. Those remaining were unable to care for the crops, and lived off arachnids and tinned beans for 18 months, before the last child passed away on Christmas Eve.

All except for those wise folks at Microsoft, who, twelve years before even the threat of pixies, had been paranoid enough to build a Bomb Cheese Shelter along with its Bomb Onion Shelter and Bomb Cow Shelter. (The purpose of course, for these shelters, (which occupied the entirety of the state of Washington) was to make sure that Bill Gates wouldn't die in a Cheese, Onion, or Cow famine.) Bill let 42 people into the shelter with him, and they had a ten-month-long SUPER DOOPER pimps and hos party! And then they re-populated the Earth through cloning.

Precursor Famine in Brittan[edit]

Before the cheese famine struck the Americas, cheese in Britain was also endangered. As candles became a more popular comodity, new methods of extracting wax from the righ waxy pelts of the wild cheeses were introduced into the populace. With the advent of new wax refining technology, the cheese was hunted to near extinction. To this day, in parts of Britain, there are those who still use imitation wax in remembrance of the time when the cheese was hunted to near extinction for its rich waxy pelt.

Life After the Famine[edit]

Most people after the famine are either alive, dead, or undead. There are some cars, and there is plenty of cheese for everybody (Some people even have cheese-cars). And all the evil pixies are dead, though some sources say that a small faction of pixies are still alive, lying low and gathering strength for the sequel, Cheese Famine 2: A Whole new Dubliner.

The pixies concerned[edit]

The pixies were all three feet tall and three toes wide. They had lilac faces and bright pink hair with yellow spots. They had twenty-seven grey eyes and three blue noses. They all spoke like Margaret Thatcher stuffed with cheese.

Soon after the cheese famine, many of the world's greatest scientists tried to bring rotten cheese back to life in order to eat it. Unfortunately, their experiments went from bad to evil as the cheeses came back, they smelled funny. They first introduced the cheese to mice, with terrible results.

That was the worst year in history, the years soon after would share in the plague, until a brave scientist named Georgy Ice creamed the cheese into what he called Icecream.

The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses
*Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"