California Highway Patrol
The California Highway Patrol, or “CHiPs”, is a division of law enforcement in the United States and its jurisdiction is mainly focused on, but not limited to, the numerous Highways, Interstates and numbered routes which are located in the state of California.
Why should I join the California Highway Patrol?
Any neanderthal who can swing a billy club can become a police officer but when you’re a CHiP you’re not just some dumb ass city cop, you’re part of the California Highway Patrol! Ordinary city schmucks get to deal with those unruly domestic disputes which feature couples spitting at each other and other mundane squabbles of suburbia but the only time you get involved with those calls is when you’re backing up the city guys when they can’t handle something. That makes you the freakin’ hero! Plus, this is California dude - It’s absolutely awesome here for more reasons than you can possibly imagine!
Authority
Can you say “Prima facie” evidence? You don’t actually need to be able to pronounce that because the only thing that matters is the fact that you have a very powerful tool at your disposal. Essentially, anything that you say in a court of law is considered indisputable fact until proven otherwise. You might as well have descended from Mt Sinai with the Ten Commandments! Authority is totally cool and absolutely the best thing about being a police officer.
Fancy Cars
Can you say Dodge Charger? Can you say Chevrolet Camaro? Can you say Porsche 987? Can you say Ford Mustang? Yeah, I thought you could. It won’t be long before you’re cruising in one of these mega-awesome cars yourself! People watch those “reality” shows like COPS on television and see the standard Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptors smashing into fleeing perps but those are just actors in stock cars and the whole thing has been faked. Nobody runs from the California Highway Patrol! When they see that totally rad Charger screaming up from behind them at 150MPH they’re not going to run, they’re going to pull over and check out that bad boy! You can pop open the hood and pose while you’re writing them a ticket! People will thank you!
Hot Chicks
There’s no division of law enforcement that encounters as many tits and asses as the Highway Patrol. There’s no other state in America that has as many hot girls with large breasts that will do anything to avoid getting yet another ticket as California. It’s like your own personal “Girls Gone Wild” video with sexy traffic scofflaws showing you the goods and kissing their hot girlfriends in the back of the Camaro while you watch.
Arresting Celebrities
Why keep looking at those pictures of Britney Spears crotch online when you could be staring at her beaver in person as a member of the California Highway Patrol? California is crawling with celebrities that you can play hardball with! It’s your job to remind them that they’re no better than the other peon citizens you hassle. Plus, you get the opportunity to provide direct feedback to individuals who fail to entertain you properly. Sign up today, arrest Gary Busey tomorrow! California also features more professional sports franchises (Padres, Angels, Dodgers, A’s, Giants, Chargers, Raiders, 49ers, Warriors, Lakers, Clippers, Kings, Kings, Ducks, Sharks and soccer doesn’t count) than any other state in the union so your chances of getting even with an athlete who’s been instrumental in your sports betting losses are excellent.
Pulling People Over
When you’re not busy doing endless public relations appearances in front of swooning crowds, your flex time will be spent pulling people over to the side of the road for whatever reason. There’s literally hundreds of anal retentive regulations on the books that provide you with a legitimate excuse to pull any car over at any time but there’s no point in remembering all of that stuff when two simple words, “erratic driving”, will suffice. When you’re bored and just trying to kill some time, it’s always fun to drive 5 feet behind a “suspect vehicle” and follow them until someone in the car makes a “furtive movement” or actually engages in “erratic driving” before pulling them over. If anyone gives you a hard time, just taser them. It’s like they’re privately dancing just for you when the voltage hits their nervous system!
Nabbing Speeders
Standing on the side of the road, in uniform, with a fancy laser gun makes you look totally cool. You can even stand there pointing a hair dryer and ordinary laypeople won’t know the difference. The great thing about speeders is they give you the opportunity to lay down some serious rubber and smoke the tires after they pass your speed trap. Make sure to have one of the CHP’s helicopters available to help estimate the length of your burner and the time for your vehicle to reach 100MPH from a stand-still - It’s best to have witnesses before you happy dance in front of all the other patrolmen back at the office. On casual Friday just enter the freeway and pull over whoever is driving in the fast lane. Everyone drives at least 10 miles over the speed limit in the fast lane, so the appearance of propriety is really unnecessary.
Finding Drunk Drivers
Having driven while intoxicated many times yourself will you give you an advantage in spotting the inebriated driver. Cadets who’ve managed to previously operate a vehicle under the influence of a wide variety of drugs in different conditions will have the necessary familiarity to immediately recognize a driver who’s over the limit - not to mention knowing what the driver has been drinking, smoking, snorting or taking before they even get out of the patrol car. Don’t be discouraged if you lack that prior experience because pulling over drunks in California is as simple as finding a cowboy hat wearing Mexican driving a van or small truck.
Finding Drugs
Californians, in general, love their drugs just as much as you do and the people who can supply you with the best stash are easy to find. Need some quick crack? Just hook up with some young African American males. For large quantities of powder cocaine, stick to the areas where celebrities, snotty rich people and their kids live. Celebrities are also well known for having Heroin. Cars with excessive bumper stickers that worship death metal bands are more than likely to contain methamphetamine. If PCP is your bag, just pull over a Low Rider filled with Mexicans. If you end up stationed in the Northern California area, far away from the excitement of Los Angeles, you'll be in the area more commonly known as the Emerald Triangle. Forget about all that British Columbia bud and other hydroponic adventures, the best marijuana in the world is grown in Humboldt County and the surrounding environs. Hippies are everywhere and not only do they have that killer weed, they're also a great source for various types of hallucinogens like mushrooms, LSD and Peyote. Typically, you can spot a hippie by the tye dye accessories they will normally wear but some of them are sneakier. Peace signs, long hair or sandals may all be considered positive signs that you have a hippie and therefore a bitchin' stash of high quality drugs in their vehicle.
Quotas
It's a common perception that the California Highway Patrol, like other law enforcement agencies, has a quota for it's officers to write a mandatory number of tickets per month. This assertion is entirely true false. There are no quotas. You will not be required to write at least 100 tickets per month to avoid getting sent to a secret disciplinary hearing with hooded judges. You will also not have your pay reduced for the following month as well as being forced into appearing at PR events held at grade schools instead of the local colleges filled with hot young girls that will squeal and ask for your business card. You will also not be assigned to patrol the most rural parts of the state where nothing interesting happens and nobody has any money or drugs to steal.
Can I Get Killed Doing This?
Of course you can get killed doing this, just like any other job. We're all going to die anyway, right? Just watch TV for a couple weeks and you'll be informed of the numerous ways in which you may perish at any time. Look out, it's a twister! Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or from complications related to your continued ingestion of liquids from bottles made with BPA? So, what's it going to be? Life is dangerous no matter how you look at it but as a member of the California Highway Patrol that danger comes with perks unavailable anywhere else. Just think about all those sweet ass-kickings you'll be delivering to those smartass drunks and know-it-all kids. However, the constant threat remains of meth addicts attacking men in uniform. With all of these losses, we'll always be recruiting average joes like you.
Relax, Have A Doughnut!
The California Highway Patrol takes care of it's own. If anybody pisses you off, we have access to the information you'll need to stalk investigate anyone you want. It's a fraternity. Everyone knows about the blue code of silence but that doesn't mean it's not a friendly competition too. Awards go out to the officers with the most creative arrest for the week and the winners get a free trip to the evidence locker for a prize. There's a never ending supply of firearms taken from celebrities and drug dealers to go around, that's for sure. Best of all, the doughnuts and coffee are always free no matter where you go. Just look for the fleet of CHP Camaros parked out in front of any eating establishment and that's a good sign that special service awaits inside. Hey, with the California Highway Patrol, you're family!
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Featured version: 26 February 2010 |
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