Asian Black Bear
| Asian Black Bear | |
|---|---|
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| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Asia |
| Phylum | Chordata |
| Class | Warrior/Thief/Assassin |
| Order | Beararchy |
| Family | Teddy Bear, Polar Bear & Bipolar Bear[1] |
| Genus | Ursus |
| Species | Ursus Eximius-vir |
| Binomial name | |
| Unknown[2] | |
| Specifications | |
| Primary armament | Super-strength Jaw Bite |
| Secondary armament | Super-strength bitch slap |
| Power supply | Bio-regenerative Chemical Reactor |
| Health | Does not anticipate being hit |
| Mana | Does not need mana |
| Strength | of a bear! |
| Intelligence | more than <insert name here> |
| Weight | a freakin' ton |
| Length | very... long |
| Special attack | SUPER BEAR MAUL |
| Conservation status | |
| None whatsoever[3] | |
“A hero; not the hero that we deserved, but the hero that we needed. So we’ll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector, an Asian Black Bear.”
The Asian Black Bear (Ursus Eximius-vir), bears a white crescent "V" emblem on his chest, as well as sporting Mickey Mouse ears after losing his in an unfortunate accident.
Birth[edit]
Asian Black Bear was born into a family of panda bears. His overall black appearance was not well received by the rest of the community, and he was separated from the rest of the clan. His mother, unable to bear with the accusations, fell into depression, and committed suicide. His grandfather, the wise and noble Giant panda, pointed to Asian's chest and the small patch of whiteness on his chest, and declared him a panda
Childhood[edit]
As any watcher of cheesy 80s movies will know[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much], a black kid growing up in a black-white neighbourhood will have it tough growing up. Even so, Asian Black Bear persisted and learned all the arts of a ninja from his grandfather, the wise and venerable Giant panda[4]
Youth[edit]
In his youth, Asian was trained vigorously by his grandfather. Various balance training involves snakes, pits of sharpened stakes, pits of Sharpies, pits, of snakes, pits of a legion of Slivers, armpits, and pits. It is, however, a pity that he is never allowed to piss when he is training over the pits for fear of spit, for he was not told the tips.
Approaching Adulthood[edit]
Asian started to develop his personality and street cred at this stage of life. He started listening to gangsta rap, packing a piece and walking with a swagger. He even started asking his friends to call him DJ AB Bear. Despite all this, he failed to attract any bitches because he is too black.[citation needed]
Pre-Adulthood[edit]
After developing his emo style, DJ AB Bear started downloading music from teh interweb, much to the chagrin of his grandfather, who claimed that music will only bring evil to the clan. Meanwhile Asian Black Bear continued his activity, culminating in him mastering the art of pirating.
Near Adulthood[edit]
Tragedy struck one day in the Panda community, when poachers came with guns and traps to hunt down Pandas for alleged copyright infringement. Citing infringement on Mickey's Ears™, the poachers hunted down the pandas to near extinction and drove the survivors out of their preferred habitats into zoos. Asian Black Bear was captured by an elite task force lead by a Man that thought they were dealing with terrorist.[5] Jack Bauer, remorseful that he mistakenly killed all of Asian Black Bear's family, decided to teach all the skills Jack used in CTU.
On the Verge of Adulthood[edit]
After training several years with God, Asian Black Bear decided to finally get his revenge. He tattooed his chest with a symbol of "V", which he believed meant vengeance[citation needed]. He marched solo up to RIAA's headquarters all alone, by himself and single-handedly got his ass handed to him with no other allies around him[6]. In response RIAA officials fined him $200/song and tried to lock him up. He escaped after wrestling the security guards, but due to fear of further copyright infringement, he refrained from making any Braveheart references.
Cusp of Adulthood[edit]
Running from the law, Asian Black Bear covered up his trail by assuming several pseudonyms, like Asian B. Bear or A. Black Bear. The RIAA sent assassins to kill him
