Amy Poehler
Amy Poehler (born September 16, 1971) is an American actress who is the result of Hollywood's demented, ongoing experiment to crossbreed nerds and hot chicks. Though it was a scientific-biological success, she found that she had the worst of both worlds on a date. Most in Hollywood describe her as a writer who writes comedy, and not a Hollywood comedian who happens to write because it essentially only made her enter the American consciousness as Hillary Clinton Lite.
Saturday Night Live was not enough, and it drove her to madness, as she lashed out at the world that could not accept her world domination for its own sake, destroying all things that might annoy her son Abel, and comedy writing for fun, profit, and status exceeding that of Hollywood film directors and producers.
Among her most infamous crimes are her tepid yet questionably lauded impersonation of Hillary Clinton, and her numerous attempts to sabotage comedy rival Tina Fey. Amy has been a founding member of the Society for the Intervention and Rehabilitation of Supervillains but it hasn't helped her cause any, mostly because the Society is staffed by former ComiCon-attending comic-book fans who keep falling in love with her.
History[edit]
Amy Poehler was born in a Massachusetts high school gymnasium, where she spent the first five years of her life inside a locker with smelly gym clothes. She was soon discovered by the school principal (who was about to rub one out into one of the dirty socks in the locker). After being discovered, she was quickly moved to a foster home. There, she spent the next twenty years, due to the fact that her foster parents couldn't determine her age – she looked really fucking young. During her stay in foster care, she studied up on comedy, which usually dealt with funny topics like circumcision, stealing money from the cash drawers at the bank, and Jesus. After leaving the foster home, she decided to go to high school and get her diploma, a process which took up another twenty years. For those who don't know addition, this puts her at forty-five years old.
Poehler is usually reported to have been born on either October 29, 1965 or on September 16, 1986. The latter date is incorrect and illogical given Bernoulli's Principle. Therefore, given Newton's second law, the former date must be almost correct, but still uncertain. It is widely believed that she perceives herself to be the only daughter of father and a mother, but this, too, is inaccurate – and uncertain. She is not also an offspring of two famous Vampire Americans because of the uncertainty concerning which continent her ancestors come from. In fact, the most well-known information about her is inaccurate, though it's not clear how it's known to be inaccurate or if it is, in fact, really inaccurate. It's more likely to be uncertain. So, you're on your own with this, but it is definitely uncertain.
When she was a year old, she attempted to kill her babysitter with a nuclear weapon she found in the basement. It was at that moment Amy discovered she was a scary baby destined to grow up into a scary woman.
When she was five years old, she was attacked by a stranger with a knife. However, the essence of her destiny to rule the entertainment industry and, eventually, the world, overtook the stranger and his spirit, which spontaneously combusted seconds after the attack. It was at that moment Poehler discovered she was a wizard.
Known or suspected followers of Amy Poehler[edit]
Although technically a follower of herself, Amy Poehler has garnered her own sizable following. DO NOT include anyone in this section without hard evidence as anyone suspected of serving her friend Tina Fey may be subject to the death penalty in many jurisdictions. You notice that none of these people matter since the 1990s ended decades ago?
As the official ruler of all nerds and beta males[edit]
Poehler has been the official ruler of all nerds and beta males everywhere since U.S. President George W. Bush took office in the year 2000. At Saturday Night Live, Amy faced fierce competition from the great (and funnier) Andy Samberg, but she won anyway after giving Samberg an atomic wedgie and forcing him to drink the (Jim Jones) Kool-Aid.
As an all-powerful shape shifter capable of taking on any form she wishes, Fey realized that nerds were particularly "over scheduled and undersexed" and immediately saw a void she could fill. She soon became one of their own, but a considerably more attractive and desirable version. Poehler has a considerable loyalty among nerds, even female nerds who have deluded themselves into thinking that they are as "smart" as she is (they usually aren't).
However, there is still some minor dissent in the ranks, mainly from the Trekkies and Howard Stern insiders. Once this dissent is crushed, it is expected that Amy Poehler will conquer the universe with her massive nerd army and repopulate it with beings resembling her favorite Star Wars characters.
Career highlights[edit]
Although she is widely known to be Evil Incarnate, Poehler has an extraordinarily successful career as a writer, comedian, actress, rapper and Designated Hottie With Herself On. And Batman.
Eventually NBC Universal executives decided that the only way to stop her scheme to throw more superior comedians and writers under the bus was to put her under a superior, and even more evil superhero than herself, with a proven record in keeping imagination suppressed. This would be Will Ferrell. She was then assigned the name of Elizabeth "Liz" Lemon and her own TV show Parks and Recreation so she could make herself a new life. Her real identity and origins are kept secret as a safety measure to everyone, who are required to maintain a six-foot radius around Fey's person.
Filmography[edit]
- Saturday Night Live (1975-1980) (TV) Allegedly, Amy Poehler wasn't alive at this time
- Saturday Night Dead (1980-present) (TV) Poehler was possibly alive at this time, but this, is...uncertain
- Parks and Recreation (2009-present) (TV)
- Mean Girls (2004) Auspicious because this is Lindsay Lohan's greatest work, as compared to Poehler's impression of Hillary Clinton
- Baby Mama (2008) Their girls Kate and Angie are gonna kill your ass
Birth of a Saturday Night Live lifer's career[edit]
After cracking a few of her practiced comedy jokes on unsuspecting crowds, and getting the shit kicked out of herself by many, many a show business boss, she realized that she had a talent for humor when the bosses laughed heartily after fucking her up. So she wrote a letter to NBC Studios explaining her talents and dreams as a funny woman, which was thrown out before it was even opened. She wrote ten more such letters, and forty more years elapsed before she finally got a response from the network. The producers of Saturday Night Live started to realize that their show wasn't funny at all, and that a girl might be exactly what they needed to spice things up a bit.
Trivia[edit]
- Her son, Abel, was originally going to be named Abel Poehler, but then she remembered that most sequels aren't as good as the original. "Note to self: teach your kids to run away from home before you name them."
- She was supposed to play a girl on Saturday Night Live but was a woman instead. She ended up playing Leslie Knope, an ungendered nonentity of no specific age, on Parks and Recreation instead.