Yellow Snow
Yellow Snow is a Zagat rated restaurant which located in Barrow, Alaska. Though it is solely located in the northernmost, coldest city in the United States, hundreds of people flock there each year to experience the unique delicacies served. It has been described as "really, renally good!" and "full of piss and vinegar in the best possible way."
Origin[edit]
The restaurant was founded by two unlikely business partners: Nanook the Eskimo boy and Jacques Crerar, the Nova Scotian fur-trapper.
Humble origins[edit]
The two met one midwinter night outside of Nanook's luxury snow villa, where the boy stumbled upon Jacques petting his favorite seal with a lead-filled snowshoe with unmitigated audacity. Nanook, still young and naive, took this traditional gesture of hatred and greed the wrong way and reached for the first weapon he could find, his heart filled with curiosity and magnanimosity. The local town's drunken husky happened to mark his territory nearby, and filling his mittens full of yellow snow, Nanook proceeded to make a Yellow Snow Cone for his new friend. Jacques was taken by surprise by this amiable offering, and began licking the snow cone in a vigorous, circular motion to take in the most flavor.
"GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!" exclaimed Jacques, his beady little eyes widening, "this is delicious!" He made his own dog-doo snow cone and put it in Nanook's right hand, and made another dog-doo snow cone and put it in his left hand; the two ate and talked together for several hours when they decided to create a restaurant dedicated to this rarely served cuisine. Apparently going to Arby's just wouldn't satisfy them anymore.
The Restaurant's Inception[edit]
Both Nanook and Jacques agreed the idea for a restaurant was excellent, but their views on style differed greatly. Nanook believed there nought nor ought be any way to present their unique cuisine other than novelty muffins of his own design. Jacques disagreed, for he preferred cupcakes exclusively, and struck down novelty for a strictly commercial approach. The deliberations went on for twelve hours without interruption, and Nanook accepted Jacques ideas after a series of noogies and Eskimo burns.
Jacque's friend Joeb agreed to lease room in his winter lodge for the restaurant, and in turn he got a cut of the profits and Nanook's pet seal. Jacques and Nanook hesitantly told Joeb about the several dozen snowshoe marks embedded into poor Snufflekind's skull, effectively becoming the first people in Northern Alaska to sweat profusely. Considerably miffed, Joeb lent the pair of entrepreneurs some space in the rear of his snowy hut.
There wasn't much room in Joeb's garage, and the kitchen had to be stuck in the back next to Joeb's old Dodge sled. Despite the cozy arrangements, Jacques was able to get word out through a skywriting campaign and a catchy slogan ("We promise not to put cum in your mouth, but everything else is fair game"). Profits were reaped in, and the business partners were able to put Yellow Snow into its own building. Within a matter of months, it was already up among Alaska's most popular attraction(s) with tourist traps such as Really Big Pile of Snow and That Kennel Where That Dog from Jack London's Call of the Wild Came From. Oddly enough, both of those sites were acquired by Yellow Snow and used in the cooking process.
Going public[edit]
Yellow Snow gained enough money to go public in 1983 when it was bought by oil baron Sheik Yerbouti in exchange for drilling rights in the Alaskan wastes, and currently has stock valued at 23.4 and rising. Its symbol on the New York Stock Exchange is, appropriately, PISS. Wise investors of the stock often buy up on Husky racing futures and, of course, laxatives.
Obscenely rich at last, Jacques was absolutely free to live out his wildest dreams: to become the next Bubsy Berkeley. After a few failed theater investments kicked Jacques off Broadway the hard way, he located, courted, and eventually married his big-legged high school sweetheart Emma Pekar. Their relationship proved rocky and short lived, but Jacques continued his relationship with long-term mistress Suzy Creamcheese many years after the divorce hearings concluded.
Critical Acclaim[edit]
While most critics have either not bothered to make the journey to what Barrow residents themselves call "the most insufferably terrible town in the UnContinental United States", those who underwent the torturous journey to the restaurant sing high praises.
| “ | The cuisine has an acquired taste, and I wish I could acquire it more. It was well worth it to endure the seemingly never ending wastelands of Bed & Breakfasts to reach the Holy Grail of waste-themed restaurants. It wouldn't be an understatement to call the proprietors of the joint inventors. No, that doesn't do them justice... they are the mothers of invention. | ” |
| “ | While the main course was definitely delicious and innovative, what stunned me the most was the dessert. They have this delicious dish called the "jazz discharge party hat", which tastes and looks like a punched éclair. On top of that, the relaxed atmosphere in the restaurant gives the feeling that, when you eat there, you should just abandon all cares of the formal world, like a dancin' fool that only cares about titties and beer, and just indulge in as much dog waste as possible. The black napkins are a nice touch, too. | ” |
Bobby Brown goes down[edit]
Rapper Bobby Brown ate at Yellow Snow while on his controversial Yo, I'm in Alaska Motherfuckers tour, and delivered a less than stellar review of his brunch. The owners got intensely miffed at their first negative feedback, and launched a smear campaign labeled by the press as "Codename: Bobby Brown Goes Down". The campaign at first used subtle messages that Brown was already used to, being a rapper, such as drive-by shootings on his distant relatives, the old dog-poo-in-the-flaming-bag trick (also known as "take out" at Yellow Snow), and tossing hard-boiled eggs at his house.
Brown tolerated it for some time, but his nerves snapped when he got a mysterious message from Luigi and the Wise Guys, supposedly a team of hitmen Nanook hired, though their real identities are still unknown. Brown recalls in his autobiography Yo, I Wrote a Book About Myself, an' Shit that they stressed the danger of going into his kitchen at night, which he believed meant they had poisoned his food. "Beware of the dangerous kitchen. It could get on your face then. It could eat your complexion. You could die from the danger. Of the dangerous kitchen at your house tonight" reportedly remarked the perpetrators, quite mysteriously.
Not too long after, Brown made a public apology to Yellow Snow, claiming that he was under the influence of drugs at the time. "Y'know, it was just another one of those cocaine decisions, know what I'm sayin'?"
Menu (abridged)[edit]
The little chili pepper indicates spiciness!
- Yellow snow - The original. $4.99 for two scoops, an extra $.88 for a third.
- Goldenrod snow - The original with a bit of food coloring. $6.99.
- Bad Snow Day
- Why does it hurt when you pee? This dish probably passed whatever the dog had to you! Warning: will leave your taste buds feeling like a nest of maracas. $3.95 plus veterinarian bill; must take kidney stone home in doggy bag (if applicable) - Fillet of mud shark - Straight from the murky waters of the intestinal tract. Cost depends on current market price.
- Domestically abused sausage patty - Chef Alphonso's specialty, only available during breakfast
- Jazz discharge party hats - served on a bed of edible panties. $3 off on birthdays/New Year's Day
- Peaches en regalia - Panties not edible for this one, but still complementary. $8.49.
- Uncle Meat - An enormous steak that, if finished in under an hour, is recycled from the victor and turned into a soup. $20.00
The end of Yellow Snow[edit]
In the end, a small amount of bad press led to Yellow Snow's untimely demise. No one eventually wised up to the fact that they were eating literal doses of animal waste (there really isn't much else to do in Alaska, so no one cared), and those who did were regarded as soapbox loonies; in fact, the chain reaction that caused to Yellow Snow to shut its doors began with a simple case of sexual harassment in the workplace.
One waitress reported being victim to a vicious leg humping by sous chef and French poodle Tiramisu, and hired high profile (and low stature) attorney Vivian "Man from Utopia" O'Blivion. The tiny Irish lawyer, a close friend of documentary maker Michael Moore, threatened to use Moore to make a video exposé on all of Yellow Snow's most shady dealings, including but not limited to the aforementioned Luigi & the Wise Guys affair, if a 2 million USD settlement wasn't reached.
"They are going to be in my video, and I'm going to stick a dagger in Yellow Snow's ear," remarked O'Blivion in a press release, "Oh yes, I'm going to make them smell the glove... the glove of justice." Yellow Snow's team of lawyers were not intimidated by the diminutive prosecutor, and claimed that, in their own defense, the waitress should have known better than to go near the chefs when they were in heat. Both sides saw themselves evenly matched, and a controversial settlement was reached. All of the bigger chefs were replaced with more timid Cocker Spaniels.
This ended up being a terrible decision, for the lengthy Cocker coats were unaccustomed to being near fire, and lit up on the first day of the job. The dogs panicked during their resource training seminar, and all fled the building, fur blazing. O'Blivion almost reached the fire alarm, but the leprechaun-esque fellow stumbled over one of the Cockers and fell flat on his face. The light and fluffy-white dogs of O'Blivion brought a terrible, fiery, untimely end to Yellow Snow, and thousands of former customers across the globe wept for seconds. Some even for minutes.
Post-Yellow Snow[edit]
Jacques never got a job after the end of Yellow Snow, since he was too busy spending time in Barrow's emergency burn ward. He and O'Blivion became very good friends in the ward, played innumerable games of bridge, and groped plenty of nurses together until O'Blivion couldn't handle living anymore. On July 16th, 2006, O'Blivion reportedly stole and downed all the prescription drug rations of his hospital roommates, had a major freak out and fell into an irreversible coma. He occasionally mutters gibberish about baby snakes and hot rats, but for the most part he is used as a paperweight and/or doorstop by economical orderlies.
Nanook wasn't harmed by the fire, as he was visiting his Nana and Popo at the time of the blaze, but he was put out of work for many years. He just recently pulled himself up by his snowshoe straps and moved to Montana in search of work. He's currently employed for minimum wage at the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen and lives off his $240 million USD estate, $180 million of which paid in part by Frank Zappa in royalties for God knows why...