War on Humour

WARNING! This article is designed to offend.
If you are not offended by it, please edit it so that you will be in the future.
For an example of how to be offensive, see: Sexual harassment

An ancient and honorable people can only take so many jokes before they simply kill everyone.

The War on Humor was declared in early 2006 when a Fatwa was issued by the Muslim Pope against all jokes, propagandistic humor, cartoons, and anything generally funny about Islam, which isn't funny. The Fatwa specifically states that funny jokes are "okay," but lame, stupid, juvenile, and homosexual ones are not.

The Sacrilege that started it all[edit]

In February 2006, a Danish newspaper ran a series of political cartoons that were "flat-out bad," according to nearly all who saw them. They showed Mohammed in a variety of positions (not unlike the Kama Sutra, which is also considered highly inflammatory in Islamic countries). This included a picture of Mohammed in a lineup with Jesus, and a picture portraying Mohammed as a suicide bomber. These images were so insulting that Islamists violently attacked Danish embassies, burned Danish flags, and ate Danish pastries till not a single crumb was left. A boycott of all Danish goods was ordered, which led to skyrocketing sales for Danish flags, in order to feed the growing demand created by flag burners. The boycott also left thousands of breakfasters in the Middle East without delicious pastries to eat, leading to exorbitant prices for danishes on the black markets. While the protests may have seemed counter-productive, they did get the attention of the West - particularly the bombings of European embassies.

Jesus peeing on the virgin Mary from the cross, as shown by the U.S. media

It stretches to other religions[edit]

The call for the destruction of embassies seemed to work, as many governments began banning the images as "hate crimes." This led to other religious groups attacking and burning embassies when offended. The Fundamentalist Christians attacked the New York Museum of Modern Art for displaying a painting of Jesus peeing on the Virgin Mary from the Cross, at which point Bush declared that all depictions of Jesus were "sacrilegious... I mean, disrespectful toward Christians," and were to be removed from public view. This led to everything from South Park to Uncyclopedia being heavily censored to remove all Jesus jokes, including bad ones. Sadly, not even the funny ones, such as The Life of Brian, were spared.

Zionist conspiracy[edit]

Scotland, England June 2006: Clerics from leading Zionist, Hindu and Muslim communities gather in the nation's capital to demonstrate solidarity in support of the War on Humour. The rally was only marred when a burning effigy of Donald Duck ignited a nearby munitions factory, which devastated half the city. Who's laughing now?

The Jews reacted in their usual terroristic manner by pulling out of Gaza. They then focused their efforts on world domination, secretly, with no one but the wary Muslims paying any attention to their "filthy Jewish scheming." The Jews invented humor, so they became the target of every other religion's attacks, rather than attacking anyone else. Oy gevalt, "it's like the whole world is against us ...again!"

Fundamentalist Hindus[edit]

This new group, which sprung up out of frustration with everyone else having all the fun murdering people "over jokes and what-not," announced a general protest against all jokes related to hamburgers and other beef products. (They were especially offended by You have two cows on a certain satirical website that will go unnamed.) Their inexperience at ultra-violence only served to humiliate them in front of the other religions, however, as their first and only attempt at a terrorist attack simply consisted of eight Fundamentalist Hindus boarding a plane and then refusing to leave after it had landed.

Jains[edit]

The Jain sect of India, in sympathy with the Hindu fundamentalists, announced their steadfast refusal to read editorial cartoons in newspapers, for fear of offending or destroying the tiny microbes that live in the newsprint. At the same time, they turned off all three of their computers, two of which were capable of connecting to the internet, rather than risk accidentally frying any tiny insects that might be living in the power supplies due to excessive viewing of offensive material.

The Cult of Osiris[edit]

After seeing the offensive cartoons on the internet, worshipers of the Egyptian God of the Underworld (already incensed by negative depictions of their deity in the "decadent Western cable show" Stargate SG-1) cancelled their subscription to Fantasy and Sci-Fi Magazine, and also stopped their DSL high-speed internet service. When reached for comment, Comcast (their long-time ISP) remarked, "Bobby's parents haven't paid his bill for three months anyway, so it's no great loss as far as we're concerned."

Atheists[edit]

Though not technically a religion, atheists nevertheless leaped into the fray after a disparaging cartoon was printed in The New Yorker in which an atheist is shown laughing derisively at a cat-fight between three people clearly drawn to represent Muslim, Christian, and Jewish stereotypes. A spokesman for the World Atheism Federation remarked, "We don't believe in saying 'I told you so' any more than we believe in an omnipotent supernatural deity responsible for all creation." Later, [Pharyngula] blogger PZ Myers wrote, "Interfaith violence isn't funny, and hasn't been for 25 centuries, except for that whole Mountain Meadows Massacre thing. I have to admit, we're all still pretty much in hysterics over that one."

Rastafarians[edit]

Perhaps the most surprising religious group to voice their support for the War on Humor, over 30,000 Rastafarians marched in the streets of Kingston, Jamaica in what some called the largest protest ever held in the country. Although several marchers had made crude signs bearing slogans such as "Cartoons Bad, Weed Good" and "Legalize Censorship of Anti-Ganja 'Toons," their actual demands were never made clear.

South Pacific Island "Tiki-God" Worshipers[edit]

Spokesmen for various native religions in Micronesia and Polynesia formed a "Tiki Unity Alliance," and demanded that all ceramic mai-tai drinking vessels bearing the image of their deity be destroyed throughout the world, in favor of German beer steins. They also demanded that New York Giants running back Tiki Barber formally change his name to "Tinky" Barber.

The Teletubbies Religion[edit]

Upon hearing of the Tiki-God worshipers' demand concerning Barber, worshipers of the Teletubbies mounted an all-out internet-based assault on Tiki-God worshipers. "I say unto thee, let no one dare take the name of a Teletubby in vain," said leader Jerry Falwell. Falwell then announced that any "wiki" site would, from then on, be a prime target of the group's vandalization and infiltration activities, "because 'wiki' rhymes with 'Tiki,' and because people on wikis keep making fun of poor little Tinky and Po anyway."

Scientology[edit]

Everyone told the Scientologists, of course, that they should just fuck off. Scientology was later outlawed, since the religion itself is a joke. However, the religion's new "outlaw" status only added to its popularity, especially among chavs. Meanwhile, Magictologists everywhere flew into hysterics, causing many to suffer aneurisms. Walkentologists, thinking they were next, began hoarding Tomahawk cruise missiles. As a result, Tom Cruise reportedly leapt up and down several times on Oprah's couch, complaining that he "didn't get it," and had to be restrained by the Police, whose lead singer, Sting, stank, as usual.

The last straw[edit]

Eventually, people finally began to realize that "offensive" and "humorous" were actually the same thing. As a result, anything that could even remotely be construed as funny, amusing, or capable of causing fits of giggles was outlawed for fear that it would offend someone. Large armies of stormtroopers were conscripted to root out all humorous (i.e., "offensive") people and bring them to justice. Fear and distrust began to spread. Several people began to notice that one of their neighbors "simply wasn't around anymore," after a rumor spread that this same neighbor once told a joke, making it obvious what had happened to him. However, intelligent people said nothing, and simply pretended that the neighbors didn't exist in the first place, if they knew what was good for them.