UnNews:U.S. asks 132 passengers to step forward

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Where man always bites dog UnNews Thursday, November 21, 2024, 16:07:59 (UTC)

U.S. asks 132 passengers to step forward UnNews Logo Potato.png

16 October 2014

This isn't like ISIS, a mere Junior Varsity. This is serious.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Government asked the 132 passengers of Frontier Airlines Flight 1143 to identify themselves to the Center for Disease Control (CDC). This was the flight to Cleveland that Dallas nurse and unexpected new Ebola victim Amber Vinson took.

The CDC said the 132 passengers should telephone the agency so they can be "monitored." Monitoring is not quarantine, provided that election poll numbers hold up. Nor will it involve trumped-up charges after making a video, nor investigating their professional licenses or initiating tax audits, provided the 132 have no relation to the Tea Party movement, and they will probably not be targeted by drones.

CDC director Dr. Thomas Frieden said the risk of a "major" outbreak in the general public remains "low" because "protocols are in place." What happened in Dallas is that Ms. Vinson violated protocols that would have kept her from catching the 70%-fatal virus. Once she got it, she violated more protocols by flying, even after repeatedly calling the CDC and telling them she was running a mild fever and being told to fly because the rulebook said it was no problem.

There are similar protocols in place for American businesses to give employees pay and health care they do not earn and to unionize without a vote. When companies leave the U.S., merge with non-U.S. companies, shrink to 49½ employees, or cut each of them to 29½ hours, they are simply violating the protocols. White House spokesman "Josh" "Earnest" has said that America would actually be in a Summer of Recovery right now, and maybe even an Autumn of Health, if not for the millions of non-compliant individuals.

Dr. Frieden said Liberians without Ebola can take municipal buses, because Ebola cannot be caught from other passengers, but that Liberians with Ebola should not take buses, because it can. Thus, the reason Frontier Airlines fumigated Flight 1143 for the fourth time today is that it is not a Liberian bus. Although Dr. Frieden's alma mater, the Close Cover Before Striking school of medicine in Santo Domingo, refused details on his credentials, he is professionally trained to study which of the follow-on 132 victims violated protocols, and how — or, if the rest of Cleveland is wiped out without anyone violating any protocol, how the protocols should be amended.

The "opposition" Republican Party's position was in line with its previously reported "issues-free" 2014 campaign. Asked about letting the CDC track all Americans all the time to keep them from violating any protocols, "I think they should have anything they want," their Senate "leader" Mitch McConnell told MSNBC. "Whatever the [CDC] thinks they need, we’ll give it to them." Former Republican spokespersons Michele Bachman and Herman Cain had no comment, as they are already in political quarantine.

At press time, the U.S. borders remained wide open. Dr. Frieden called this prudent for a minor epidemic that has only infected two people. House Democrat leader Nancy Pelosi stated, "We have to pass more Liberians, so that you can find out what is in them."

Sources[edit]