UnNews:Social Security found to have 310 million tits

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30 August 2010

This is a milk cow, and it has no more than a few thousand tits.

SNAKE'S HIPS, Wyoming -- Alan Simpson, who is reportedly a politician from this mountainous U.S. state, is out of the penalty box for calling Social Security a "milk cow with 310 million tits."

In fact, Social Security is a government pension system, where the worker pays 6%, and the boss pays 6% he would otherwise have paid the worker, into an account called the Lock Box, which currently contains only moths.

Mr. Simpson e-mailed his comments from his dairy farm here to Ashley Carlson of the National Older Milk Cows League. She had written to the Huffington Post, accusing Mr. Simpson of "ageism and sexism." Mr. Simpson, the token Republican on President Barack Obama's bipartisan commission to sell the American people on tax hikes after the election, then accused Ms. Carlson of "babbl[ing] crap."

Mr. Simpson insisted he was a defender of the social program. Everyone is. The last person to question it was President George W. Bush, who in 2005 proposed that citizens get to put some of the loot into an actual bank. The result was that the program now buys meds for rich people and is going broke faster than ever, and Mr. Bush is not invited anywhere.

Critics began calling for Mr. Simpson to be dropped from the Commission--at least, those who could be spared from the effort to boycott Dr. Laura. But, unlike that radio talk host, Mr. Simpson wrote an apology, replete with folksy analogies such as putting a foot in one's mouth, and the White House announced that Mr. Simpson will stay on.

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H.L. Mencken once called the New Deal a milk cow with 125 million teats, as "tit" was spelled back then. Fortunately, there are many more tits today. Mr. Mencken was accusing President Franklin D. Roosevelt of trying to create universal dependency. Republicans such as Mr. Simpson sometimes oppose dependency. Then they write letters of apology.

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