UnNews:Breast awareness is key, say doctors

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5 February 2010

A prototype model developed by the Department of Homeland Breasts. Production models will include advanced features such as cupholders and pants (optional).

SCHENECTADY, New York -- Sex doctors studying the male libido are saying that, "in matters of sex, breasts are key to attracting a mate. It is of utmost importance that we as a society be more aware of breasts."

"Yeah, tits are... well... the tits," says a man we walked up to on the street. "By ignoring this natural resource we doom ourselves as a species. What are babies going to eat? What are men (and some women) going to grab onto for fun at any opportunity?"

In order to efficiently increase breast production, the DeVry University has been tasked by the the Department of Homeland Breasts to develop odd machines and chemicals which will help establish a surplus of breasts. "We shall find them on the beaches, we shall find them in bordellos, and we shall find them in our own bedrooms, if it be God's will," says Apelonnus Hampster of the Society for Breast Appreciation, Schenectady Lodge.

The Susan G. Komen Foundation has for years sponsored a Breast Awareness Day at professional and collegiate baseball games across the United States, even though fans are aware of breasts in the stands all season long, especially in places such as Kansas City, where it does no good to be aware of baseball. During these special days, sponsors wear pink ribbons, and players may add pink to their uniforms, perhaps to signify that they wish to be aware of pink as well as breasts. "Or GTFO," added one organizer, cryptically.