UnNews:Rand Paul dissed, blows off debate

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

UnFair and UnBalanced UnNews Sunday, December 22, 2024, 02:47:59 (UTC)

Rand Paul dissed, blows off debate UnNews Logo Potato.png

12 January 2016

Sen. Paul asked Fox executives, "Do you know who I am???" but only one thought he did, and he guessed Opie Taylor from The Andy Griffith Show.

CHARLESTON, South Carolina -- Fox News has demoted libertarian Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul (R-KY) to the children's table rather than the main Presidential debate, where he could sit with grown-ups like Donald Trump and Jeb Bush as they bicker and exchange wisecracks.

In response, Sen. Paul declared that he would boycott the debate entirely. "I won't join anything that's not first-tier because we have a first-tier campaign," he told moderator Wolf Blitzkrieg.

The Fox Business Channel agreed that the campaign is first-tier but the poll numbers are second- or maybe third-tier, obliging Sen. Paul to spend the evening jabbering with Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee, and Rick Santorum. Fox's statement omitted the name of Jim Gilmore, who is also on the undercard — the biggest diss of all.

The Paul campaign said Fox had made a "mistake," and that Sen. Paul was "firmly" in fifth place, though it did not say in which polls. Sen. Paul said his first-tier campaign would take its message "directly to the people of Iowa and New Hampshire" — as it did last week when Sen. Paul went to fourth-tier Exeter, New Hampshire and spoke to sixty voters and forty of its own staffers at Town Hall.

Today is the day that the U.S. Senate votes on Sen. Paul's bill to audit the Federal Reserve, the first step in changing the system where secretive bureaucrats set interest rates wrong as a favor to big banks, in favor of having politicians do so. Sen. Paul can thus take that first-rate campaign to a fifth-rate deliberative body, where fellow Republican Mitch McConnell and Democrat Leader Harry Reid will both slap him on the back before sending his bill to "study."

As President Obama plans an empty chair next to the First "Lady" at tonight's State of the Union address to commemorate child victims of the Bill of Rights, the Fox Business Channel will provide an empty chair at the non-prime-time debate to commemorate victims of unpersuasive arguments.

Sources[edit]