Harry Reid
“If we can't shove the Health Care Reform Bill down your throats, we will at least shove it up your @$$. ”
Harry Mason Reid (December 2, 1939 - December 28, 2021) was a United States Senator from the State of Nevada and the leader of the Democratic Party in the U.S. Senate from 2007 to 2015. He was a licensed and practicing lawyer who had Satan on his speed-dial. He and his son, Clark County Nevada County Commissioner Rory Reid, were cloned from the same petri dish.
Early life[edit]
Harry Reid was born in Searchlight, Nevada, a ghost town 50 miles south of Las Vegas, to Inez and Harry Reid I. He attended Basic High School in Henderson, Nevada where he played football and was first exposed to fundamental Mormonism. Reid attended Southern Utah University where he was gifted his first wife, Eve. and Utah State University where he was gifted his second wife Chloë Sevigny. Reid attended and graduated from George Washington University Law School where he was gifted his third wife Genevieve (elder sister of FLDS Leader Warren Jeffs).
After receiving his J.D., Reid returned with his three wives and growing family to Nevada to serve as the City Attorney of Henderson, Nevada. In 1968, the Grand Pubah of the Mormons instructed all the little Mormons to elect Harry to the Nevada State Assembly.
Political career[edit]
In 1970, Harry had caught the eye of the Uber Grand Pubah of the FLDS in Colorado City who now ordered all the little Mormons to elect Brother Harry to the office of lieutenant Governor. In 1977, the National Council of Mormon Pubahs became concerned that they were not getting their share of the skim from the Mob run Casinos in Nevada. So the Council had the Governator appoint Harry to the Nevada Gaming Board.
Even with mandates from the Grand Pubah for all the little Mormons to vote for Harry, He Managed to loose his first bid for the United States Senate in the 1970's. He also managed to loose a bid for the mayors office of Las Vegas (Perhaps because he was from Searchlight and lived in Henderson, neither being within the city limits of Las Vegas. But the Pubahs were undaunted. Under threat of excommunication and the seizure of every Mormons second wife, the FLDS Church got Harry the first Congressional district seat in 1983. Harry served 2 terms in the U.S. House of Reprehensibles.
In 1987, Reid won his seat in the Senate. He once again relied on the instructions of the Pubahs but in addition, he promised to help tone down the image of the Senate, vowing to be more sedate than out-of-control, over charismatic Senators like Paul Simon of Illinois. Reid smoothly transitioned from the domain of the Pubahs to the domain of the Grand Kliegle.
Family connections[edit]
Rory Reid is the eldest son from Harry's first wife, and eldest overall of Harry's 27 children. Rory serves as Chairman of the Clark County Board of Commissioners. Like his father, Rory was elected through an edict from the Nevada Council of Mormon Pubahs. He is stunningly similar to his father in tone, appearance and dress, so much so that when campaigning door-to-door for their respective offices, one is often asked to leave or be charged with stalking after being mistaken for the other who visited the day before.
Political alliances[edit]
After President Barack Obama, Reid was the de facto leader of the Democratic party and wielded great power (as long as he cleared everything with Nancy Pelosi first).
With years of experience in dealing with trade unions both in Nevada and on a national level along with big business such as gaming and mining, Harry had the juice to bring money and power to bear on the side of his issues. He once stated, "If I can get Rory elected to office, I can do just about whatever I want."
Special relationship with Mitt Romney[edit]
Despite being in different political parties, Reid's career was intertwined with that of Mitt Romney, a fellow Mormon and the Senator from the adjacent state of Utah. Their paths crossed, and sparks flew, in 2012 when Romney ran for President:
- Romney's status as a member of the Mormon church was instantly a scandal, leading reporters to ask Romney whether he had a pair of those magic underpants, and about other cult-like aspects of Mormonism. By comparison, Reid's status as a member of the Mormon church was unremarkable.
- Reid stated on the floor of the Senate that he had inside knowledge that Romney was a tax cheat. Romney replied, "Harry is simply wrong" — sending the fact-checkers into apoplexy — and the gentlemanly Republican spent the entire remainder of his unsuccessful Presidential campaign trying to prove a negative, including releasing 23 years of tax filings for the Democratic National Committee to pore over for hints of additional scandal. Reid would call his accusation a deft political move, telling the press, "Romney didn't win, did he?" and belly-laughing until his phone rang, surely that pesky Satan again.
Controversy[edit]
In 2010, President Barack Obama scolded Americans, falling into yet another recession, not to do extravagant things like visit Las Vegas — this despite being scheduled to do exactly that, the following week, to raise money for Reid's re-election. Las Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman blasted back in a televised news conference: "[Obama]'s not our friend....This president is a real slow learner.” After Goodman put his thoughts in writing to the President, Obama issued a clarification: "What I meant to say is you can't go to Las Vegas...unless you're raising money for Harry Reid. Then it's okay. My mom likes Vegas. My wife likes Vegas. Harry drives through Vegas on his way to the Airport. Next preselected, softball question...You, sir..."
Belying his vow to be a genteel leader, Reid ran the Senate in a street-fighting manner. So no one was surprised when he arrived for work one day in January 2015 with the mother of all shiners under one eye. Senators assumed it had merely been a liaison to a pro-Romney constituent that had gotten ungentlemanly. They were sure Reid had given the constituent worse than he got. But Reid explained that it was instead a liaison with an elastic therapy band that was not supposed to liaise with him at all but remain anchored to the bathroom door. The fact-checkers flocked to the house, but Rory quickly disposed of the bands — a key reason that Reid's lawsuit against their manufacturer was dismissed.
Death[edit]
Harry Reid passed away in December, 2021 from canine parvo, leaving no one to support the National Rifle Association. Reid was laid to rest in Arlington, Virginia, alongside his beloved and sometimes feisty therapy bands. Reid is survived by his daughter and his jitterbug cell phone.