UnNews:Obama rallies the zombie vote

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, April 18, 2024, 17:33:59 (UTC)
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19 September 2016

Aboard the campaign plane, Hillary was a bit green, but not completely transformed.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Barack Obama said that, if zombies fail to turn out to defeat Donald Trump, he will consider it an insult to him personally and to his legacy.

The U.S. President famously captured 95% of the zombie vote in both 2008 and 2012, and won the entire zombie race underneath many large cities.

Obama sought to transfer his huge majorities to Democratic Party nominee Hillary Clinton, whose 2008 television advertisement touted her as uniquely able to answer a phone call at 3 in the morning. Unfortunately, when the press recently caught up to her on her campaign jet, it was only 8 in the evening and reporters wondered whether she was drunk, high, medicated, in the middle of another stroke, or simply trying to keep an even keel to avoid transforming into a giant green rage-monster, until one broadcaster stated that "Hillary came out looking like a zombie last night." The campaign realized that this would beat the pantsuit off coming out looking like Hillary, and before long, hashtag #ZombieHillary had gone viral.

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Romney/Ryan to re-institute Negro slavery

An artist's rendition of Hillary's likely October Surprise.

Hillary had written off half of the Trump vote last week as "the basket of deplorables, the racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic" — beating even the 47% of voters Mitt Romney wrote off in 2012 as uninterested in his program of massive capital gains tax cuts. That would leave zombies as the only voting bloc still in Hillary's camp. Even African Americans have been wavering, as Trump has courted their vote, asking them what more could go wrong. Obama suggested that slavery might qualify. However, as yet, that policy option is still off the table.

The networks had graciously given Trump the chance to embarrass himself by either flip-flopping or doubling down on his 2009 claim that Obama was born in Kenya, as though Trump had read the dust jacket of Obama's autobiography, as though we know whether Trump can read. Obama used the repudiation as proof to his audience that he had been telling the truth all along. He stressed that the earth is not flat and that a record number of Americans have quit smoking and signed up for health coverage rather than pay those pesky new taxes that you won't see a dime of, and he ended with a reprise of his crowd-winning promise that, "If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor. Period." It is still not clear what the truth has to do with Hillary Clinton. However, though zombie voters do stay up late into the night, it is not to debate candidate promises.

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