UnNews:Neanderthals blast Biden slur

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7 March 2021

Stig "Rodin" Mammothburger spoke for the Neanderthals.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden is in trouble with America's Neanderthal community after he compared them to members of the Republican Party. Biden had described Republicans opposing the wearing of masks to battle the Coronavirus as an example of "Neanderthal thinking," unaware that they still exist, and hold the balance of power in several Congressional districts in Texas. Angry Neanderthals appeared on news channels saying that they are far more evolved than Republicans and that it was an insult to compare them to Eric Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene.

One of their leaders, Stig "Rodin" Mammothburger, appeared on Fox News. Known for his thoughtful pose and wearing very little except a handmade loincloth, Mammothburger expressed his dismay with Biden's description of his people:

"It's a disgrace to say Neanderthals are like Republicans. We don't keep people from voting or storm the Capitol calling for Mike Pence to be hanged. We have faced oppression even longer than any modern human and were treated like an alien species by the Cro-Magnons. Now Neanderthals have been lumped in with Republicans by Joe Biden. If he does that again, we will primary his people in the Democratic Party."

Neanderthals protesting by painting hands on a cave wall.

The exact population of Neanderthals in the population of the United States is not known, but they are about twice as numerous as "deplorables." Mammothburger complained that many people who appear to be Neanderthals are actually sports jocks or music-festival attendees. The real Neanderthals prefer cave painting and hunting wild bison.

"I have written to the President to tell him how his loose talk about my people will lead to further confusion. We Neanderthals are a proud people. We survived an Ice Age, we will survive again. I expect Biden to make a full apology."

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White House spokesperson Jen Psaki promised to "circle back" with a response to Mammothburger's complaints but pointed out President Biden was well-known for his colorful comparisons.

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