UnNews:Memes cause obesity, sexism

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A newsstand that's brimming with issues ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 08:07:59 (UTC)
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18 Oct 2018

Whilst being true in this case, academics have determined memes like this to be counterproductive.

LOUGHBOROUGH, United Kingdom -- After extensive studies, memes have been determined to be the cause of obesity and other societal problems in teenagers. Loughborough University’s prestigious College of Cellphone Studies presented its findings to members of Parliament, many of whom waddled from the room halfway through the presentation, apparently caused by extreme hunger. Prof. Harleigh Quinn noted 'The impact on the National Health Service is immense. One only needs to look at the bent chair legs in clinic waiting rooms to see there is a problem. And we have found memes are everywhere, encouraging naughty thinking and wasting time whereas hours could be better spent down at the pub engaging in fistfights and playing fruit machines. At least raising a few pints gets you some arm exercise.'

Opponents counter that British teens have some of the strongest and fastest swiping index fingers of any, and that their thumbs can punch harder and faster than even those of Americans. That is despite the fact that they are unable to move their bodies faster than a slug traveling against the wind.

The government is now examining Chinese filtering software to keep memes off phones and computers as well keeping out dangerous anti-Brexit posts and offers of employment to expat Poles. A major stumbling block is that porn is also blocked at the same time, which simply will not do, according to a majority of Parliament.

Quinn continued, 'Memes reinforce inappropriate and undesirable behaviours such as sexism, racism, body-shaming and the like.' Critics contend that is all learnt from parents and teachers anyway and note that these are simply bog-standard sullen antisocial teenagers and that really nothing can be done about them. One noted that it was better to read articles on sites like Uncyclopedia, although the response from British teens was 'Fuuuuu... '. America has responded by studying whether school curricula should be changed from test taking and having sharp number 2 pencils to actually learning to read.

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