UnNews:Medical researchers find cure for Health Secretary

Straight talk, from straight faces

✪

UnNews

✪

Sunday, December 22, 2024, 06:46:59 (UTC)

17 February 2016

Scanning electron microscopy image of a lymphocyte

The Right Honourable Jeremy Hunt, MP Secretary of State for Health

LONDON -- Medical researchers are claiming ‘extraordinary’ success with immune cells specifically engineered to target Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt. The breakthrough in reducing the debilitating effects of aggressive strains of Health Secretaries could slash the death rate in hospitals.

Hunt's infection of the National Health Service (NHS) has now gone viral and medical researchers are fighting back, testing procedures and techniques that have proved successful against cancer. In their first set of clinical trials, using genetically engineered immune cells, studies have indicated a 94% response rate with junior health ministers and predict an 80% chance of full remission in targeted senior members of Government.

The malignant minister has been forcing abnormal growth within the bones of the NHS, pushing doctors to work weekends — without increase in salary or numbers — creating a general fatigue and malady throughout the organization. Alongside the cell research, scientists have been testing the side-effects of rested, qualified and motivated NHS staff on patients, and recovery rates have improved tremendously.

"We would typically expect several dozen patients die within a certain time of coming into NHS care," said research assistant Ivor Scalpel, "Sometimes an exhausted junior doctor would remove the wrong body part, in other cases, people would be taking the medical advice of a worker on the 111 help line — not realizing they are an overworked, under-qualified 17 year old. It's like taking vital medical advice from a partied-out ASDA check-out girl on a Monday morning."

Supporting Mr. Scalpel in the study was was 111 help-line worker Tracey Scruggins (18), who spoke in support of the progress: "You know it's like... duh! The job's dead hard and that without being tired or anything, especially like, us nearly being a doctors and stuff. Oh, hang on, Masie my bezzy mate is tweeting... she's such a slut by the way... anyway... yeah, whatever."

Speaking at the annual meeting for the Advancement for Science, senior researcher Stanley Riddled said the results are unprecedented in medicine. It is controversial to test results when one does not work junior doctors to exhaustion, but evidence shows it is the most simple solution.

Tackling the root cause of the issue has been somewhat more of a challenge, as persuading middle-class cells to attack a Tory front-bencher was never going to be simple. However, after a bit of genetic modification, a touch of cosmetic plastic surgery, plus a subscription to Country Living, has resulted in a remarkable remission rate among the Health Secretaries involved in the trial.