UnNews:Lego court rules “Smart” Barbie illegal

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14 March 2015

Barbies are to remain dumb, the Toy Court rules.

TOYTOWN, Denmark-- Senior Lego judges have reached the verdict that Mattel’s “Smart” Barbie is illegal, after advocates dumped the entire toy box on the floor over alleged unfair marketing strategies. Senior Lego Judge Judy Shendlin said the Smart Barbie is a thinly veiled mechanism to manipulate a toddler’s personality type for the sole purpose of future product placement.

Smart Barbie transmits a child’s conversations back to Mattel, who analyze behavior patterns to determine a personality type. Mattel can also communicate with the child to enhance the experience, making the toy fully interactive. Once a full profile of the child is established, her parents are sent an email with their recommendation for the Barbie upgrade. The proposed advertising slogan was “Never have a disappointed little girl at Christmas again.”

If the child shows a tendency to sing and talk nonsense, Mattel would recommend, say, Nightclub Barbie. Nightclub Barbie comes slumped over DJ Ken’s shoulder with smeared makeup, messy hair, and accessories like a smashed bottle of Blue WKD and a puke-stained miniskirt around her ankles.

If the child is incoherent and shows an addictive nature, Mattel would recommend Smackhead Barbie, with a grey, gaunt complexion; black eyes, a miniature syringe and other drug paraphernalia. Cop Ken is also included, with a baton, cuffs and aggressive Alsatian called Sasquatch. Initially, there was no objection to the concept, as Barbie has always followed female lifestyle and fashion. However, it was generally left up to the parents to decide how their child should trend, based on Facebook or Twitter.

The doubting Thomas stated that the innocent-looking dolls could even prepare Junior for jihad.

A darker side was revealed by whistleblower Thomas The Tank Engine, who said that the “Smart” Barbie’s two-way communication could also manipulate personality traits for future products. The toy steam locomotive said this technology was being bankrolled by liquor stores, nightclubs, pharmaceutical firms and drug cartels. The plan was to use the data to move the child seamlessly from the toys onto the real thing between the ages of nine and eleven.

When trialling Smackhead Barbie for the case, a four-year-old was overheard telling her parents that she is in a fucking dark place right now and needs fifty for a fix, while tapping her forearm to bring up a vein. Another, using the Prozac popping Bipolar Barbie, was contemplating self-harm to get more sweets.

In the summary hearing, the Magistrate said, “Imagine a third party in the middle of a fourth party, having Barbie voice that she was getting knocked about a bit too much by Ken, and needs to get to the social before she loses teeth. This focused Toy marketing has gotten out of hand and is illegal.” Judge Judy concluded: “Barbie should be as ditzy, simple and mute as I am shiny and plastic. The girl has always been a dumb blonde, and must remain a dumb blonde to protect children from stereotyping through toys.”

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