UnNews:Kevin Federline sentenced for crimes against music.

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UnNews

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Thursday, November 21, 2024, 16:55:59 (UTC)

7 November 2006

Kevin Federline, appearing in court for crimes against music.

Washington, DC -- After the expected implosion of Kevin Federline's debut recipe for disaster... er, I mean album... Smells Like Kevin Federline (also known in the Southern states as Playing with Fire), the wannabe rapper was put on trial and sentenced to life without parole, and the music of Vanilla Ice and Yanni, for thirteen counts of crimes against music. Federline was initially put on trial after unleashing "Popozao", "poh-poh-zow", "Poo-poo-zoo," whatever it's called, to the world via MTV interview. While liberals criticized the verdict by claiming that life without parole wasn't good enough to end this loser's career, Judge Judy defended her decision, stating "He obviously can't rap to save his life; isn't that what the Bible says, in Kevin Federline 1:1? I at least showed my sympathy for Mr. Federline's severe lack of talent."

The trial had been hush-hush in the mainstream media until the verdict was given at 9:30 Monday morning at the U.S. Supreme Court. Says one local teenager, "Like, Kevin, like, never mentioned this junk on, like, his, like, MySpace page and junk. He, you know, he just, like, never mentioned this, you know? He, like, kept it all quiet and we never, like, knew about it until, like, the verdict was in. It's too bad he's, like, going to, like, prison." Then we asked a man with a higher vocabulary and he had this to say, "If only we had Democrats in Congress, then this no-talent ass clown would have gotten a fair verdict. This was never mentioned publicly because it's all a conspiracy for the government to allow people to release crappy music."

"The real reason," said President Bush, "why we kept our mouths shut was because of recent death threats Federline had received for his crappy music. We are currently investigating these notes with the help of Samuel L. Jackson and Lemmy from Motorhead."

The album was released Tuesday, October 31, 2006, and flopped miserably. As of November 4, the album is no longer available in stores, nor is it available through Time Life or illegal bootlegs. The album is not even being sold at yard sales or garage sales. And eBay has threatened to ban users for trying to auction off their copies of this dreck. And don't even bother looking for it on iTunes or anything, cause it ain't gonna be there, foo'!

This is Federline's thirty-eighth run-in with the law since 2004.