UnNews:Jihad Jane: terrorist, traitor, or just crazy?

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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UnNews

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Thursday, November 21, 2024, 11:40:59 (UTC)

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15 March 2010

"Colleen is a typical small town, substance-abusing, mentally ill, American convert to radical Islam. She likes long, drunken walks, tandem bicycling, and beheading infidels. Looking for similarly inclined man, 30 to 45, space alien in human disguise will do. No halitosis."

WASHINGTON D.C. --Colleen Renee LaRose AKA Jihad Jane is being detained today in a secret prison that is "not in a tropical climate", according to State Department spokesperson William Canavan. Currently under Federal indictment for attempting to recruit Islamic extremists for the purpose of killing UnNews staffer Russell "My name's not Clement" Stig, LaRose is also believed to have been the mastermind behind "the 9/11 attack on Nancy Kerrigan by a growing legion of conspiracy theorists."

Some sources, deep in the shadows of state security, speculate that LaRose was a "sleeper agent", selected as a child for weaponisation.

Friends and family believe the woman is bat shit crazy. Others believe she's crazy like a fox. The jury of public opinion may still be out on Jihad Jane, but it is a certainty that she will be brought up on treason and terrorism charges.

The object of her ire, a demented, part-time badger antagonizer and full-time UnFunnies creator, is at a loss to explain the events. "I am puzzled by this whole affair", he said at a hastily convened press conference in his underground bunker. "I have never attacked, directly or indirectly, Muslims or Islam in general in my work as an artist." When confronted with some of his comic strips depicting Muslim super-heroes, and otherwise ridiculing the Mecca-facing crowd, he defended himself by saying, "Well, OK, I did that."

A little research has turned up Colleens web presence, mostly on dating sites. She posted the following on a popular Finnish dating site, hoping to land a fellow:

"Colleen is a typical small town, substance-abusing, mentally ill, American convert to radical Islam. She likes long, drunken walks, tandem bicycling, and beheading infidels. Looking for similarly inclined man, 30 to 45, space alien in human disguise will do. No halitosis."

Sources

• Kilgore Sturgeon "A new face of Jihad". St John the Baptist Parish Progressive Examiner, March 15, 2010